I'm going to hell for sure this time

[kellinator]

Just got off the phone with my mom. She left a message for me to call at work, so I figured something must be wrong.

My grandmother with Alzheimer's is in the hospital, in the ICU. She slipped into a diabetic coma Wednesday night, she has a urinary tract infection and pneumonia. Mom said it looked like she wasn't going to make it yesterday, but now she's getting better.

Here's the fucked-up part.

When Mom started telling me, my heart soared. My grandmother would finally be free of this, this lying in a bed not knowing who she is, unable to string a coherent sentence together or apparently understand one, waiting for a nurse to come change the sheets where she's soiled herself. My funny, sassy, word-a-find maniac granny.

And Mom would be free, too -- Mom's over at the nursing home every day and beats herself up for not spending more time there, while my asshole uncle (a preacher, go figure) breezes in once a week if we're lucky. I told her when I was home that she couldn't do it all, and she said "If I don't do it, who will?"

And then she told me she was going to pull through and my heart sank. Back to hell.

How fucked up is it that I want my grandmother to go ahead and die?

Comments

[lac.livejournal.com]

No...you don't want her to die per se, you just don't want her to be in pain or be trapped in her own body like that anymore. It's hard to watch a person go through all of that. You just want her, as you said, to be free and if that means she has to go, she has to go. I'm so sorry though!

[azurelunatic]

And if there were a way to give her back her healthy body and clear mind, you'd do it in a heartbeat.

Re:

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Exactly.