Unsent Letters, The Shield edition
Mar. 21st, 2006 03:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kellinatorIn honor of tonight's season finale...
Dear Vic,
First of all, let me say WOW. You get more ass than the photocopier at an office Christmas party. We should start calling you Puff Mackey or something.
Anyway, you're like the best liar ever. You're such a good liar that when you said "I didn't kill Terry," I'd have sworn I imagined it if not for the fact that every week on "previously on The Shield" they show you blowing Reed Diamond's brains out.
Love, kinda, or at least this time I'm rooting for you,
Kelly
Dear Kavanaugh,
Wow. You are insane. You have an alignment of Lawful Batshit. You are so creepy that you've done the impossible -- you've made me root for Vic. Your "he had sex with my wife!" meltdown made me genuinely uncomfortable to watch and I'm jaded, I've been watching The Shield for years.
Looking forward to your comeuppance,
Kelly
Dear Forest Whitaker,
Wow. You give good crazy. I hope you win the Emmy.
Love,
Kelly
Dear Lem,
Please don't die. You've become the moral center of the show, which is why it's so sick that you're the one going to prison.
Love,
Kelly
Dear Ronnie,
I love the look on your face when you're obviously wondering how the fuck you got into this mess. Congratulations on finally making the opening credits.
Love,
Kelly
Dear Shane,
I feel like I can't leave you out, so: You're a dumbass and you make the South look bad.
Could you make it one episode without a racist remark?,
Kelly
Dear Acevada,
Wow. You are creepy. Not quite as creepy as Kavanaugh, but still damn creepy. Even though it's Vic's show, in some ways I think you're the ultimate story arc. I mean, Vic was already fallen, but we've seen you go from boy-scout police captain to sleazy double-dealing politician and I can't wait to see how far you'll go.
Try not to have anyone else killed on your way to the mayor's office,
Kelly
Dear Julian,
Glad you finally got a storyline. Loved your big speech last week. Too bad you beat up that gay rights activist, because he was cute and I think he was digging you.
Love,
Kelly
Dear Danny,
'Fess up, girl. WHO'S THE BABY DADDY?
Love,
Kelly
Dear Tina,
OMG WTF DIIIIIIIIIIIIE. Kthxbye.
No love,
Kelly
Dear Claudette,
The whole lame lupus storyline was totally worth it just for last week's episode. The chewing-out you gave Billingsley, and the look on your face when you realized it was for real this time -- maybe your best acting ever. Can't wait to see what you're going to do with the Barn. I'm so glad you're not dead.
Love and admiration,
Kelly
PS -- Could you please fire Tina before she gets someone killed? Thanks.
Dear Dutch,
Dutch, Dutch, Dutch. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! You used to be my favorite character. Stop with the skanky mooning over Tina. Personally I still think the series will end with you and Corrine getting back together and Vic being forced to admit that you're better for her and his kids than he was. But you can't do that if you're being a dirty early-middle-aged man.
Please come to your senses,
Kelly
Dear Vic,
First of all, let me say WOW. You get more ass than the photocopier at an office Christmas party. We should start calling you Puff Mackey or something.
Anyway, you're like the best liar ever. You're such a good liar that when you said "I didn't kill Terry," I'd have sworn I imagined it if not for the fact that every week on "previously on The Shield" they show you blowing Reed Diamond's brains out.
Love, kinda, or at least this time I'm rooting for you,
Kelly
Dear Kavanaugh,
Wow. You are insane. You have an alignment of Lawful Batshit. You are so creepy that you've done the impossible -- you've made me root for Vic. Your "he had sex with my wife!" meltdown made me genuinely uncomfortable to watch and I'm jaded, I've been watching The Shield for years.
Looking forward to your comeuppance,
Kelly
Dear Forest Whitaker,
Wow. You give good crazy. I hope you win the Emmy.
Love,
Kelly
Dear Lem,
Please don't die. You've become the moral center of the show, which is why it's so sick that you're the one going to prison.
Love,
Kelly
Dear Ronnie,
I love the look on your face when you're obviously wondering how the fuck you got into this mess. Congratulations on finally making the opening credits.
Love,
Kelly
Dear Shane,
I feel like I can't leave you out, so: You're a dumbass and you make the South look bad.
Could you make it one episode without a racist remark?,
Kelly
Dear Acevada,
Wow. You are creepy. Not quite as creepy as Kavanaugh, but still damn creepy. Even though it's Vic's show, in some ways I think you're the ultimate story arc. I mean, Vic was already fallen, but we've seen you go from boy-scout police captain to sleazy double-dealing politician and I can't wait to see how far you'll go.
Try not to have anyone else killed on your way to the mayor's office,
Kelly
Dear Julian,
Glad you finally got a storyline. Loved your big speech last week. Too bad you beat up that gay rights activist, because he was cute and I think he was digging you.
Love,
Kelly
Dear Danny,
'Fess up, girl. WHO'S THE BABY DADDY?
Love,
Kelly
Dear Tina,
OMG WTF DIIIIIIIIIIIIE. Kthxbye.
No love,
Kelly
Dear Claudette,
The whole lame lupus storyline was totally worth it just for last week's episode. The chewing-out you gave Billingsley, and the look on your face when you realized it was for real this time -- maybe your best acting ever. Can't wait to see what you're going to do with the Barn. I'm so glad you're not dead.
Love and admiration,
Kelly
PS -- Could you please fire Tina before she gets someone killed? Thanks.
Dear Dutch,
Dutch, Dutch, Dutch. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! You used to be my favorite character. Stop with the skanky mooning over Tina. Personally I still think the series will end with you and Corrine getting back together and Vic being forced to admit that you're better for her and his kids than he was. But you can't do that if you're being a dirty early-middle-aged man.
Please come to your senses,
Kelly
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no subject
Date: 2006-03-22 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-22 06:16 pm (UTC)What's the last part you saw? I'll try to catch you up.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-22 06:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-24 12:43 am (UTC)Really Creepy Moment: Claudette has apparently decided she'll keep Tina around as a chew toy for Dutch so he won't leave (to even out having to partner with Billings, maybe?). She HAS to know exactly what's going on; she's too smart not to. Dutch told Tina that if he's giving her all this attention, it better be worth his time. I suppose there's a chance he'll teach her to be a decent detective, but more likely that's wishful thinking on my part because I like Dutch and don't want him to be a disgusting perv. *siiiiigh*
Okay. Now to the important stuff.
The Strike Team discusses what to do. Vic insists that Lem won't turn on them. They take off to meet him; Vic and Ronnie both are being tailed, so they try and lose them. Shane doesn't have a tail, so he goes to meet Lem. He tells Lem about the ranch in Mexico; Lem's not interested, he's tired of lying, he just wants to do his time. Shane tells Lem that Mara's pregnant again and whines about having another mouth to feed. Shane tells Lem to follow him in his car to meet the others. Then he brings Lem a sandwich. Lem's unwrapping it when Shane tosses one of the grenades from earlier in the car and runs. It blows up. Lem's face is melted, but he's not quite dead yet, so Shane stands there wailing "I'M SORRY!! BUT I HAD TO!!!" while Lem dies. I would call Shane a pussy, but it would be an insult to pussies everywhere.
Shane heads over to meet Vic and Ronnie, tells them he had trouble losing his tail. When Ronnie wonders if Lem's coming, Shane insists he will.
Then Lem's car is discovered. Everyone's there; Tina goes into hysterics. Vic, disbelieving, starts to touch Lem's face; Dutch has to stop him. Claudette tells Dutch his transfer is denied, because she needs her best detective on this case. The grenade casts suspicion on the Salvadorans. Kavanaugh, in one last asshole move, screams "Are you happy now?" at Vic. Vic beats the shit out of him; Claudette, presumably as fed up with Kavanaugh as everyone else, lets him have a few shots before having them separated. The Strike Team stalks off, Vic muttering "We're going to find who did it, and we're going to kill them" and Shane looking very nervous...
(Shane is such a dumbass that he left all sorts of evidence -- the money he gave Lem, the sandwich even, so I don't see how Vic could NOT figure it out. In addition to being a coward, Shane's a fucking moron.)
no subject
Date: 2006-03-24 01:06 pm (UTC)