How I'm doing

[kellinator]

Basically, not too well. My grandmother continues to waver, somehow continuing to breathe despite critically low blood pressure, failing kidneys, and now, possibly, a heart attack. Even when the mind is totally gone, the body refuses to give up. Perhaps because the mind is totally gone.

I feel like I'm on hold. I refuse to make dinner plans or start a stew in my Crock-Pot because I figure the second I do, I'll be called out of town, and the only groceries I'm buying are chocolate and cheese. I've almost completely given up on my diet for the time being, though somehow I've managed to avoid potatoes (must be that article I read in Newsweek).

Right now the thing that scares me the most if what if she pulls through? Her quality of life was bad enough; now it'll be almost nil. I don't want her to keep suffering. I don't want my mom to have to keep going through this. And selfishly, I don't want to have to prepare myself for this again.

It tears me up inside to think of what she's going through. She's conscious, though of course none of us know how much she's aware of. She can't use her arms and she's struggling to breathe. I made the mistake of doing a little research (20 points from Ravenclaw) and now I know why she has pneumonia (because she can't remember to swallow her own saliva) and a UTI (because she's incontinent).

I feel guilty for wallowing when I know there are so many people who have it so much worse. I deal with it by talking about it, asking too many questions (that's how I deal with shit, talking about it until everyone wants me to shut the fuck up), which is hard on my mom because she doesn't really want to talk about it ad nauseum (I mean, she has to give the whole family the rundown every day).

I want it to be over.

I didn't think I'd take it this hard when it finally happened.

Comments

[sujata.livejournal.com]

Your feelings all make perfect sense to me so far, Kellinator. Not that I can claim to be a model of sanity, stability, or normalcy. *wry grin* But, for what it's worth, I think it must be natural to feel what you're feeling. Your grandmother kept her mental faculties long enough for you to get to know her well (better than I got to know mine). And, she's the grandmother you get your snark from. Of course it's hard to say goodbye to her. Who can blame you, now that you've braced yourself to do that, if you don't want to have to brace yourself for it again? *BIG HUG*

And you love your grandmother, so it's natural that you want her to recover only if she'll have a life worth living. She hasn't had that in some time, from the sound of things. You love your mother, too, and want her to have a life outside of tending to your grandmother. That's natural too, especially since your mother's mental faculties are still intact and thus she could enjoy being alive more than your grandmother can.

Please don't beat yourself up for feeling as you do. You don't deserve that. All you've done is love your mother and grandmother, and accepted that it can't be long until you must grieve the loss of the latter. None of that is wrong.

In fact, from where I'm sitting, you sound like an absolutely wonderful person, Kellinator. Your mother and grandmother have been so very lucky to have you! :-)

And, again for whatever it's worth, my offer still stands: you're welcome to phone me if you need to talk to a friend who's been through much the same thing, or if you need a distraction we could go out for coffee or a movie or something. If I can help in any way, just let me know, okay?

*many hugs*