Kellinator Jones and the Temple of Snark

Okay, so it's actually Strongbow cider. But beer sounds cooler and you know it.

So this is the night when the NBA drafts its rookies, and I drink and yell at the tv a lot. I don't really know how the picks are going to shake out, but I will make a few guarantees for draft night: Jay Bilas will say dumb shit. Dick Vitale will say really dumb shit. Stephen A. Smith will say dumb shit, but I will forgive him because he makes me laugh and because there's always the chance he might look at Dickie V and say "that crazy old white man, he's on crack."

Booing David Stern! Something that all NBA fans can agree on!

Blahblahblah bullshit blahblahblah my global empire blahblahblah I swear the games aren't fixed. Shut up, Stern.

If the crowd is going to yell funny shit, they could at least bother to enunciate so I can hear it.

I really do not get why everyone's having such a fit over Derrick Rose. He's a point guard. And I love to watch point guards, but let's be honest, and this is coming from the world's biggest Steve Nash fangirl here, point guards don't win championships. At least not these days. Iverson, Kidd, Nashie-poo honey-buns... You know what they have in common? No championships. You know who does have a championship? Rajon Rondo. Not to diss Rondo, I think he's terrific, but that wasn't exactly a point guard-led team, you know?

Oh good, Michael Beasley went second. Pat Riley does still have brain cells. Good to know.

John Paxson: yet another former NBA player who doesn't actually know shit about running a team, despite being white. And before you give me shit about being racist, I'd like to point out it's not my fault every team assumes white guys know what they're doing in the front office. I give you Kevin McHale, Larry Bird, and I guess I can't say Danny Ainge anymore, so I'll say Kevin McHale again, because he deserves it for the mess he's made in Minnesota. And that's just former Celtics of the '80s.

Though I've got plenty of concerns about OJ Mayo, he has given us the first good suit of this draft. Why is his mom wearing a prom dress? When Tim Floyd says he didn't know about the NCAA violations, he's full of shit. OJ's rep walked in his office and said "OJ wants to play here for a year so he can start marketing himself." That's what we call a red flag. Though to be fair, I'd probably have an ego the size of Manhattan if I'd been in Sports Illustrated since I was a preteen.

James just pointed out that I don't follow college basketball enough to know who these guys are, so why am I interested? Because it's an excuse to drink and yell at the tv. And I will go on the record as saying I may just be a drunk fan, but I could still do better than half the GMs in the league. Well, not really. But I still think I could do better than Kevin McHale.

James: "Why does nobody care about Memphis?"
Me: "Because they SUCK and don't want to win and traded Pau Gasol for spare change."
James: "Did they really?"
Me: "No, Kwame Brown. Same thing really."

I wonder if there has ever been a Knicks pick the MSG crowd hasn't booed... I miss the "Fire Isiah" chants though. As bad as Isiah sucked, I hated to see him go. He was the best soap opera going.

The Rooster?! Congratulations Daniel "Boobie" Gibson, you no longer have the worst nickname in the NBA.

I only just now found out about the Yi-Simmons-Jefferson trade. Either ESPN sucks or I'm not paying attention.

Gee Brook Lopez, how does it feel to go from projected third pick to actual tenth?

Blah blah blah. I must be losing interest because I learned a lesson last year and am not expecting a Vandy player to get drafted just because he was SEC Player of the Year. More beer!

Phoenix fans, what do we end up getting in the Joe Johnson trade? The twin brother of the guy who fell from third to tenth. If I weren't drinking already, I'd start now. TRADE NASH!!!

I predict Portland just got the steal of the draft with Darrell Arthur.

I am such a fangirl. This morning I seriously considered sending a get-well-soon card to Steve Nash.