Unsent Letters, it's-Monday-and-I'm-crabby edition

[kellinator]

Dear K-Fed,

Through no fault of my own, because one of my favorite co-workers sent me the link to you attempting to jam and I had to watch it so I would be able to properly snark on you, I have your miserable excuse for a song "PopoZao" stuck in my damn head. I would say that you should pay for this with your life, but 1). contrary to popular belief, I am not actually that violent, and 2). if you were to shuffle off this mortal coil, I would lose one of my very favorite snark targets. Instead, you can make it up to me and the rest of the world by doing something extremely white-trashy and embarrassing very very soon. We need material.

And you look like Eminem's dumber younger brother,
Kelly

Dear Weather,

Please stop taunting me and send me some snow. I'd like to say I'm asking purely because I love the quiet beauty of wintry weather, but what I really want is an excuse to stay in bed all day eating bonbons and playing with the cats.

Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease,
Kelly

Dear Katie,

I spoil you rotten. I buy you all sorts of wonderful cat toys. I even research the best cat toys and buy you those because I am an insanely indulgent kitty-mommy. So can you please explain to me why it is that your current favorite toy is a metal bell that you found and why you feel the need to ring it repeatedly when Mommy is trying to sleep so she can go to work to make the money to buy you the cat food? And do you have sonar for finding it when I hide it or something?

Also, please stop stealing my toilet paper and shredding it all over the place. That stuff doesn't grow on trees, you know. Okay, maybe it is trees. But the point is, it's not your toy. Everything else I own is apparently your toy. Please just let me wipe my ass in peace.

At least you haven't barfed on the rug yet,
Mommy

Dear Heidi,

I know you're still pissed at me for bringing the kitten home, but look at it this way: Now that she's around, everything you do looks genius in comparison.

Also, that thing you do when I'm not feeling well where you come and put your head on me? Totally adorable.

You're a good little neurotic kitty,
Mommy

Dear Disney,

Bambi 2? I think I speak for everyone over the age of 10 when I say what the fuck are you smoking?!

At least Pixar managed to kill Toy Story III. You could learn more than just computer animation from them, you know.

Please stop bastardizing my childhood,
Kelly

Dear Hollywood,

Did we really need a remake of The Shaggy Dog? Do we really need any of the shitty remakes you're putting out, in fact? And why in the hell do we need Final Destination 3? If it's FINAL, then by definition it does not happen again, let alone a third time!

So what I really want to know is, when are you guys going to hire me? Because if it's crap you want, I'm full of it.

Sure I'll sell out if the price is right,
Kelly

Comments

[canciona.livejournal.com]

I love you when you're crabby. :D

Although...you may owe me a new keyboard. Apparently Mello-Yello-spewed-through-the-nose is not great for the moving bits. >.>

[sharrainchains.livejournal.com]

That's the crabby edition? Thanks for several more smiles today. The Bambi 2 letter is vintage kell...

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Oh, I thought that one was kind of weak. If I had a dollar for every time I said what the fuck are you smoking, I could buy a new joke.

[shaunathan.livejournal.com]

We need Final Destination 3 to see how many more clever and creative ways they can kill someone! :P

[adina-atl.livejournal.com]

Having a kitten in the house is the one time when which direction you put the toilet paper on the roll really makes a difference. Make it roll up if a little kitten paw bats at the outside of the roll.

In other news, Cat Fancy magazine did a survey once that discovered that the common milk-jug ring was THE most popular cat-toy on the planet.

[nyxalinth.livejournal.com]

According to my friends' and masahide cat Diana, the best toys are pistachio nuts and used Kleexes, which she digs out of the trash. Eww!

[zitronenhai.livejournal.com]

Y'know, Disney recently "acquired" Pixar (http://www.ipodgarage.com/article.php?id=899), so the Toy Story III project might be revived. :::shudder:::

[nyxalinth.livejournal.com]

Freeze Meister!

that is my favorite Christmas cartoon.

[herroyalflyness.livejournal.com]

The scrapping of Toy Story III was one of John Lassiter's first acts after the Disney aquisition of Pixar, not before.

[zitronenhai.livejournal.com]

Well, that's a relief.

[nyxalinth.livejournal.com]

And why in the hell do we need Final Destination 3? If it's FINAL, then by definition it does not happen again, let alone a third time!

Obviously because Freddy and Jason movies have finally run their course. I hope.

[reannon.livejournal.com]

When Marina was a kitten, she would steal sponges. Kitchen sponges, all kinds. We'd see her go bounding out of the kitchen, a cellulose sponge as big as her head caught in her mouth. Brillo pads. Plastic scrubbies. Must have gone through dozens of sponges, and she was always faster than we were.

It was a two-bedroom apartment, but we never could figure out what she DID with those sponges. Search after search yielded nothing. We knew she couldn't eat them, because yuk - cellulose bad for kittyparts, and steel wool... ow.

When we moved, we expected to find a shredded pile of spongebits under some furniture. Nothing. Clean as the proverbial whistle. Clearly Marina is capable of creating wormholes through which she pitched our sponges. This also explains ballpoint pens and the DVD zapper.

[sage-and-sea.livejournal.com]

Selene is our elder-stateswoman, a venerable kitty at 16-nearly-17. You would not know her age when she finds her little toy mice at night, though. Nothing gets me out of bed faster than Selene HOWLING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS at the little mouse.

And Tommie is insistent on eating my kleenex out of the box, so when I go to grab a new tissue, I get a half-eaten one.

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

It's precisely because you're an overindulgent kitty mommy that she doesn't play with the toys you buy her. Cats are evil that way.

[tfcocs.livejournal.com]

Bambi 2? I think I speak for everyone over the age of 10 when I say what the fuck are you smoking?!

I whole-heartedly agree.

[ethangilchrist.livejournal.com]

I'm just wondering who Patrick Stewart owes money to for him to have to be involved in the movie.

[amenquohi.livejournal.com]

Now you've got me singing that effing song.

PopoZAO!!! Kill me now!!! Please!!! I beg of you!!!!!!!!!

Just for you...

[leopard-print.livejournal.com]

Your Star Wars Pickup Line

"I may look like an Ewok, but I'm all Wookie where it counts, baby."

What's Your Star Wars Pickup Line?

[copykitty.livejournal.com]

woohoo! more "letters not sent"!!!!!!

[dhyanarae.livejournal.com]

Dear Hollywood made me laugh greatly. Thank you for that.