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Jun. 2nd, 2004 10:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kellinatorI was raised to be terrified of change.
In Pulaski, you get a job right out of high school, and you stay there until you retire or they lay you off to outsource your job to overseas, you marry your high-school sweetheart and if you're my parents, you stay married even if you hate each other. (If you're somebody else's parents, you embark on a whirlwind of divorces and remarriages that you need a scorecard to keep up with, but I digress.)
I stayed with high-school band even though I hated it, because I didn't want to be a quitter. I declared before I even started kindergarten that I was going to go to Vanderbilt, and I did.
I don't know how to strike out in a new direction. I don't know how to be brave.
I'm so scared I could throw up.
In Pulaski, you get a job right out of high school, and you stay there until you retire or they lay you off to outsource your job to overseas, you marry your high-school sweetheart and if you're my parents, you stay married even if you hate each other. (If you're somebody else's parents, you embark on a whirlwind of divorces and remarriages that you need a scorecard to keep up with, but I digress.)
I stayed with high-school band even though I hated it, because I didn't want to be a quitter. I declared before I even started kindergarten that I was going to go to Vanderbilt, and I did.
I don't know how to strike out in a new direction. I don't know how to be brave.
I'm so scared I could throw up.
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Date: 2004-06-02 11:57 am (UTC)Just throw up! Seriously! Should you hold in everything? No! Should you spend all of your time dreaming of the life you didn't take? No to that too.
I have closets full of possible regrets, but each one of them has allowed me to become the person I am. If you judge me by how much of my "potential" I realized, I guess you could consider me a failure. When I die, though, I'll know who I was. I'll have stuffed my life with experiences that filled me with joy and pain, sorrow and bliss. You can exude chicken-feces-ness if you want...it's actually better if you don't put on a false brave face, but you'll find it a lot easier to find joy if you take just a single step for yourself. It can be something that seems really insignificant and silly (like coloring your hair) but every little step gets you there. The best cure for anomie is not-so-random action. You can't learn to ride a bike if you're afraid to skin your knees, right? Hang in there; you're not alone!