kellinator | Existential angst

Lately I've been seriously considering chucking it all and living in a van down by the river.

I was thinking last night, and what have I really done with my life that wasn't straight out of a script? I did all the things in high school I was supposed to do, hated band towards the end but wouldn't quit because I was too fucking stubborn, went to a college I wasn't sure I wanted to attend but that my parents had their hearts set on, applied to grad school just like I decided I would when I was seventeen, went to the only school that gave me a fellowship, hated grad school but wouldn't quit because again, I was too fucking stubborn and it wasn't in the script, got kicked out of grad school, took the first job that fell into my lap, and now I'm leading a life of quiet (and sometimes not-so-quiet) desperation.

When have I ever done anything that was truly brave? When have I gone out on a limb, said "damn the consequences"? What if I wake up one day when I'm 60 and say "I wasted my life"?

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So you're going to go into motivational speaking?

If you decide to make a big change in your life, and do something daring, I wish you the best of luck. But if you do the van/river thang. Pick a place near restroom and shower facilities. Sure, nothing says "adventure" like squating in the bush, but....

See, the thing is I'm pretty sure I couldn't actually pull it off, because I hate smelling bad.

Amen to that, sister. I feel confident, however, that you can live the "Tomb Raider" lifestyle and still smell and feel marvelous.

So, what kind of adventure do you want to go on?

I don't know. That's the problem. If I knew, maybe I could go ahead and do it.

Then, perhaps you do need a good nature-infused road trip to ponder your future. :-) Someplace with waterfalls, and lush vegetation, but minus banjo-waving inbreeds.

I'm from Tennessee. Banjo-waving inbreds do not scare me. ;)

I didn't say they were scary. I merely contend they are not fruitful for thoughtful meditation. :-)

Besides, you're not male, and you don't look like Ned Beatty. I'm sure you would be safe around such folk.

try imagining your thoughts when you're 80 or whatever age - and think about things you would regret not having tried/done/accomplished/places you've not seen at that age...and write it down.

I did this a couple of years ago while I was in a great depression/heartbreak kind of mode, and I'm kind of amazed to check my list every now and again - and I'm surprised at what I've done! I think having written it down made it a little more concrete, like a 'to-do' list does - then, after you've got the list, start with something small.

I'm kind of at a bit of a stop-gap here, not sure where to go or what to do now that I've finished culinary school (that was a big thing on my list!) ~ I mentioned it to my friend Laura, and we were talking about things we wanted to do, and now Kayaking is in the future for both of us! We're going to take lessons...and that's another thing/adventure I can cross off on m y list.......

Anyhow, keep your chin up - it's hard to break out of that mold, but oh, it feels so good when it's done, it only gets easier to dare to do things. :)

Well.. Just one thing you can do.. send me nekkid pics.. er.. I mean.. No.. thats what I meant...

Man.. I really need to get my flirt meter adjusted.. I'm just rotten tonight

You've already started being brave -- you're seeing that other people's expectations and your own stubbornness have led you places you don't even know if you wanted to go.

Time to lock yourself away in a featureless hotel room, no Internet, a spiral notebook and reliable pen or two, and figure out what you want from life. What kind of life you want to live, where you want to live it, what you want to achieve. List the things that have given you satisfaction. List the things that have made you miserable.

It's not an easy process, and it's not a once-and-for-all process, but it helps to do it. I'm about to go into Major Unplanned Life Change/Re-evaluation myself, and it's tough. Easier on me because I'm 43 and already know the things that make me happy, harder because I have to worry about retirement and other practical horrors.

Good luck, and be honest.

Who cares if what you've done with your life is straight out of a script? Think about it this way: You have gone out on a limb. You graduated college. You went to grad school. Many people never make it that far. You left you friends and family in TN and now live in Atlanta. You could have just spent the rest of your life in TN. You took a chance by going to Atlanta. That is brave.

Don't worry so much about what you could have done or what you havne't done. Don't worry about what other people think of you or what you've done with your life. Just enjoy what you're doing right now. And if you don't enjoy it right now, figure out why. Change your attitude and perceptions. Take up a new hobby or some classes at a community college to enrich your life. Go out on a limb and take up something you've never done before like rock climbing, martial arts, painting or cake decorating.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

The past is the past.
What's gone on in the past is history, to be recorded and filed.
However.
Why don't you pick something you REALLY WANT TO DO.
And then go and do it, without reservation and putting everything on a razoredge blade of chance?
I found it to be liberating, so many years ago.

Existential angst

Living in a van down by the river...

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