Kellinator Jones and the Temple of Snark

I am astonished that I had to find out that Lindsay Lohan was finally charged from CNN instead of my normally on-top-of-the-trash friends page. I guess that means you guys are deeper and better-adjusted than I am. Guilty as charged. I'm about as deep as a kiddie pool. What I wanna know is, what the hell would she have to do to get charged with a felony? Mow down a Sunday-school class while double-fisting PGA and steering the car with her feet?

I do have some thoughts on actual news issues, which I will deal with after I scoop my flist.

This morning in the car on the way to work, I heard the audio clip of Donald Trump being an asshole to Conan O'Brien, and if I didn't hate the Donald already, that would have done it. Seriously, being an ass to Conan O'Brien? That's kinda like kicking a puppy, isn't it? 

And then it hit me. Donald Trump is like a three-year-old having a temper tantrum. He'll say anything to get attention, and the worst thing you can do to him is ignore him. And then I extrapolated that and thought, wouldn't it be nice if we could just consign him and people like him to the time-out corner instead of having to hear about every stupid thing they do?

So without further ado, I present the place where the public figures who have ceased to be entertaining and just become annoying should go so the rest of us can get some peace and quiet: The Time-Out List.

Donald Trump. Your hair is bad, your show is so 2004, and insulting a woman by going on about her being fat is just a sign of an unimaginative mind (and with that hair, you REALLY don't have room to talk about looks). (Note: Rosie is getting left off the list for now because what she initially said about Trump was absolutely right: where does a habitual philanderer and corporate raider get off on judging the morality of a 20-year-old who went clubbing? But if she punches Barbara Walters on air, all bets are off.) 

Pat Robertson. You get the whole 700 Club as your sandbox, so I don't see why I should have to put up with your moronic ranting and discrediting of my religion anywhere else. America, repeat after me: "Uncle Pat's off his meds again."

Paris Hilton. At least Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears had something to fall from to make them interesting (co-worker with an 11-year-old swears LiLo can actually act; dumping K-Fed implied that Brit-Brit might have a brain after all). You're just famous for being rich and trashy, and you're not even the trashiest one, so who cares? And your show's so 2003. You hear that? Right now, Donald Trump is a whole year cooler than you are.

Tom Cruise. I don't want to hear anything else about you until the Smoking Gun leaks Katie's divorce filing. (But when that time comes, Katie, I want all the juicy details.)

On second thought, add Katie Holmes too. You're not a poor lil' girl that we should be staging an intervention for, you're a grown woman, so if you want to get brainwashed by Scientology/paid to be a beard, more power to ya. Just go do it over there. 

I'm taking nominations, folks...

By the way, if you're wondering why I omitted folks like Lindsey, Britney, and Terrell Owens, it's because they still entertain me with all their trainwreckiness. The celebs on this list have broken my cardinal rule: Annoy me, confuse me, but whatever you do, don't bore me.