Unsent Letters, NBA playoffs edition

[kellinator]

Dear Steve Nash,

Wow. I am so sorry I doubted you, Steve My Man. At some point during the regular season I looked at you looking pissed on the TV and promptly told James, "The Suns are going to win it all this year, because Steve Nash is PISSED." I'm sorry I forgot about that for a while this week. What you did Monday night was freakin' spectacular. And even though that asshat David Stern has screwed the Suns, I know you're going to find a way to pull it out tonight. Go Suns!

Love love love,
Your Number-One Crazy Obsessed Fan

PS -- I never thought I'd see you go after another player, but when you tried to take Robert Horry's head off? Totally hot.

Dear Robert Horry,

Wow, what a shame. You had like the best current nickname in the NBA -- Big Shot Bob -- and you had to go and change it to Cheap Shot Bob, which let me tell you doesn't sound nearly as cool. Plus, you tried to turn Steve Nash into Canadian bacon. Therefore, in addition to being a thug on general principle, you're a thug who tried to kill my basketball boyfriend, which means I double don't like you. Pbbbbthp. 

No love,
A Basketball Fan (and Somewhat Rabid Fangirl)

Dear San Antonio Spurs,

Wow. I've given you the benefit of a doubt for a long time because you used to be pretty classy, but now I'm with Amare. Dirty!

Go take a bath or something,
Not Amused

Dear David Stern,

Wow. You used to be the official Best Commissioner In Sports, but I'm starting to think you just got lucky hanging on to Bird, Magic, and Jordan's coattails. You've been getting increasingly erratic and draconian over the past few years, and now you've allowed the Spurs to play you, or is it pay you? And what do you have against the Suns anyway? All they ever did to you was make basketball interesting again and make your ratings go up. Are you actually trying to kill the NBA? Because I remember who watched the last Spurs-Pistons finals: NO ONE. I POOP ON YOU.

If I had a cock, I'd tell you to suck it,
Pissed, and Not Just Because I Like the Suns

Dear Eastern Conference,

Wow. You are boring. Like, watching the paint dry boring. I guess you guys must be in a hurry to get the games over with so you can go home and watch the real playoffs. 

Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn,
An Irritated East-Coaster

Dear Kobe,

Wow. You have nothing to do with the playoffs at this point, but I just wanted to let you know I still hate you.

No love,
Laker-Hater and Proud of It

Comments

[halfmoon-mollie.livejournal.com]

Hey. Remember Bill Laimbeer?

Bill Laimbeer was one of the most notorious players ever to throw an elbow, thrust a hip, or feign being fouled. Certainly, no player was ever showered with more boos or unflattering nicknames. Laimbeer was called "the prince of darkness," "a street thug," "an ax murderer" and "His Heinous."

Or are you not old enough? He played for the Pistons (and his daughter goes to school here and I believe she's on the women's basketball team). In any case, talk about cheap shots! I quit watching basketball because of him.

Good luck to your Suns.

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

I vaguely remember him -- I was raised by two rabid Celtics fans, but at the time I wasn't that interested in the actual gameplay so I don't remember much about him. I do remember his "retirement", though -- aka "I'm gettin' the hell out of Dodge before Isiah comes back and kicks my ass."

[raistlinbrown.livejournal.com]

One of my favorite lines ever on Cheers occurred when Kevin McHale did one of his two guest spots.

The Cheers gang is conned by Gary's Old Towne Tavern into thinking that McHale had a season-ending injury with a phony x-ray. When McHale walks back into the bar in good health, they hand it to McHale for an explanation. He takes a closer look at the x-ray than they did and says (approximately):

"No, not me. This says 'adult male gorilla.' Could be Laimbeer."