kellinator | Unsent Letters, The Shield edition

In honor of tonight's season finale...

Dear Vic,

First of all, let me say WOW. You get more ass than the photocopier at an office Christmas party. We should start calling you Puff Mackey or something.

Anyway, you're like the best liar ever. You're such a good liar that when you said "I didn't kill Terry," I'd have sworn I imagined it if not for the fact that every week on "previously on The Shield" they show you blowing Reed Diamond's brains out.

Love, kinda, or at least this time I'm rooting for you,
Kelly

Dear Kavanaugh,

Wow. You are insane. You have an alignment of Lawful Batshit. You are so creepy that you've done the impossible -- you've made me root for Vic. Your "he had sex with my wife!" meltdown made me genuinely uncomfortable to watch and I'm jaded, I've been watching The Shield for years.

Looking forward to your comeuppance,
Kelly

Dear Forest Whitaker,

Wow. You give good crazy. I hope you win the Emmy.

Love,
Kelly

Dear Lem,

Please don't die. You've become the moral center of the show, which is why it's so sick that you're the one going to prison.

Love,
Kelly

Dear Ronnie,

I love the look on your face when you're obviously wondering how the fuck you got into this mess. Congratulations on finally making the opening credits.

Love,
Kelly

Dear Shane,

I feel like I can't leave you out, so: You're a dumbass and you make the South look bad.

Could you make it one episode without a racist remark?,
Kelly

Dear Acevada,

Wow. You are creepy. Not quite as creepy as Kavanaugh, but still damn creepy. Even though it's Vic's show, in some ways I think you're the ultimate story arc. I mean, Vic was already fallen, but we've seen you go from boy-scout police captain to sleazy double-dealing politician and I can't wait to see how far you'll go.

Try not to have anyone else killed on your way to the mayor's office,
Kelly

Dear Julian,

Glad you finally got a storyline. Loved your big speech last week. Too bad you beat up that gay rights activist, because he was cute and I think he was digging you.

Love,
Kelly

Dear Danny,

'Fess up, girl. WHO'S THE BABY DADDY?

Love,
Kelly

Dear Tina,

OMG WTF DIIIIIIIIIIIIE. Kthxbye.

No love,
Kelly

Dear Claudette,

The whole lame lupus storyline was totally worth it just for last week's episode. The chewing-out you gave Billingsley, and the look on your face when you realized it was for real this time -- maybe your best acting ever. Can't wait to see what you're going to do with the Barn. I'm so glad you're not dead.

Love and admiration,
Kelly

PS -- Could you please fire Tina before she gets someone killed? Thanks.

Dear Dutch,

Dutch, Dutch, Dutch. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! You used to be my favorite character. Stop with the skanky mooning over Tina. Personally I still think the series will end with you and Corrine getting back together and Vic being forced to admit that you're better for her and his kids than he was. But you can't do that if you're being a dirty early-middle-aged man.

Please come to your senses,
Kelly