Blasts from the past and assorted musings

[kellinator]

It isn't every day that your past walks up to you and says hello.

Or rather, that you say hello to your past, as I did when I realized the girl waiting for the elevator was someone I used to go to grad school with.

I don't think she recognized me at first. Then she squealed "You look great!!" I fired back the first thing which came to mind, which was "Of course I do. I'm not suicidal anymore!"

We caught up, and she kept telling me how terrific and happy I looked.

And really, it's true. Lately I seem to be getting into several conversations about the whole grad school thing, where I am now, blah blah blah.

The day I got kicked out of grad school, I cried for eight hours. Not because I was going to miss grad school -- hell, I had been seriously contemplating dropping out. No, it was because I had failed at the thing I thought I had wanted the most, the thing I had worked for all my life.

And now it turns out that it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Dylan, as usual, was right: "When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose." I had to start over. Figure out who I was, besides a brain. Expend less energy trying to impress others and more trying to impress myself. Spend less time planning -- Ph.D. by 26, first book published by 27 -- and more time living.

chuck_lynn just told me that I'm one of the people who really lives life, so I guess I got that part of it right.

Yes, I still bitch and gripe -- it's not in my personality to be Little Mary Sunshine. But every once in a while, I stop for a minute and think about it -- what I was, what I am now -- and I just grin like a loon.

And I think, it doesn't matter that my dreams didn't come true, because I'm living a life beyond my wildest dreams.

Comments

[galateadia.livejournal.com]

sounds like you used to be a bit like my cousin.

she made this plan for her life back when she was something like ten:
•she would have a serious boyfriend by the end of high school.
•she would go to college with x major and graduate with at least x gpa.
•her boyfriend in college would take her out once a week and spend x amount of money doing it.
•her engagement ring had to cost x amount of money or else he didn't "love her".
•she would get married within a year of graduating college.
•she would get a job making at least x amount of money.
•she and her husband had to buy a house of x amount of money or it wasn't "befitting them".
•she would have children between ages x and x.
(i am sure she has a whole seperate plan for her kids)
•she would retire between ages x or x.
•her husband would retire between ages x or x.
•etc. etc. etc. (it gets more detailed than all of those)

and all i can wonder is, what happens if one of her plans does't work out? so far all of them have. i wonder if she is just going to curl up and wither away becsause that one thing didn't work out right or is she finally going to start living?
i guess the whole thing could work for some people, but to me it just sounds like an excuse to not really participate in real life.

[kelvinator.livejournal.com]

I hope it's not insulting to say ... that's scary as hell right thurr!

[galateadia.livejournal.com]

no, not insulting, i don't really get long with her that well. i try, but our personalities are just too diametrically opposed.
and yes, it's scary. especailly since she is married to my favorite cousin whom before he met her used to dye his hair punkish, do crazy live for the moment things and write fantastic poetry. and now he does none of them. he just works to make money for her basically. i often wonder if my real cousin will ever come back or if she has effectively killed him and his creativity off. of course he let her, so yeah. :|
*sigh* the loss of one more poet, all in the name of "love".