never let your head/ hit the bed/ without my hand behind it

[kellinator]

The problem with the kind of guy I'm looking for is that he only exists in my imagination and John Mayer songs.

Comments

[notgruntled.livejournal.com]

Okay, here comes my umpteenth iteration of the lament of the nice guy.

The guy you're looking for is the one you're looking past. The short, dumpy-looking guy. The one who's insecure and lousy at reading signals. The guy you might actually (gasp!) have to take the incentive to ask out.

The guy who's so great at listening when you break up with That Asshole. The guy who remembers that your mother was sick the last time you spoke, and asks how she's doing.

The guy you "never thought of that way."

If you're looking for a smart, funny, kind guy, they're not rare. If you're holding out for one who has Brad Pitt's looks and money, it'll be a long wait.

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

If I saw this someplace else, I'd probably nod agreement. But since you said it to me...

I gave up on the hunks in high school, and I've never dated or not dated someone for monetary reasons. In fact, I've made a concerted effort to find the nice guys... and sometimes, I have. The trouble is, they don't want me.

I actually have pursued the guys off to the side, the insecure ones, the ones lacking in social skills. This has led to such fun as me driving two hours to visit a guy and only finding out he had a girlfriend when I saw her earrings on the sink. And silly me, I actually believed all the magazines when they said "ask a guy out! He'll be flattered!" Because it's almost always ended with the guy saying yes just to be polite, then giving me the friends speech. I'm convinced that men feel emasculated when women ask them out. Or maybe some of them are intimidated by a woman who goes after what she wants. Or they don't want a woman unless she's a prize -- one they would have to chase over to impress the boys. I don't play games; I don't play hard to get. This has gotten me thrown over more times than I can count.

There's a great speech that one of the characters in Bill Willingham's Proposition Player gives:

The biggest lie all of you women tell yourselves is that you like nice men, when, in fact, we bore you silly.

The trouble is, you tell this lie out loud and so damned often that some of us more gullible types hear it growing up and work hard to become nice men.

So on behalf of all the nice men out there, fuck you very much.

You hear the "but" coming. This speech is made to a very pretty little blond. Men may bitch about women never going after the nice guys, but in my experience, what they're really bitching about is that models never go for the nice guys.

In my experience, men want nice women even less than women want nice men.

< / rant >

[notgruntled.livejournal.com]

And silly me, I actually believed all the magazines when they said "ask a guy out! He'll be flattered!" Because it's almost always ended with the guy saying yes just to be polite, then giving me the friends speech. I'm convinced that men feel emasculated when women ask them out. Or maybe some of them are intimidated by a woman who goes after what she wants.

Some, sure. But not most, I don't think. But remember that we're talking about guys who, in the main, are at least a little insecure to begin with, and bad at reading signals. There's a fine line between assertive and aggressive.

Then there's Groucho's old "any club that would have me as a member" rule. Someone insecure enough will assume that someone he doesn't have to pursue, cajole and wear down must have something wrong with her.

Men may bitch about women never going after the nice guys, but in my experience, what they're really bitching about is that models never go for the nice guys.

In my experience, men want nice women even less than women want nice men.

Fair enough. Men and women both suck. You and I are blind people describing opposite ends of the elephant.

And I'll agree with you that men are definitely more shallow when it comes to visual beauty, but women are more likely to be drawn to guys with money, so those things might roughly balance each other out.

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Hey, I hope I didn't come across harsh in my original reply. I guess it kinda touched some nerves, but hey, we've both got valid points.

Here's hoping there are some real nice people out there for both of us.