Existential angst

[kellinator]

Lately I've been seriously considering chucking it all and living in a van down by the river.


I was thinking last night, and what have I really done with my life that wasn't straight out of a script? I did all the things in high school I was supposed to do, hated band towards the end but wouldn't quit because I was too fucking stubborn, went to a college I wasn't sure I wanted to attend but that my parents had their hearts set on, applied to grad school just like I decided I would when I was seventeen, went to the only school that gave me a fellowship, hated grad school but wouldn't quit because again, I was too fucking stubborn and it wasn't in the script, got kicked out of grad school, took the first job that fell into my lap, and now I'm leading a life of quiet (and sometimes not-so-quiet) desperation.

When have I ever done anything that was truly brave? When have I gone out on a limb, said "damn the consequences"? What if I wake up one day when I'm 60 and say "I wasted my life"?

Comments

Re: Living in a van down by the river...

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

See, the thing is I'm pretty sure I couldn't actually pull it off, because I hate smelling bad.

[weaktwos.livejournal.com]

Amen to that, sister. I feel confident, however, that you can live the "Tomb Raider" lifestyle and still smell and feel marvelous.

So, what kind of adventure do you want to go on?

Re:

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

I don't know. That's the problem. If I knew, maybe I could go ahead and do it.

[weaktwos.livejournal.com]

Then, perhaps you do need a good nature-infused road trip to ponder your future. :-) Someplace with waterfalls, and lush vegetation, but minus banjo-waving inbreeds.

Re:

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

I'm from Tennessee. Banjo-waving inbreds do not scare me. ;)

[weaktwos.livejournal.com]

I didn't say they were scary. I merely contend they are not fruitful for thoughtful meditation. :-)

Besides, you're not male, and you don't look like Ned Beatty. I'm sure you would be safe around such folk.

[wolvy]

try imagining your thoughts when you're 80 or whatever age - and think about things you would regret not having tried/done/accomplished/places you've not seen at that age...and write it down.

I did this a couple of years ago while I was in a great depression/heartbreak kind of mode, and I'm kind of amazed to check my list every now and again - and I'm surprised at what I've done! I think having written it down made it a little more concrete, like a 'to-do' list does - then, after you've got the list, start with something small.

I'm kind of at a bit of a stop-gap here, not sure where to go or what to do now that I've finished culinary school (that was a big thing on my list!) ~ I mentioned it to my friend Laura, and we were talking about things we wanted to do, and now Kayaking is in the future for both of us! We're going to take lessons...and that's another thing/adventure I can cross off on m y list.......

Anyhow, keep your chin up - it's hard to break out of that mold, but oh, it feels so good when it's done, it only gets easier to dare to do things. :)