How I'm doing
Jan. 28th, 2003 09:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kellinatorBasically, not too well. My grandmother continues to waver, somehow continuing to breathe despite critically low blood pressure, failing kidneys, and now, possibly, a heart attack. Even when the mind is totally gone, the body refuses to give up. Perhaps because the mind is totally gone.
I feel like I'm on hold. I refuse to make dinner plans or start a stew in my Crock-Pot because I figure the second I do, I'll be called out of town, and the only groceries I'm buying are chocolate and cheese. I've almost completely given up on my diet for the time being, though somehow I've managed to avoid potatoes (must be that article I read in Newsweek).
Right now the thing that scares me the most if what if she pulls through? Her quality of life was bad enough; now it'll be almost nil. I don't want her to keep suffering. I don't want my mom to have to keep going through this. And selfishly, I don't want to have to prepare myself for this again.
It tears me up inside to think of what she's going through. She's conscious, though of course none of us know how much she's aware of. She can't use her arms and she's struggling to breathe. I made the mistake of doing a little research (20 points from Ravenclaw) and now I know why she has pneumonia (because she can't remember to swallow her own saliva) and a UTI (because she's incontinent).
I feel guilty for wallowing when I know there are so many people who have it so much worse. I deal with it by talking about it, asking too many questions (that's how I deal with shit, talking about it until everyone wants me to shut the fuck up), which is hard on my mom because she doesn't really want to talk about it ad nauseum (I mean, she has to give the whole family the rundown every day).
I want it to be over.
I didn't think I'd take it this hard when it finally happened.
I feel like I'm on hold. I refuse to make dinner plans or start a stew in my Crock-Pot because I figure the second I do, I'll be called out of town, and the only groceries I'm buying are chocolate and cheese. I've almost completely given up on my diet for the time being, though somehow I've managed to avoid potatoes (must be that article I read in Newsweek).
Right now the thing that scares me the most if what if she pulls through? Her quality of life was bad enough; now it'll be almost nil. I don't want her to keep suffering. I don't want my mom to have to keep going through this. And selfishly, I don't want to have to prepare myself for this again.
It tears me up inside to think of what she's going through. She's conscious, though of course none of us know how much she's aware of. She can't use her arms and she's struggling to breathe. I made the mistake of doing a little research (20 points from Ravenclaw) and now I know why she has pneumonia (because she can't remember to swallow her own saliva) and a UTI (because she's incontinent).
I feel guilty for wallowing when I know there are so many people who have it so much worse. I deal with it by talking about it, asking too many questions (that's how I deal with shit, talking about it until everyone wants me to shut the fuck up), which is hard on my mom because she doesn't really want to talk about it ad nauseum (I mean, she has to give the whole family the rundown every day).
I want it to be over.
I didn't think I'd take it this hard when it finally happened.
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no subject
Date: 2003-01-28 09:45 pm (UTC)there are fewer who can and will go peacefully. those are the braver few. and my hat is off to everyone of them.
sometimes, there are things people did not do or say when given the chance. and now, they know what is coming, so they want to fight to wrap up loose ends. maybe that is why her body is fighting so hard.
my grandfather held until the last possible moment. my aunt too. they all seemed to be waiting to say something, one last word. the best thing i can suggest you do, is if there is any peace you need to make with her (or know of any she needs to make with others), speak to her as if she was herself again. they can hear you. they are listening.