How I'm doing

[kellinator]

Basically, not too well. My grandmother continues to waver, somehow continuing to breathe despite critically low blood pressure, failing kidneys, and now, possibly, a heart attack. Even when the mind is totally gone, the body refuses to give up. Perhaps because the mind is totally gone.

I feel like I'm on hold. I refuse to make dinner plans or start a stew in my Crock-Pot because I figure the second I do, I'll be called out of town, and the only groceries I'm buying are chocolate and cheese. I've almost completely given up on my diet for the time being, though somehow I've managed to avoid potatoes (must be that article I read in Newsweek).

Right now the thing that scares me the most if what if she pulls through? Her quality of life was bad enough; now it'll be almost nil. I don't want her to keep suffering. I don't want my mom to have to keep going through this. And selfishly, I don't want to have to prepare myself for this again.

It tears me up inside to think of what she's going through. She's conscious, though of course none of us know how much she's aware of. She can't use her arms and she's struggling to breathe. I made the mistake of doing a little research (20 points from Ravenclaw) and now I know why she has pneumonia (because she can't remember to swallow her own saliva) and a UTI (because she's incontinent).

I feel guilty for wallowing when I know there are so many people who have it so much worse. I deal with it by talking about it, asking too many questions (that's how I deal with shit, talking about it until everyone wants me to shut the fuck up), which is hard on my mom because she doesn't really want to talk about it ad nauseum (I mean, she has to give the whole family the rundown every day).

I want it to be over.

I didn't think I'd take it this hard when it finally happened.

Comments

[ga-sunshine.livejournal.com]

*tremendous hugs*

[taoskye.livejournal.com]

I am deeply sorry to hear about your experience. I don't know you well and will only attempt to offer comfort with a few words. You get to grieve however you want to and no one else's experience is relevant to how this feels to you. If I could offer you anything it would be the permission to allow yourself the opportunity to feel whatever you need to during this time.

Good luck and virtual hugs,
~skye

[mfree.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[sage-and-sea.livejournal.com]

I'll give you a hug and a phone number so you can call and talk about it all you like, if you want. Just email me. Sometimes that helps, and here, you have permission to talk.

[ariedana.livejournal.com]

::huge hugs::

It's hard, I know. Just hang in there and put as much of it as you can in God's hands.

[shadow404.livejournal.com]

BIG ASS HUG!!!

[alison-says.livejournal.com]

I don't know you that well either as I just started reading your journal, but don't feel selfish about not wanting to prepare yourself again. You wouldn't feel that way if it weren't for not wanting her to suffer and feeling that this is her time. I felt the same way about my grandmother when she passed away. I think it is true when they say death is hardest on the living.

[whitecrow0.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry.

[sujata.livejournal.com]

Your feelings all make perfect sense to me so far, Kellinator. Not that I can claim to be a model of sanity, stability, or normalcy. *wry grin* But, for what it's worth, I think it must be natural to feel what you're feeling. Your grandmother kept her mental faculties long enough for you to get to know her well (better than I got to know mine). And, she's the grandmother you get your snark from. Of course it's hard to say goodbye to her. Who can blame you, now that you've braced yourself to do that, if you don't want to have to brace yourself for it again? *BIG HUG*

And you love your grandmother, so it's natural that you want her to recover only if she'll have a life worth living. She hasn't had that in some time, from the sound of things. You love your mother, too, and want her to have a life outside of tending to your grandmother. That's natural too, especially since your mother's mental faculties are still intact and thus she could enjoy being alive more than your grandmother can.

Please don't beat yourself up for feeling as you do. You don't deserve that. All you've done is love your mother and grandmother, and accepted that it can't be long until you must grieve the loss of the latter. None of that is wrong.

In fact, from where I'm sitting, you sound like an absolutely wonderful person, Kellinator. Your mother and grandmother have been so very lucky to have you! :-)

And, again for whatever it's worth, my offer still stands: you're welcome to phone me if you need to talk to a friend who's been through much the same thing, or if you need a distraction we could go out for coffee or a movie or something. If I can help in any way, just let me know, okay?

*many hugs*

[darkerdays.livejournal.com]

there are very few who want to go into that good night.

there are fewer who can and will go peacefully. those are the braver few. and my hat is off to everyone of them.

sometimes, there are things people did not do or say when given the chance. and now, they know what is coming, so they want to fight to wrap up loose ends. maybe that is why her body is fighting so hard.

my grandfather held until the last possible moment. my aunt too. they all seemed to be waiting to say something, one last word. the best thing i can suggest you do, is if there is any peace you need to make with her (or know of any she needs to make with others), speak to her as if she was herself again. they can hear you. they are listening.

[myramblings.livejournal.com]

Awww I'm sorry about your grandmother. My friend is going through a similar experience :(

[jennay138.livejournal.com]

oh sweet pea:(

Hang in there

[lac.livejournal.com]

I know how tough this is. My gram went through a long illness and my mom was taking care of her. Big hugs.

[musicwolf.livejournal.com]

*hugs*