Wanted: Your dirty jokes!!

[kellinator]

As some of you know, I, along with jerseygirl1, wandergirl, and jplantyhamchuk, visit a gentleman named Tim. Tim has a degenerative mitochondrial disease (as described in this article: http://www.atlanta.creativeloafing.com/2003-01-22/cover.html ; I'm actually the "Georgia State researcher" mentioned in the first paragraph, though I'm not really), which means he can't move or speak, but his mind is fine. He communicates with us through moving his eyes. Occasionally if he likes something he will break into a wonderful smile. I'll never forget how happy I was the first time I got him to smile.

Well, this is all a roundabout way of saying... Tim loves dirty jokes. I showed him the South Park movie last night and he grinned through "Uncle Fucker." Unfortunately, my stock of dirty jokes is depleted. Help me out, please?

Comments

You asked for it...(pt 2)

[canciona.livejournal.com]

Here's the rest...

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't even mention the ducks.

They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?" he says to the first duck.

"Huey," said the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball! Been in and out of puddles all day! If I had the chance another day, I would do the same again."

The bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."

"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't
bother to ask me about my day."



Punishment Due
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A little boy lives on a farm. In the early hours his mother tells him to do all his chores before sitting down to his breakfast which upsets him. On the way out to the barn he shoves the cow out of the way, then seeing the rooster he gives that a kick and finally pulls the old sows ear in his temper.

When he returned starving his mother said "I saw you push old Marybell and just for that you'll get no milk; and fancy kicking the rooster, there'll be no eggs for you and for treating the poor sow like that you'll get no bacon either!!"

Just then his father came through the door nearly falling over the cat which he booted out of the way. The cat ran yowling up the stairs.

The little boy looked up at his ma and said "Will you tell him or shall I?"




A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!

So now that I've married a lawyer, I know I'm going to get screwed."



That's about all I could come up with off the top of my head. Hope Tim likes them!

Re: You asked for it...(pt 2)

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Oh, my gosh. You SO rock. And rule. Tim will love these!! Thank you so much, and let me know if you think of any more good ones!!