I'm going to hell for sure this time

[kellinator]

Just got off the phone with my mom. She left a message for me to call at work, so I figured something must be wrong.

My grandmother with Alzheimer's is in the hospital, in the ICU. She slipped into a diabetic coma Wednesday night, she has a urinary tract infection and pneumonia. Mom said it looked like she wasn't going to make it yesterday, but now she's getting better.

Here's the fucked-up part.

When Mom started telling me, my heart soared. My grandmother would finally be free of this, this lying in a bed not knowing who she is, unable to string a coherent sentence together or apparently understand one, waiting for a nurse to come change the sheets where she's soiled herself. My funny, sassy, word-a-find maniac granny.

And Mom would be free, too -- Mom's over at the nursing home every day and beats herself up for not spending more time there, while my asshole uncle (a preacher, go figure) breezes in once a week if we're lucky. I told her when I was home that she couldn't do it all, and she said "If I don't do it, who will?"

And then she told me she was going to pull through and my heart sank. Back to hell.

How fucked up is it that I want my grandmother to go ahead and die?

Comments

[lac.livejournal.com]

No...you don't want her to die per se, you just don't want her to be in pain or be trapped in her own body like that anymore. It's hard to watch a person go through all of that. You just want her, as you said, to be free and if that means she has to go, she has to go. I'm so sorry though!

[azurelunatic]

And if there were a way to give her back her healthy body and clear mind, you'd do it in a heartbeat.

Re:

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Exactly.

[candy-angel.livejournal.com]

Its not fucked up. you don't want her to die because you hate her--you want her to stop suffering. Its a natural reaction towards a loved one who is in a living hell. And You don't really want her to die--just to not suffer, and to not cause suffering (yours and your mom's) by suffering.

[jennay138.livejournal.com]

not fucked up at all--you want people to be out of their misery. that's not hateful or bad at all.

[sage-and-sea.livejournal.com]

You're not going to hell, and if you are you'll have plenty of company. There's nothing at all wrong with the way you're feeling, honest to god there's not.

When my mom died, we had a discussion with the Dr. early in the evening. He figured that even if there was the remotest chance for her to live, it would be only as a shell. During the night, when the nurses came in to ask me if I wanted this test or that test in the morning, I declined them all - I knew that she would hate what she had become, and elected to let her go. Sometimes that is the kindest thing for everyone.

[snowelf.livejournal.com]

No, you are not going to hell for it. All you want is for your grandmother to be free of the hell she is in. And there's nothing wrong with that, I know I would have felt the same in your situation.

Not at all

[satia.livejournal.com]

A selfish person would want their beloved to suffer just so that they, the selfish person, could continue having the suffering person in their life.

You want the suffering to end.

Seems to me that is very unselfish of you.

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

It's not fucked-up at all and I think somewhere inside you, you know that. The woman with Alzheimer's is not truly your grandma, she is what your grandma has become. My gran was only in the beginning stages when she died, and for that I'm grateful.

No matter what you believe happens after this life, I think we can all agree to be in a life like that isn't really living, not for the person suffering through it, not for the family, not for the caretakers. The more I think about it, the more I have to agree with gran: humans (for the most part) just weren't meant to live so long.

So take a breath, remember your grandmother as she was, visit if you need to, be there for your mom. It's the missing of the person that's the hardest about death, but in reality, she's been gone for some time.

Hope this helps a bit.

[astrophysicat.livejournal.com]

What they said

and, what she did go into the hospital for sounds absolutely awful. UTI and pneumonia, yikes! No one should have to suffer through that.

[metaphorge.livejournal.com]

It isn't fucked up. At all.

Suffering sucks. You don't want her to suffer.

How is that fucked up?

[cnfsdyoie.livejournal.com]

in agreement with the previous comments. when my grandma died, part of me was obviously sad and miserable, but part of me was relieved. she could hardly breathe anymore and was in constant pain. so dying wasn't bad in that case. she's finally able to rest peacefully.

<3

[meemeedarling.livejournal.com]

Darling. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Losing someone is hard, and watching them suffer can be even worse.
*hugs* to you and your sweet Mommie.

[sassyelf.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry hun. It does not, by any means, make you a bad person because you want her to die and be done with all the mess. My grandfather is just starting to have these problems with dimentia and I wish it would never have come to this, I wish he could have just passed away and not lost precious parts of his very sharp mind. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.
*sends super duper hugs*

[harleen.livejournal.com]

I agree with everyone else. you don't want her to die...you just don't want to see her suffer any more. it is tough to see someone you love so much go through this....

*hugs you*

[bouncepogo.livejournal.com]

I went thru the same thing with my grandfather last year. I'm here if you need to talk. *hugs*

[darkerdays.livejournal.com]

wanting someone to die and wanting someone to not be in "pain" anymore are 2 completely different things.

wanting to see someone expire and wanting to see someone free of what brings them harm are 2 completely different things.

my grandmother had the same thing. i did not want her to die. i just knew that she would have not been happy with the way she was, knowing her. i still miss her. but i am glad she is not going through all that again. it was killing her inside...

[fourtines.livejournal.com]

Because there are situations that seem worse than death. I think you're actually a good,decent person for wanting all of the suffering to end.

You're still in your right mind.

[sujata.livejournal.com]

Kellinator,

There's nothing fucked-up about how you feel, at all. My paternal grandmother had Alzheimer's. It started when I was so young, I can't remember a time when she was fully in touch with reality. She moved in with my family when I was 16, unable to take care of herself anymore. For five years my mother and I fed her, clothed her, bathed her, cleaned up after her when she soiled herself. Then she was in such awful condition even we couldn't take care of her anymore. We had to put her in a nursing home and felt ashamed of doing that to one of our own blood. She died a little more than a year later. I remember going to her funeral and feeling so awkward because I couldn't cry for her. I couldn't cry because she had died long ago; it just took years and years for her body to catch up to her mind.

It isn't wrong to wish your mother's life back and your grandmother's to end with dignity. It just means you love them both very much. And of that, you should be proud.

*hugs*
Sujata
(back again)

[kmeghan.livejournal.com]

There's nothing wrong with wanting a loved one not be in pain, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

[dinesha.livejournal.com]

Everything I want to say has already been said. So here's hug:
>>>>>>>SQUEEEEEEZE<<<<<<<<
D.