kellinator: (stupidheads by damn_squiggly)
I was stuck in traffic last week and I glanced over at the MARTA bus next to me and noticed it had a big ad on the side for Captivity, the torture-porn bomb that's already out of theaters, I think. I wondered idly if that few people are looking to advertise on MARTA, and then, because I had nothing else to do at the red light, I read the MPAA's reasoning for the R rating:

Rated R for strong violence, torture, pervasive terror, grizzly images, language and some sexual material. 

I read through that. Something was wrong. I read through it again.

Grizzly images. 

I swear. That's how it was spelled.

And I thought, well, I guess they can't ever do a Berenstein Bears movie, it'll get an NC-17 for sure...
kellinator: (crime by chicating)
I've figured out why neocons hate sex so much:

They have to have it with Ann Coulter.

Hey, that explains why they hate women too!
kellinator: (bad Elmo by phunbee)

This morning in the car on the way to work, I heard the audio clip of Donald Trump being an asshole to Conan O'Brien, and if I didn't hate the Donald already, that would have done it. Seriously, being an ass to Conan O'Brien? That's kinda like kicking a puppy, isn't it? 

And then it hit me. Donald Trump is like a three-year-old having a temper tantrum. He'll say anything to get attention, and the worst thing you can do to him is ignore him. And then I extrapolated that and thought, wouldn't it be nice if we could just consign him and people like him to the time-out corner instead of having to hear about every stupid thing they do?

So without further ado, I present the place where the public figures who have ceased to be entertaining and just become annoying should go so the rest of us can get some peace and quiet: The Time-Out List.

Donald Trump. Your hair is bad, your show is so 2004, and insulting a woman by going on about her being fat is just a sign of an unimaginative mind (and with that hair, you REALLY don't have room to talk about looks). (Note: Rosie is getting left off the list for now because what she initially said about Trump was absolutely right: where does a habitual philanderer and corporate raider get off on judging the morality of a 20-year-old who went clubbing? But if she punches Barbara Walters on air, all bets are off.) 

Pat Robertson. You get the whole 700 Club as your sandbox, so I don't see why I should have to put up with your moronic ranting and discrediting of my religion anywhere else. America, repeat after me: "Uncle Pat's off his meds again."

Paris Hilton. At least Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears had something to fall from to make them interesting (co-worker with an 11-year-old swears LiLo can actually act; dumping K-Fed implied that Brit-Brit might have a brain after all). You're just famous for being rich and trashy, and you're not even the trashiest one, so who cares? And your show's so 2003. You hear that? Right now, Donald Trump is a whole year cooler than you are.

Tom Cruise. I don't want to hear anything else about you until the Smoking Gun leaks Katie's divorce filing. (But when that time comes, Katie, I want all the juicy details.)

On second thought, add Katie Holmes too. You're not a poor lil' girl that we should be staging an intervention for, you're a grown woman, so if you want to get brainwashed by Scientology/paid to be a beard, more power to ya. Just go do it over there. 

I'm taking nominations, folks...

By the way, if you're wondering why I omitted folks like Lindsey, Britney, and Terrell Owens, it's because they still entertain me with all their trainwreckiness. The celebs on this list have broken my cardinal rule: Annoy me, confuse me, but whatever you do, don't bore me.

kellinator: (r0x0rs by iharthdarth)
CNN.com is reporting something about Tom Cruise and blahblahblah, I don't give a shit. There is something about the Cruise Media Circus that is amusing me enough to point out to the rest of you, though.

Here's the photo of Mr. Top Gun himself emblazoned at the top of CNN.com:




Now who is Mr. Cruise trying to look like now?

Here's what I think... )
kellinator: (Queen of Snark by arkhamrefugee)
So [livejournal.com profile] helichrysm and [livejournal.com profile] kellinator went up the mountain on a 3-day drinking binge. When they awoke from their hangovers, they found two tablets in their posession, with the steps to salvation for dramaholics written thereon. And lo, they returned to the bar for another margarita, an shared their newfound wisdom:

The Goddesses of Snark’s Twelve Step Program to Beat Dramaholism

1. We admitted we were powerless over our dramamongering — that our lives had become stinking pits of drama whoredom.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could smack us and yell "what the FUCK is wrong with you?!" to restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our fucked-up lives over to two goddesses too fabulous for us to understand

4. Made a searching and thorough list of our past drama llamas for the amusement of said goddesses

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our DRAMUH.

6. Were entirely ready to have the two fabulous goddesses remove all these defects of character drama-llamaness, kicking and screaming if need be.

7. Humbly asked Them to beat the hell out of our sorry drama-llama asses

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and made a public post detailing the shitty things we had done to each and every one of them and why it was wrong of us.

9. Placed our lips directly to such people’s left butt cheek in a demonstration of our supplication wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly bent over for a good reaming from the all powerful fabulous goddesses.

11. Sought through excessive use of flattery and buying Them many margaritas to improve our conscious contact with Them, as we understood Them, praying only for knowledge of Their will for us and the power to carry Them from the bar afterwards.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to drama whores, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
kellinator: (you suck)
Hey, who remembers Miss Muffy and the Muff Mob?

"What that bitch needs is an intervention."

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