Existential angst
May. 24th, 2003 04:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kellinatorLately I've been seriously considering chucking it all and living in a van down by the river.
I was thinking last night, and what have I really done with my life that wasn't straight out of a script? I did all the things in high school I was supposed to do, hated band towards the end but wouldn't quit because I was too fucking stubborn, went to a college I wasn't sure I wanted to attend but that my parents had their hearts set on, applied to grad school just like I decided I would when I was seventeen, went to the only school that gave me a fellowship, hated grad school but wouldn't quit because again, I was too fucking stubborn and it wasn't in the script, got kicked out of grad school, took the first job that fell into my lap, and now I'm leading a life of quiet (and sometimes not-so-quiet) desperation.
When have I ever done anything that was truly brave? When have I gone out on a limb, said "damn the consequences"? What if I wake up one day when I'm 60 and say "I wasted my life"?
I was thinking last night, and what have I really done with my life that wasn't straight out of a script? I did all the things in high school I was supposed to do, hated band towards the end but wouldn't quit because I was too fucking stubborn, went to a college I wasn't sure I wanted to attend but that my parents had their hearts set on, applied to grad school just like I decided I would when I was seventeen, went to the only school that gave me a fellowship, hated grad school but wouldn't quit because again, I was too fucking stubborn and it wasn't in the script, got kicked out of grad school, took the first job that fell into my lap, and now I'm leading a life of quiet (and sometimes not-so-quiet) desperation.
When have I ever done anything that was truly brave? When have I gone out on a limb, said "damn the consequences"? What if I wake up one day when I'm 60 and say "I wasted my life"?
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no subject
Date: 2003-05-26 02:35 pm (UTC)What's gone on in the past is history, to be recorded and filed.
However.
Why don't you pick something you REALLY WANT TO DO.
And then go and do it, without reservation and putting everything on a razoredge blade of chance?
I found it to be liberating, so many years ago.