PSA/rant

[kellinator]

There's a big problem with LJ that I think should be addressed.

LJ makes us think we know people better than we really do. Yes, we read the inner workings of each other's heads. Yes, it's very intimate. Yes, you can get to "know" someone you've never met pretty well.

But you don't know someone you've never met as well as you think you do.

I've seen this play out on LJ what seems like a million times. Someone posts about something that's going on with them -- maybe a personality flaw, maybe an unhealthy behavior, something that people close to them are concerned about. And a bunch of LJers come out of the woodwork going "no! You're perfect just as you are! If they were REAL FRIENDS, they'd understand it! They'd accept you just as you are!"

And then a real friend comes along, someone who actually knows what's going on, and posts some real, useful advice. And then the sycophants dogpile on that person, accusing them of being "mean" and "not a real friend."

Stop it. Just fucking stop it.

If you've never met a person, if you only know what's going on on LJ, then you only know a tiny part of the story. What makes you think you're more qualified to pass judgment than people who actually know the story?

Friends aren't just people who post *hugs*. A real friend will tell you when you're being a jackass, or engaging in behavior that's unhealthy. A real friend will tell you when you're making a fool of yourself.

How do I know this? Because it's happened to me. Some of the best advice I've ever received has started with the words "You're not going to like this, but..." None of us are perfect. And sometimes we need that outside perspective. If close friends of mine had sat on their hands going "well, Kelly's doing some really stupid shit but I can't tell her because she'll get mad," I would probably have kept doing really stupid shit and would probably be in a really bad place right now.

Sometimes the words you don't want to hear are the ones that mean "I love you" the most. If somebody really loves you, they won't mindlessly pat you on the head while you ruin your life.

If you want to bite the hand that's reaching out, fine. Just don't be surprised when you're left with just the imaginary friends in your computer who post *hugs*.

So, next time you start to post a "you go girl/boy! Screw them if they don't like you just the way you are!" comment, think about it before you hit that button. Do you mean it? Or are you just saying that because you think it's what you're supposed to say? Are you really helping anyone? Or are you just being an enabler?

Friendship isn't just hearts and bunnies. It's having the guts to show you really care. It's called tough love for a reason.

Comments

[mgrasso.livejournal.com]

Man TRUE.

[xforge.livejournal.com]

Generally speaking, whenever I post a "hey, wake up, you're being screwed, take control of your life you fool" or such, I get my ass jumped by many of those same sycophantic *hugs* people. So I guess that'd be a corollary problem to the one you're pointing out here.

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Ooooh, thanks. You reminded me of something I forgot to mention. Editing now.

[mamaluna.livejournal.com]

That is the main reason I have the friends I do. They will call me on my shit. If not on LJ, then they call me. And I do the same. (Hey X - you know that post you made.... well, this is how I see it, and I know you won't like what I have to say, but I have to say it.)

those are the true friends.
(me calling Christine - get off your but & call your doctor, don't make Mama come over there!!)hehehe

have a good day doll.

[karnythia.livejournal.com]

When a friend needs to hear they are being a moron, I tend to have that moment off-lj. My perspective may be odd because many of the people on my flist are in situations where I know a lot of the story, so I know whether they need a kick in the pants, or if they truly need a hug. The people I don't know very well don't get *hugs* or a kick in the pants, simply because I don't know what's going on.

[michaelnolan.livejournal.com]

A-fucking-men, my sister.

[streamweaver.livejournal.com]

LJ is very odd in that it can definitly paint a false picture of a person or even an idea. Often people use LJ as a specific kind of outlet, where they present issues in a raw state completely out of context of how they fit into someone's actual life.

Not only is it dangerous to think you know a person from LJ posts but it's also dangerous to believe you really understand what something means to them or how it fits into their life.

So I definitly agree with you here.

[sumobabe.livejournal.com]

Well said, both this comment, and the OP.

(surfed over on a rec from ga_sunshine, glad I did)

[stevietee.livejournal.com]

You go, girl! As for people who might disagree with this post, screw them if they don't like you just the way you are! If they were REAL FRIENDS, they'd understand it! They'd accept you just as you are!

*hugs*

[ga-sunshine.livejournal.com]

ah, sarcasm...snicker

[heathrow.livejournal.com]

Halle-fucking-lujuah.

Seriously. Lurve this post.

[spiritchaser1.livejournal.com]

Agreed. There are times where I don't feel I know enough about a situation to criticize someone's behavior, and those are the cases where I will either just let the person know I'm listening or stay out of it. But I appreciate when I get more than just "hugs" from people when I post something, even if I might not follow their advice.

[ga-sunshine.livejournal.com]

oh my fucking gawd do I ever love you

[jerseygirl1.livejournal.com]

For some people, the *hugs* and worshipping at the alter of LJ are exactly what they need and want. *shrug*

I subscribe to your stance, but you knew that already.

Very well written -- LJ should hire you to write and distribute all PSA's!!!

[blistermoth.livejournal.com]

hear! hear!

[shutupjosh.livejournal.com]

laurel714 and I learned this lesson early on, about not knowing people on LJ as well as you think you do. We had just gotten married and had some kinks to work out. We butted heads pretty good because we'd both been in controlling relationships previously and were determined not to take shit from anyone ever again. We spoke openly about what we were going through on our journals, but for a week or so, Lori didn't really post anything, so I was the one doing the talking. Everyone was sympathizing with me, and kinda slamming her, and she didn't really defend herself. Finally, I came out and was like, "Look, there's more to the situation than y'all know. You're just hearing my side, here." Since then, I learned not to bitch about her on LJ if I can help it, and if I absolutely have to, I keep it filtered to people who I think won't be quick to judge her just by hearing my side of the story.

[not-hothead-yet.livejournal.com]

amen brother. I was fairly aware of that possibility before, due to similar happennings between two LJ-only (at the time) friends I had. I became reasonably good buddies with one of them and watched as he got castigated on LJ during a brief break-up. Both he and she realized that IF they were going to post personal happennings on LJ concerning their relationship, they were going to have ignore the comments and responses. People were awfully quick to jump into the middle of something they knew nothing about. After their (amicable) breakup, both had the sense to be completely impersonal about that fact. They mentioned they broke up and all the hounds of hell couldn't get them to post about it.
I learned from them and after moving in with my (now) husband have been quite firm about NEVER posting my troubles with him. Luckily for me, most people never commented on our relationship in LJ - evven the people who knew us both IRL. I am so glad my friends are smarter than that - and more real!

[sophocles.livejournal.com]

Amen.

[the-missy.livejournal.com]

Another classic example of why I wish LJ would disband the use of the term "friends" for the LJs that you choose to read. I'd love it if they switched to two lists: a "reading" list and a "trusted" list. But get rid of this whole concept of "friends" -- people throw that term around too freely anyway.

[tikimama.livejournal.com]

And then the syncophants dogpile on that person, accusing them of being "mean" and "not a real friend."

I think you mean "psychophants."

These people are doing the LEAST they can do--I think they do it sincerely, but it is the least amount of work for them--which is encourage you to do nothing. Doing something (examining behavior, making a change in your life) would be upsetting and hard work. They aren't interested in that. They want to keep everything the way it is, that's apathy.

[stevenglassman.livejournal.com]

No, she was right. She just had an extra 'n' in the spelling:

syc·o·phant
n : A servile self-seeker who attempts to win favor by flattering influential people.
n : A person who tries to please someone in order to gain a personal advantage [syn: toady, crawler, lackey]

[shes-not-there.livejournal.com]

Oooor, you get the ones that see you protesting a form of action and actually *letting them know* that you find their behavior objectionable -- and do they appreciate your feelings or your honesty? Hell and no; they revile, libel, and hurt you in return.

I'll only open the Church of Unpleasant Truths once for a person. If I get negative returns on that, I will *gleefully* assist in someone's self-destruction.

I'm really glad, Kelly, that when I had my issues you met me as an adult and a real friend. So many others were unable to. *big hugs*

[ga-sunshine.livejournal.com]

I have talked with you aside from LJ and feel like I still don't know a tenth of who you are. I'm sure you feel the same way, but in the end I do feel a bond. Sometimes I don't know what to say, but I do know you want to hear the "hugs" just to know I listened and I cared. *hug

[dawneywawney.livejournal.com]

Great post, Kel. I am proud that you are family.

[lordrexfear.livejournal.com]

This is why I only give out *hugs* when people are genuinely sad and need REAL attention, not just craving it.

Other times, if I don't really know the real story, I MIGHT comment, but it won't be something of support, it'll just be if something popped into my head that I felt was a good two cents they should hear and I should share.

LJ isn't for making friends. The only way to really make even sorta acquaintances with people from LJ is to talk to them on the phone or online. That's when you discover a little of who they really are.

[daraflower.livejournal.com]

Sometimes the words you don't want to hear are the ones that mean "I love you" the most.

very well said. *bows*

[celeloriel.livejournal.com]

I'm putting this into my memories. And also taking a bit to process it. Thank you for posting it; my gut is that I agree.

[dwivian]

you know.... fuck you for writing this before I finished composing my own post!! DAMMIT! I was going to be all snarky on the fact that real friends are those that say "dude, you've messed this one up pretty good" and not those sychophants we see all around. I don't want yes-men, but people that are willing to tell me that I'm being stupid, and tell me why.

Now I have to go find a quiz to post. This sucks.

::grin::

[ga-sunshine.livejournal.com]

Remember, you asked for it.

Put on a fucking shirt. Now.

[sujata.livejournal.com]

Well said. And very courageous.

I'm proud to be able to claim you as not just an LJ friend, but a real-life friend.

Love and *hugs*,
Molly

[renaissancekat.livejournal.com]

As always, the voice of reason stands out.

Great post. Wish more people would take it to heart.

[photognome.livejournal.com]

Amen sister!