Blasts from the past and assorted musings

[kellinator]

It isn't every day that your past walks up to you and says hello.

Or rather, that you say hello to your past, as I did when I realized the girl waiting for the elevator was someone I used to go to grad school with.

I don't think she recognized me at first. Then she squealed "You look great!!" I fired back the first thing which came to mind, which was "Of course I do. I'm not suicidal anymore!"

We caught up, and she kept telling me how terrific and happy I looked.

And really, it's true. Lately I seem to be getting into several conversations about the whole grad school thing, where I am now, blah blah blah.

The day I got kicked out of grad school, I cried for eight hours. Not because I was going to miss grad school -- hell, I had been seriously contemplating dropping out. No, it was because I had failed at the thing I thought I had wanted the most, the thing I had worked for all my life.

And now it turns out that it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Dylan, as usual, was right: "When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose." I had to start over. Figure out who I was, besides a brain. Expend less energy trying to impress others and more trying to impress myself. Spend less time planning -- Ph.D. by 26, first book published by 27 -- and more time living.

chuck_lynn just told me that I'm one of the people who really lives life, so I guess I got that part of it right.

Yes, I still bitch and gripe -- it's not in my personality to be Little Mary Sunshine. But every once in a while, I stop for a minute and think about it -- what I was, what I am now -- and I just grin like a loon.

And I think, it doesn't matter that my dreams didn't come true, because I'm living a life beyond my wildest dreams.

Comments

[ariedana.livejournal.com]

In case I haven't told you lately, I'm very, very proud of you. When life gave you lemons, you made damn fine Lynchburg Lemonade. ;)

[galateadia.livejournal.com]

sounds like you used to be a bit like my cousin.

she made this plan for her life back when she was something like ten:
•she would have a serious boyfriend by the end of high school.
•she would go to college with x major and graduate with at least x gpa.
•her boyfriend in college would take her out once a week and spend x amount of money doing it.
•her engagement ring had to cost x amount of money or else he didn't "love her".
•she would get married within a year of graduating college.
•she would get a job making at least x amount of money.
•she and her husband had to buy a house of x amount of money or it wasn't "befitting them".
•she would have children between ages x and x.
(i am sure she has a whole seperate plan for her kids)
•she would retire between ages x or x.
•her husband would retire between ages x or x.
•etc. etc. etc. (it gets more detailed than all of those)

and all i can wonder is, what happens if one of her plans does't work out? so far all of them have. i wonder if she is just going to curl up and wither away becsause that one thing didn't work out right or is she finally going to start living?
i guess the whole thing could work for some people, but to me it just sounds like an excuse to not really participate in real life.

[madshrubbery.livejournal.com]

Inspiration comes in strange places. I hope to one day get to where your line of thinking is. That's not the best way I could put it, but it was all I had. In short, you're finding what you're wanting, and I hope to do so one day, too. :)

[vill.livejournal.com]

I used to have a goal called "be named the Yale Younger Poet before I'm 30."

[kelvinator.livejournal.com]

I hope it's not insulting to say ... that's scary as hell right thurr!

[kelvinator.livejournal.com]

First thing that occurred to me was the thought of how splendidly unprepaired we are to realize anything about dreams and how smart it might be to dream them when we actually do dream'em.. and how much it defines a person to realize what the hell to do once one's ill-conceived dream breaks down :)

Hooray for grinning like a loon btw.

[galateadia.livejournal.com]

no, not insulting, i don't really get long with her that well. i try, but our personalities are just too diametrically opposed.
and yes, it's scary. especailly since she is married to my favorite cousin whom before he met her used to dye his hair punkish, do crazy live for the moment things and write fantastic poetry. and now he does none of them. he just works to make money for her basically. i often wonder if my real cousin will ever come back or if she has effectively killed him and his creativity off. of course he let her, so yeah. :|
*sigh* the loss of one more poet, all in the name of "love".

Keep bitching and griping...it is part of your charm :)

[hockeyrules88.livejournal.com]

My folks are constantly telling me that things happen for a reason. I have looked back on events in my life, (including a similar situation getting kicked out of school), and I realize that if that hadn;t happened I wouldn't have gone through the different things in my life that bring me where I am now.

Yes I am unemployed, but I am not on the street which is where I risked ending up when I lived in CA for the first 2 years.

Isn't it great to be able to look back and say "What the hell was I thinking, being so upset about "x-event"?!?! I am so much better off where I am now!" :)

[heathrow.livejournal.com]

I used to think that I was going to have my Ph.D. in Critical Theory (or Romantic Poetry) by this age. I'd be tenure track, of course...

[sujata.livejournal.com]

*stands up and applauds*

I love you, Kelly. :-)

*warm hug*,
Molly

one of my favorite sayings

[not-hothead-yet.livejournal.com]

"A rainbow can start anywhere"

-Siouxsie Sioux

[stevietee.livejournal.com]

You know what? I know exactly how you feel. 8 years ago I felt like my life was falling apart, I'd dropped out of college, didn't have any real friends, I was just reeling and so then made several bad relationship mistakes which dug me down even more -- where I had to move back in with my parents at 25, which at the time was excruciatingly embarassing because I felt completely defeated.

But then I got a job at a bookstore and met my wife working there. If I hadn't gone through all that crap, all that down-in-the-dumps feeling, all those horrible mistakes, I wouldn't have met S~ and I wouldn't be as happy and complete as I feel today.

8 years ago, I was a college dropout with no friends and no signs of ever being able to have a serious relationship. Now, at 31, I have my master's degree and am happily married.

Whodathunkit?

:hugs: for realizing your true potential! :)

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

Hmmm...this is actually inspiring to me. I think I may be able to turn myself around soonish....working on it.

[mizdandylynn.livejournal.com]

You know... that snark covers a very loveable woman... and it does it beautifully. I wish more of us had your snark. No one needs Little Mary Sunshine all the time. In fact.... I get damned suspicious of that wench.

If you knew me in person.. you would see the caring and loving woman.. but you would see a creditable amount of snark here as well.. that you only see in person...

I think you are fab woman... and never doubt that

[zanzara.livejournal.com]

Beautiful post. And I am soooo happy you are not Little Mary Sunshine.