PSA/rant

[kellinator]

There's a big problem with LJ that I think should be addressed.

LJ makes us think we know people better than we really do. Yes, we read the inner workings of each other's heads. Yes, it's very intimate. Yes, you can get to "know" someone you've never met pretty well.

But you don't know someone you've never met as well as you think you do.

I've seen this play out on LJ what seems like a million times. Someone posts about something that's going on with them -- maybe a personality flaw, maybe an unhealthy behavior, something that people close to them are concerned about. And a bunch of LJers come out of the woodwork going "no! You're perfect just as you are! If they were REAL FRIENDS, they'd understand it! They'd accept you just as you are!"

And then a real friend comes along, someone who actually knows what's going on, and posts some real, useful advice. And then the sycophants dogpile on that person, accusing them of being "mean" and "not a real friend."

Stop it. Just fucking stop it.

If you've never met a person, if you only know what's going on on LJ, then you only know a tiny part of the story. What makes you think you're more qualified to pass judgment than people who actually know the story?

Friends aren't just people who post *hugs*. A real friend will tell you when you're being a jackass, or engaging in behavior that's unhealthy. A real friend will tell you when you're making a fool of yourself.

How do I know this? Because it's happened to me. Some of the best advice I've ever received has started with the words "You're not going to like this, but..." None of us are perfect. And sometimes we need that outside perspective. If close friends of mine had sat on their hands going "well, Kelly's doing some really stupid shit but I can't tell her because she'll get mad," I would probably have kept doing really stupid shit and would probably be in a really bad place right now.

Sometimes the words you don't want to hear are the ones that mean "I love you" the most. If somebody really loves you, they won't mindlessly pat you on the head while you ruin your life.

If you want to bite the hand that's reaching out, fine. Just don't be surprised when you're left with just the imaginary friends in your computer who post *hugs*.

So, next time you start to post a "you go girl/boy! Screw them if they don't like you just the way you are!" comment, think about it before you hit that button. Do you mean it? Or are you just saying that because you think it's what you're supposed to say? Are you really helping anyone? Or are you just being an enabler?

Friendship isn't just hearts and bunnies. It's having the guts to show you really care. It's called tough love for a reason.

Comments

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

May I post this to (dear god, I can't actually read what I'm typing!) readers_list?

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

I'd be honored. :)

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

Did and dood.  :)

[deza.livejournal.com]

Kells, you are a snarktastic bitch and I love you.

*bows to the greatness*

[chicating.livejournal.com]

I think it's a different thing to post like "No matter what, I still care." or "I'll keep a good thought for you."
Sometimes we all want some strokes. And that's not all bad.
But if you want to get to that next level... you're right

[chicating.livejournal.com]

But I'll be very careful to tag my pissing and moaning as such and know that Kell would answer my "Is this fucked up, or am I?"
ooh, I know "friends" or "bunkies"?
(Aw, it's a homicide thing)
I've used the quote in your icon three times today...must be contagious.)

[nyxalinth.livejournal.com]

I have quite a few friends who won't tell me when I'm really being a fool, but I love them anyway. The one or two friends I have who do tell me when I'm being an idiot make up for the rest :)

[dragonbride.livejournal.com]

I could not have said it better!

I have been bitching about the same thing since joined.

Thank you

Not yes-manning you :)

[tkappleton.livejournal.com]

Saw this post quoted. I totally agree with everythign you have said. So far I haven't really had a reson to be kicked in the ass on LJ, but I know that my real friends will be the ones doing it.

Also saw that you are in ATL, are snarky and funny. Added.

M

[breakableheart.livejournal.com]

You're cute!

Puppies, rainbows. Happy dancing gnomes! COME ON!

[bellwitch.livejournal.com]

good post
smooches
samantha

[orangecicle.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm a real LJ friend. I tell people when to fuck off.

Oh. Nevermind. That's not what you meant...*wink*

You're not going to like this but...

[lovethelaura13.livejournal.com]

You're right. ;)~

[anamacha.livejournal.com]

you were quoted in mobettameta ... that's how I got here ;)

But you don't know someone you've never met as well as you think you do.

whilst I agree with this post for the most part, I feel it necessary to point out that most of the time one only sees in a person's journal what the author wants them to see. Like Robin Williams said in One Hour Photo, "Nobody takes pictures of moments they don't want to preserve." And why would someone write about things that they don't like, or don't want people to know, or whatever?

That said, I try to be the same person online as I am in Meatspace;I fully and freely admit that I have a dark side as well. I use my journal to work through this stuff.

And yes, I treasure those friend that tell me things that I might not want to hear. I don't always like it, but hey. I do value these things.

[sujata.livejournal.com]

This was my one reservation, also, that prevents me from agreeing fully with absolutely everything kellinator wrote. I know there are people who try to be the same person on LJ as they are in real life, because I'm one of them, and I seek out others who do likewise to develop true friendships with via LJ. And indeed, that's how Kells and I became friends, and I treasure that friendship more than even she knows. :-)

So, thank you for expressing this. I wish there were far more LJers like you!

[anamacha.livejournal.com]

heh! thanks, yeah, you bet .. I just calls 'em as I sees 'em.

And yeah, it's tough to do things via such a limited medium as LJ ... I mean, it's text-only for the most part. And when I say something, *you* assign to it what you want; so do any of one's readers. They view the author's words through their own perceptual filters.

Anyway. I'm rambling again ;) Thanks for the props.

[spikepage.livejournal.com]

Yeah..I know I'm one of the shallow fucks with all the *hugs*

I'm finding that I like to keep my personal shit very personal. I promise never to tell anybody on LJ about my abusive parents, my drunk sister-in-law, my dog that's dying, my gambling problem, or how I'm never going to get rid of this goddam yeast infection. By the same token, I don't give out false sympathy.

It's the fucking internet. One can expect the Jerry Springer response. "Yeah Hell yeah! Kick him to the curb, sista!" Tis the nature of the beast.

going in the memories section

[not-hothead-yet.livejournal.com]

This has been sorely needed for quite some time. I do not know what exactly was the straw that broke the camel's back which prompted you to write it, but

THANK YOU.

[grniiis.livejournal.com]

I agree with what you are saying Kelly.

I'll add this concerning lj though. I HATE IT** absolutely HATE IT, when a *friend* on lj bitches me out about something in my journal. People need to take the time to ask the questions or at least be POLITE about giving the tough love. With some of my issues, just one little post cannot describe fully what the story is. It is my journal and I may not want to go into detail, it's my journal and I'm venting. I try to not censor myself just cause I have an audience.

[tudorlady.livejournal.com]

I'm going to add my voice to the multitudes here. Thank you. I worry about pissing people off when I insist they see a doctor or whatever, but you know what? If I didn't, it would mean that I simply didn't care. And I do.

[mizdandylynn.livejournal.com]

This is true... and I have had people do that to me as well... the this is gonna hurt kind of post. My friends in r/l know I am an honest person... straight up... and most everyone knows it here as well. Thought provoking, Kel... and much needed. I hope I can always be honest with those on here... and state how I truly feel... or maybe the opposite side of the issue when needed and not be a Hoover. Yet... I hope I can also see when someone needs that extra pat.. a bit of love.. and someone to be kinder to them than they can be to themselves. Thanks...for the food for thought...