Kellinator Jones and the Temple of Snark

I know what you're thinking: She's liveblogging the draft? Is she on crack? There's no actual basketball involved! True, but if you're a devotee of Spoiled Millionaires Theater, there's hardly a better show than the NBA draft. All the teams, making stupid decisions, at the same time. If you like schadenfreude, it's a smorgasboard. 

BTW, the predraft show is so not worth watching, but it totally would be if Stephen A. Smith would respond to Dick Vitale's criticism of Stephen A.'s statement that this draft is not as deep as the 2003 draft by saying "that crazy old white man, he's on crack."

7:33 PM: Man, it's awesome seeing David Stern look all uncomfortable when the crowd boos. I'd make up a draft drinking game at this point, except 1). there's probably already one and 2). if I played it I'd probably be too shitfaced to post by the time they got to the sixth pick.

7:36: You know, I like Greg Oden, I really do. He seems like a very nice young man (even if he looks like a nice old man. Dag, yo). And I like his suit, too. Portland better trade Zack Randolph before he can be a bad influence.

7:37: This is just to remind you that the main reason anyone watches the draft (next to the schadenfreude) is the suits. So far this draft class seems to be going with classy and sedate, except for Joakim Noah. Trust me, Joakim, you're a big deal. You don't have to wear seersucker to get attention. 

7:39: Awww, Greg Oden has a cold and is trying not to give it to David Stern. Isn't that sweet? If I were there and I had a cold, I'd be hacking all over him. And muttering "this is for my boys in Phoenix, jackass."

7:41: Ray Allen to Boston? I guess they really do want to make Paul Pierce happy. 

7:42: Kevin Durant at two, duh. Focusing on the suits alone, I gotta give the edge to Oden. Now that's a number-one-pick suit.

7:44: Man, I wish I had TiVo so I could fast-forward through Jay Bilas. Duke-boy, you're a wanker.

7:48: And the Hawks draft... another forward! See, this is why when a co-worker asked if I thought the Hawks could pull it off tonight, I said "hell no."

7:53: I know I already said it, but I'll say it again: Jay Bilas is an idiot.

7:56: At least Boston is trading their pick, which is good because that means they can't fuck it up. 

7:58: Stephen A. is making fun of Boston. Gotta love him.

8:02: Awww, after four championships, Timmy Duncan gets his own "it takes five" commercial. How cute. See, the problem with Kevin Garnett's commercial was every time KG said "it takes five," I yelled, "yeah, and your team won't get them for you!" at the screen.

8:04: And the Milwaukee Bucks take the chance on provoking the international incident by drafting Yi Jianlian. I must say, he's much hotter and more stylist than I expected, even if I am irritated with his whole get-to-pick-my-own-team attitude. Oh lord, one of the commentators just said "Yao is old school, Yi is new school. Yi is 50 Cent." I may have to punch my TV.

8:09: Stephen A. is now implying that Del Harris is out to screw his own kid. Wow, I'm glad he's here, because everyone else is BOR-ING.

8:10: How sad is it that in the past three years, the Grizzlies have made the playoffs more than the Timberwolves? 

8:11: Okay, I think I have to like Corey Brewer now. He's from a farm in Tennessee. Wow, other than him being an athletic black soon-to-be-multimillionaire, and me being a fat clumsy broke pasty white girl, it's just like we're twins!

8:17: You know, someone really should have noticed by now that Michael Jordan really sucks at the front office. Two words: Kwame Brown. 

8:18: See? Yet another North Carolina link. Jordan may have been a genius with the basketball, but he isn't very original when it comes to the front office.

8:22: Now the crowd is mocking Isiah. I love this game.

8:24: James asked me for a prediction on this pick and I said "Maybe Noah." I'm SO glad I was right, because now hopefully they won't feel the need to show his ugly-ass seersucker suit every three minutes. And I like Noah. I really do. But that suit... I think he might be trying to be ironic, but whatever he's doing, it isn't good.

8:28: Joakim uses Bumble and Bumble in his hair? That might be worse than Mark Miller's headband. I do not want NBA players to have better-styled hair than I do. Not that this is saying much.

8:32: Should we take bets on how long until Ron Artest gets medieval on Spencer Hawes' ass? And the lottery has its Token White Guy.

8:33: Stuart Scott to Spencer Hawes: "What do you say when you hear Jay Bilas say you're not a good athlete?" Me, speaking for Spencer Hawes: "Jay Bilas is a douche."

8:34: Oh yeah, Spencer Hawes is the guy who wants to tell everyone how much he loves George W. Bush. I think I might send Ron Artest twenty bucks to kick his ass. 

8:39: I must be hallucinating. I thought I heard them say the Hawks didn't draft another forward.

8:53: Am I the only one who thinks it's ridiculous to say that a college senior has done all the growing he's going to and that's why you draft four-year-olds, for their "upside"? That's ridonkulous. 

8:59: I cannot believe Stephen A. just said that Mike Dunleavy is going to get control of the Clippers this year. He lost it more than a year ago. Even Elton Brand was ignoring him. 

9:00: Stuart Scott to Al Thornton: "The high picks are 19. You're 24. How is your age going to affect you in the locker room?" Me as Al Thornton: "I can drink and they can't." James as Al Thornton: "Those guys will pay me to get them alcohol." I don't have the heart to tell him that those guys won't have any problem getting their own alcohol.

9:02: You know what's REALLY ridonkulous? The fact that it's taken an hour and a half to get halfway through the first round.

9:03: I am totally amused that Henry Abbott from TrueHoop is now referring to David Lee (former Gator, current Knick, rebounds a lot, is the rare white guy who doesn't suck) as "the Gatorfather."

9:06: I don't think I've ever heard of Rodney Stuckey, but I like his suit. 

9:08: Stuckey wears #3 because Dwayne Wade is his idol. I feel REALLY old.

9:12: I'm really happy for Nick Young, but I wish his mic had been working.

9:14: OH NO HE DI'INT. Isiah just traded for Zach Randolph. Now the Knicks have yet another trainwreck with a big contract on their hands and the Knick fans are CHEERING? They must have all started smoking crack to deal with the nightmare that is Isiah. 

9:23: I have to give props to any player who goes to the effort of coming to the draft on his own. Plus, Marco Belinelli is hawt.

9:25: Lakers on the clock! Man, I hope something ridiculous happens. 

9:30: Oh my gosh, Stephen A. just came thisclose to telling Dickie V he's on crack.

9:32: Oh pleasepleaseplease don't make my man Derrick Byars go to New York. He's a good guy, he doesn't deserve this.

9:37: "We acknowledge that we have had a meeting..." Man, Mitch Kupchak really sucks.

9:40: Stephen A. just said Mitch Kupchak looked like he was about to cry and then he totally dogged on the Buss family. Have I mentioned that I love Stephen A.?

9:45: Am I the only one who's wondering why everyone's carrying on about Sean Williams being such a risk when the NBA's love affair with weed is so well-documented?

9:48: I've now officially started screaming at the TV about WHY WON'T YOU FUCKERS DRAFT DERRICK BYARS. Vandy gets no respect. Also, I'm having trouble explaining to James why I don't want Derrick to go to the Knicks. I would have thought he would have figured that out by now.

9:49: On the other hand, if Derrick sticks around long enough, the Suns might draft him, and that would RULE.

9:50: Spike Lee is right: Isiah does know how to draft. Unfortunately for the Knicks, that's the ONLY thing he knows how to do. 

9:52: Oh thank God. The Knicks didn't draft Derrick.

9:53: James: "Why were the fans booing the commissioner?" Me: "I don't know. There are so many good reasons."

9:54: I'm now trying to explain to James that just because I don't know what "second jumpability" is doesn't mean I'm uninformed. It means Jay Bilas is making shit up.

10:20: Well, now at least Derrick Byars is sitting on top of the "Best Available" board.

10:25: OMG. Derrick Byars is the best player left... and Phoenix is on the clock. COME ON, STEVE KERR!!! DO THE RIGHT THING!!!

10:30: FUCK. Steve Kerr... you're on notice! 

10:37: Okay... the first round is over and it's now official: Everyone hates Vanderbilt. Teams would rather draft Finnish guys no one's ever heard of than the Southeastern Conference Player of the Year. That's the Player of the Year picked OVER those guys from Florida who went in the top ten. I hate everyone. Oh well. At least Derrick has a real degree from Vanderbilt to fall back on.

11:17: Jay Bilas just FINALLY mentioned he's surprised Derrick hasn't been drafted yet. 

11:18: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! Portland just drafted Derrick Byars... and ESPN immediately pushed him aside to talk about the Jason Richardson trade. Fuckers. That said, I think this is a WONDERFUL outcome for Derrick, aside from the loss of guaranteed money that the first round would have brought. He can hang out with Greg Oden...

11:20: Oh, FUCK THAT. Derrick's getting traded to the Sucktastic Sixers for one of those foreign guys no one's ever heard of AND cash. Talk about adding insult to injury. I quit. I'm going to go look for more alcohol. Motherfuckers.

There are 10.6 seconds left to go in Game 3 of the NBA finals, and San Antonio is leading Cleveland by a possession, 73-70. And I just realized to my utter shock that I really don't give a damn. Like, it's not even a case of not caring who wins. It's just that the game is so ugly and so messy and so bland that I really just can't bring myself to pay any attention even though usually I love these tense moments at the end of games.

OMG these announcers SUCK. The crowd just started screaming as one "LET'S GO CAVS" and do they stop telling their boring stories/making their inane comments so we can vicariously enjoy the crowd and the atmosphere and the sheer joy of being a fan? Nooooooo. Then they wouldn't get as much face time.

Maybe I just can't really enjoy playoff basketball in the end because of the style of play. That "defense wins championships" cliche -- I'm starting to wonder if it's really just code for "you can't survive the long playoffs unless you 1). have a significant goon factor and 2). are so afraid of losing that you play cheap basketball, like the game in the '40s where one team was so desperate they just held the ball as long as they could and that was why the shot clock had to be initiated because the game was so bad people were reading the newspaper during the game." I mean, if I wanted to see people beat the hell out of each other, I'd watch boxing, which at least has footwork.

It just drives me nuts because I believe basketball is so beautiful to watch when it's graceful, and I hate to see it when it's ugly. I want to watch a game where both teams know what they're doing, instead of just trying to fake each other out with sloppy play.

Maybe what bothers me about the Spurs is that they are so coolly businesslike, that it just doesn't seem like a team to me. I like my romanticized childlike version of sports. Dynasties used to be cool, like the Celtics and the Bulls! I'm so sick of hearing about the San Antonio dynasty because it's BORING!

*watches last six seconds* Holy shit. This is just a mess. Who takes any joy in watching this? Sloppy basketball, bad officiating, game ending on a disputed call -- WTF?!

I think I'm on to why David Stern makes his wacko proclamations on high. When he announced the dress code and got all the media attention in October, of all times, he got the taste for it and decided if he made decisions that were good for the league, he would just fade into the background, while if he made ones that made people question his sanity, well then people would always be talking about him. I'm on to you, David Stern. You're an attention whore. Man, I hope nobody tells you about LiveJournal.