Wanted: Your dirty jokes!!
Feb. 24th, 2003 04:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kellinatorAs some of you know, I, along with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jerseygirl1, wandergirl, and jplantyhamchuk, visit a gentleman named Tim. Tim has a degenerative mitochondrial disease (as described in this article: http://www.atlanta.creativeloafing.com/2003-01-22/cover.html ; I'm actually the "Georgia State researcher" mentioned in the first paragraph, though I'm not really), which means he can't move or speak, but his mind is fine. He communicates with us through moving his eyes. Occasionally if he likes something he will break into a wonderful smile. I'll never forget how happy I was the first time I got him to smile.
Well, this is all a roundabout way of saying... Tim loves dirty jokes. I showed him the South Park movie last night and he grinned through "Uncle Fucker." Unfortunately, my stock of dirty jokes is depleted. Help me out, please?
jerseygirl1, wandergirl, and jplantyhamchuk, visit a gentleman named Tim. Tim has a degenerative mitochondrial disease (as described in this article: http://www.atlanta.creativeloafing.com/2003-01-22/cover.html ; I'm actually the "Georgia State researcher" mentioned in the first paragraph, though I'm not really), which means he can't move or speak, but his mind is fine. He communicates with us through moving his eyes. Occasionally if he likes something he will break into a wonderful smile. I'll never forget how happy I was the first time I got him to smile.Well, this is all a roundabout way of saying... Tim loves dirty jokes. I showed him the South Park movie last night and he grinned through "Uncle Fucker." Unfortunately, my stock of dirty jokes is depleted. Help me out, please?
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no subject
Date: 2003-02-24 01:57 pm (UTC)Lady Blank returns late one night from the ball, perhaps a little tipsy, and rings the bell for her butler. Her butler appears.
"Jeeves, I want you to take off my gloves."
He does.
"Jeeves, I want you to take off my shoes."
He does.
"Jeeves, I want you to take off my ball gown."
He does.
"Jeeves, I want you to take off my bra."
He does.
"Jeeves, I want you to take off my panties."
He does.
"Now, Jeeves, if you are to remain in my service, you must never, ever, wear my clothes again."
no subject
Date: 2003-02-24 07:28 pm (UTC)And the deal is, the winner splits the pot with the barman, and things are going pretty good -- nobody's managed to make the horse laugh. They've tickled him, told him absolutely hilarious jokes (even the one from Monty Python, which should have killed the poor thing)... nothing works.
Until one day, this guy comes in, puts a ten in the jar, and whispers in the horse's ear.
The horse laughs.
Guy takes his half of the money and leaves.
Horse is still laughing. A day later, the horse is still laughing. A week. So the barman's getting a little worried, but he figures, hey, another venture to exploit, and he puts up a second sign. $20 to make the horse cry.
And people come. And they poke the horse. They tell it sad stories. They show it Titanic. Nothing works. Horse is still laughing.
So then this same guy comes back in, puts a twenty in the jar, and says, "Can you give me a moment alone for this?" So he takes the horse in the back, and when they come out a minute later, the horse is bawling. Inconsolable.
Guy splits up the jar with the barman and goes to leave. The barman stops him, says, "I've got to know: What did you say?"
And the guy says, "Well, first, I told him that I've got a bigger dick than he does. And then -- I showed him."
You asked for it...(pt 1)
Date: 2003-03-05 01:22 pm (UTC)My favorite short:
Q: Why do men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep there can hear a zipper a mile away.
Some blonde jokes:
Q: What do you call a blonde standing under a dollar bill?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: What do a 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both have black boxes.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone's been in a 747.
(I know there are tons more, but can't think at the moment)
These are a bit longer, but worth it:
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man."Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
THE COWBOY
There was this cowboy out riding the range, and he comes across this white buffalo. Of course he pulls out his gun and shoots it. Well this pisses off the Indians, so they track him down and take him back to their camp. Well the Indian Chief comes up to him and say's "You have killed our sacred white buffalo and for this your punishment is death. In 3 days we will kill you, But each day we will grant you a request! This is day one what do you want?" Well the cowboy thinks about it and say's, "I wanna talk to my horse!" Well the Indian Chief thinks the white man is nuts but say's "Okay" They take the cowboy to his horse. The cowboy walks up to his horse and whispers in his ear and the horse runs off. The Indians throw the cowboy into a tee-pee. A few hours later the horse returns with a blonde on his back. The cowboy takes her off the horse and into the tee-pee and they do the wild thing!
Day two the chief enters the mans tee-pee and say's "This is day two what do you want?" Once again the cowboy asks to talk to his horse. The chief shakes his head, and leads the cowboy to his horse. The cowboy walks up to his horse and whispers in his ear. The horse runs off. The Indians put the man back in his tee-pee. A couple of hours later the horse returns with a red head on his back. The cowboy comes out takes the red head off of the horse and into his tee-pee, where they do the wild thing!
Day three the chief once again comes to the cowboys tee-pee and say's "This is your last day. What do you want?" The cowboy once again replies, "I'd like to talk to my horse!" Well the chief scratches his head and mumbles, "Crazy white man!" And takes him to his horse. The cowboy goes up to his horse grabs his head and yells "I said POSSE you stupid horse!"
You asked for it...(pt 2)
Date: 2003-03-05 01:23 pm (UTC)This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't even mention the ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" he says to the first duck.
"Huey," said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball! Been in and out of puddles all day! If I had the chance another day, I would do the same again."
The bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't
bother to ask me about my day."
Punishment Due
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A little boy lives on a farm. In the early hours his mother tells him to do all his chores before sitting down to his breakfast which upsets him. On the way out to the barn he shoves the cow out of the way, then seeing the rooster he gives that a kick and finally pulls the old sows ear in his temper.
When he returned starving his mother said "I saw you push old Marybell and just for that you'll get no milk; and fancy kicking the rooster, there'll be no eggs for you and for treating the poor sow like that you'll get no bacon either!!"
Just then his father came through the door nearly falling over the cat which he booted out of the way. The cat ran yowling up the stairs.
The little boy looked up at his ma and said "Will you tell him or shall I?"
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!
So now that I've married a lawyer, I know I'm going to get screwed."
That's about all I could come up with off the top of my head. Hope Tim likes them!
Re: You asked for it...(pt 2)
Date: 2003-03-05 02:22 pm (UTC)Some more (pt 1)
Date: 2003-03-05 09:29 pm (UTC)Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the
purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks.
"Why, Gold, of course!" says the man proudly.
The wife responds ruefully, "Why don't you wear Silver.
It would be nice if you finished second for a change!"
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, " It's the cobblestones."
The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising slogans." Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a "Top Ten List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone:
10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis...This is your penis on drugs...Any questions?
Some more (pt 2)
Date: 2003-03-05 09:31 pm (UTC)A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way that you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No way! Who did she play for?"
An Italian guy says to his buddies, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."
His French friend says, "I smooth sweet butter all over my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for 20 minutes."
The Jewish buddy says, "I covered my wife's body with chicken fat. We made love and she screamed for six hours."
The others responded, "SIX HOURS? What did you do to make her scream for six hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great
price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear
vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend
is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new
bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what
happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family
had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since,
but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes
are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.
So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws
her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend
is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified
when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a
repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling,
and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at
the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of
vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from
the table and screams,"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE FUCKING
DISHES!!"
Some more (pt 3)
Date: 2003-03-05 09:33 pm (UTC)Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!
Some more (pt 4)
Date: 2003-03-05 09:37 pm (UTC)On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."
-----------
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
------------
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .45 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
---------------
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No, Your Honor, I didn't. I said she is fucking Goofy."
Some more (pt 5)
Date: 2003-03-05 09:43 pm (UTC)Fearing for his life the hunter says, "I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear."
The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear. No sooner than he he gets it in his rifle sight when he feels a tap on his shoulder. "Well buddy," says the bear,"today, I can rip your head off or I can fuck you in the ass." Again fearing for his life the hunter replies, "You can fuck me in the ass, Mr.Bear."
The next day, furious at what has happened to him the hunter is in the woods still trying to catch up with that same bear. Once again he gets it in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder. The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, "You don't come here for the hunting do you?"
Two women were waiting in a veternarians office. "What are you here for?" one says.
"My kitty keeps scratching up the furniture so I'm having her declawed. And you?" the other replies.
"Every time I bend over my doggie starts humping my ass." she answers.
"So, your having him neutered?" "No, I'm having him declawed too."
A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads.. SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination... drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads...
SISTERS OF MERCY
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks..."What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door," and leaves. The man does as he is told and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go througt the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy.
ENERGIZER BUNNY FOUND DEAD!!
Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and
coming...
Some more (pt 6)
Date: 2003-03-05 09:49 pm (UTC)"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
Some more (pt 7)
Date: 2003-03-05 09:53 pm (UTC)His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose
Q: Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A: Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Q: What's the difference between an ironing board and a blonde?
A: It's hard to get an ironing board's legs open
Q: Why did Disneyland fail in Japan?
A: Because no one's tall enough to ride the good rides.
Q: What's the definition of safe sex in West Virginia?
A: Branding the sheep that kick.
Q: Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?
A: Because they can..
Subject: The Cabbie
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see but there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
That's about all I got...
Date: 2003-03-05 09:57 pm (UTC)Heidi