I'm going to hell for sure this time

[kellinator]

Just got off the phone with my mom. She left a message for me to call at work, so I figured something must be wrong.

My grandmother with Alzheimer's is in the hospital, in the ICU. She slipped into a diabetic coma Wednesday night, she has a urinary tract infection and pneumonia. Mom said it looked like she wasn't going to make it yesterday, but now she's getting better.

Here's the fucked-up part.

When Mom started telling me, my heart soared. My grandmother would finally be free of this, this lying in a bed not knowing who she is, unable to string a coherent sentence together or apparently understand one, waiting for a nurse to come change the sheets where she's soiled herself. My funny, sassy, word-a-find maniac granny.

And Mom would be free, too -- Mom's over at the nursing home every day and beats herself up for not spending more time there, while my asshole uncle (a preacher, go figure) breezes in once a week if we're lucky. I told her when I was home that she couldn't do it all, and she said "If I don't do it, who will?"

And then she told me she was going to pull through and my heart sank. Back to hell.

How fucked up is it that I want my grandmother to go ahead and die?

Comments

[sassyelf.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry hun. It does not, by any means, make you a bad person because you want her to die and be done with all the mess. My grandfather is just starting to have these problems with dimentia and I wish it would never have come to this, I wish he could have just passed away and not lost precious parts of his very sharp mind. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.
*sends super duper hugs*