Existential angst
May. 24th, 2003 04:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kellinatorLately I've been seriously considering chucking it all and living in a van down by the river.
I was thinking last night, and what have I really done with my life that wasn't straight out of a script? I did all the things in high school I was supposed to do, hated band towards the end but wouldn't quit because I was too fucking stubborn, went to a college I wasn't sure I wanted to attend but that my parents had their hearts set on, applied to grad school just like I decided I would when I was seventeen, went to the only school that gave me a fellowship, hated grad school but wouldn't quit because again, I was too fucking stubborn and it wasn't in the script, got kicked out of grad school, took the first job that fell into my lap, and now I'm leading a life of quiet (and sometimes not-so-quiet) desperation.
When have I ever done anything that was truly brave? When have I gone out on a limb, said "damn the consequences"? What if I wake up one day when I'm 60 and say "I wasted my life"?
I was thinking last night, and what have I really done with my life that wasn't straight out of a script? I did all the things in high school I was supposed to do, hated band towards the end but wouldn't quit because I was too fucking stubborn, went to a college I wasn't sure I wanted to attend but that my parents had their hearts set on, applied to grad school just like I decided I would when I was seventeen, went to the only school that gave me a fellowship, hated grad school but wouldn't quit because again, I was too fucking stubborn and it wasn't in the script, got kicked out of grad school, took the first job that fell into my lap, and now I'm leading a life of quiet (and sometimes not-so-quiet) desperation.
When have I ever done anything that was truly brave? When have I gone out on a limb, said "damn the consequences"? What if I wake up one day when I'm 60 and say "I wasted my life"?
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no subject
Date: 2003-05-24 09:17 pm (UTC)Time to lock yourself away in a featureless hotel room, no Internet, a spiral notebook and reliable pen or two, and figure out what you want from life. What kind of life you want to live, where you want to live it, what you want to achieve. List the things that have given you satisfaction. List the things that have made you miserable.
It's not an easy process, and it's not a once-and-for-all process, but it helps to do it. I'm about to go into Major Unplanned Life Change/Re-evaluation myself, and it's tough. Easier on me because I'm 43 and already know the things that make me happy, harder because I have to worry about retirement and other practical horrors.
Good luck, and be honest.