I've said it before, I'll say it again: BRING BACK ADAM SCHIFF YOU FUCKERS!!!

[kellinator]

Okay, who suffered through saw last night's Law and Order?

Geez-Lou-fucking-ise. What the fuck was that?! Anyway, everyone knows that the Law and Order lesbians are Olivia and Alex!

[Poll #417807]

Here's what I think: If Serena's a lesbian, she's the lipstickiest damn lipstick lesbian that ever lipsticked. I wondered if perhaps I was the prejudiced one and I was being unfair to lipstick lesbians, but then I racked my brain and no, I can't think of any lesbians that resemble Barbie dolls so closely. Not to mention, as I saw pointed out elsewhere online, the idea that we'd be so shocked -- SHOCKED!! -- by this revelation is pretty damn condescending and exploitative. Smacks more of "let's freak out the viewers" than careful characterization (which Law and Order was capable of, once upon a time). Seems like Dick Wolf wanted to show off how open-minded he is by having a gay character, but didn't want to actually risk anything that might piss off the Religious Right, so he makes it the already-leaving just-got-fired-anyway character so he wouldn't have any consequences to deal with.

And how about Fred Thompson? Man, now I'm really mad about the Christmas present Santa didn't come through with: giving Fred Thompson the sudden uncontrollable urge to retire. He basically admitted he was firing her because she wouldn't get in the kitchen and make him some pie. He was pissed that she was right and he was wrong. Could you believe his speech? We need cold-blooded people in the DA's office? Why didn't he just say, "You're a woman, so you're fired"?

(Note: Almost immediately afterwards, I turned to Michael and said, "Yeah, like he'd actually say, 'yes, I'm firing you for being a lesbian.'")

Seriously, folks. It's been bad for a while. I've been seeing sharks ever since Adam Schiff split. The new bimbo ADA will just make things worse, I'm sure -- if Casey Fuckin' Novak is any indication, they'll be bringing in someone who'll make Elizabeth Rohm look like Jill Hennessey.

There's only one answer.

Fixing Law and Order, Kellinator-Style:

Serena sues the DA's department for wrongful termination. She wins and Arthur is forced out in disgrace. Jack gets kicked upstairs to the DA's office, where he spends most of his time gargling with scotch and playing golf with Adam Schiff. He persuades Jamie Ross and Abby Carmichael to come back to the DA's office, where they make a lethal one-two punch when they're not at each other's throats. After a compelling storyline involving Fontana and police corruption (seriously, a cop with a Mercedes?), Munch transfers from SVU to partner with Ed. In a rare touching scene, the new partners reminisce with Van Buren about how much they all miss Lennie.

Watch out, Dick Wolf. I'm gunning for your job.

Comments

[mgrasso.livejournal.com]

Serena's a lesbian? To quote Penny Arcade, "Whoa. That came out of nowhere." I haven't been watching the NBC shows this season at all, so I've got no idea what's going on, but I like your plan a lot. :)

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY. I mean, we do get little hints of who the characters are. If she were really a lesbian, wouldn't we have gotten a hint of it in the past way-too-many years she's been on the show?

[squiddna.livejournal.com]

I've always admired Law and Order for focusing so little on the regular characters' personal lives. It was always about the case. Which, I guess, makes it seem kind of inconsistent that they'd suddenly drop something like this on the viewer.

[magenta-girl.livejournal.com]

I didn't even know it was supposed to be a twist--I don't watch new Law & Orders very often, as I am so far behind in perpetual rerun land on TNT...
I thought it was really STUPID though...What a lame question! Like even if he were firing her for being a lesbian, HELLO! HE'S A LAWYER!!! And I would hope he would know enough to know better than to say something like, "Of course I'm firing you because you're a lesbian. Because now what's the point of sexually harrassing you???"

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

YES!!! That's it exactly. Thanks for reminding me of that (and you're damn right on the sexual harrassment angle!).

[xforge.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I always got that feeling from Serena anyway - a little too butch no matter how she paints herself.

Totally ready to have Angie Harmon back. She left the show to have a baby din' she? Kid's gotta be like, 8 or 9 by now, hehe, so c'mon back girlie!!!

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

I never did. There are other characters I could get that from, but never Little-Miss-"I-Solve-Cases-By-Knowing-Too-Much-About-Lipstick-And-Evening-Bags."

I would love to have Angie Harmon back. (Ironically, I didn't like her during most of her original run, but now I miss me some Abby.)

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

I like your new version.

I've been watching CSI: NY instead of my beloved L&O this season cause I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm getting my fix with SVU and reruns.

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Without a Trace, baybeeeeee!!! Better than Law and Order, almost as good as Homicide.

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes indeedy, I watch that too!

[bossieboots.livejournal.com]

jackjackjackjackjackjackjack

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

You know what I need? An icon of Jack with that quote I liked last week: "Ya wanna come out here and lie to me some more?"

[bossieboots.livejournal.com]

I also liked, "You're really starting to piss me off."

http://www.infedelssurveillance.com

has the screencaps

[ga-sunshine.livejournal.com]

I haven't been watching any nighttime tv since like October...but Serena is NO lesbian. JHCoAFPS.

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

What does JHCoAFPS mean?

[ga-sunshine.livejournal.com]

Jesus H. Christ on a Frigging pogo stick

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

heeheeheeheeheeeee

[officerjudy.livejournal.com]

Hear, hear. Bring back Adam Schiff!

And that revelation...was completely over the top.

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

I miss Adam *sniffle*

[alladinsane.livejournal.com]

Ditto, but how do you talk Steven Hill out of retirement and getting back into that rough commute into the city to do just a few scenes?

[reannon.livejournal.com]

Sharks are, in fact, circling, but not just because the main characters are drying out. It's because the mysteries aren't interesting anymore. Seriously, I listened with half an ear while I edited my "West Wing" recap. Whodunit? Whocares?

I actually don't have a problem with the idea of Serena being a very lipstick lesbian. I like the contradiction that all lesbians have certain physical characteristics to pick them out. It would be too Dick Wolf to make a lesbian second-chair be Angie Harmon, aggressive and deep-voiced.

But "too much passion"? The fuck? She's right, everything she said got shot down! Thompson was shoving her out, and I'd love for it to be about gay discrimination.

Too much passion. Did Thompson ever meet Jack McCoy before Jill Hennessy's death? McCoy's been much less fiery, more subdued and (althought they don't show it) probably drinking a lot more since she died. I'd like to think that's intentional characterization and not bad writing, but...

I cling to the hope that it's a setup for a future episode, in which she sues, although I hadn't envisioned it kicking out Fred Thompson but I WHOLEHEARTEDLY support the idea. Hell, forget Adam Schiff - bring back whatshername! Anyone is better. Alas, one flaw with your plan - they're making Jamie Ross a judge. Which, to me, is a GOOD thing, as long as she's not a family court judge.

I liked Angie Harmon. Make her the new head DA. But with a MALE second banana. Wouldn't that be nice?

And I'm waiting for the we-miss-Lennie moment. But Wolf will fuck it up.

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

I get what you're saying about lesbians, but I just think that if they were going to do this, they should have, you know, actually hinted at it before? It smacked of something they pasted on at the last minute. MY LEZBIAN IS PASTEDED ON YEEEEY!!!

And yeah, the way his little speech on passion was framed? Might as well have said "You're fired for being too much like a woman."

Yes, the women need to be in charge!

[reannon.livejournal.com]

Heh heh heh. Well, bumping Jack upstairs doesn't work in the realism-check, because they have to run for district attorney and Jacky isn't going to pass the smell test with New York newspapers. *snicker* But maybe we find a way... an appointment after Thompson has to resign in disgrace, and then a succession of high-profile wins to blot out his indiscretions and ethics admonishments?

You know who'd be GREAT? Richard Brooks. He hasn't worked in a while. And talk about fiery. He's been a civil rights lawyer last time we saw him. A little old-school is just what the doctor ordered.

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Richard Brooks!! Oh yeah, baby!!

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

Seems to me like they've just invented this 'conflict' with her his past season or the season before. I mean, she was never one of my favorites, but back in the beginning of her tenure she didn't appear to be such an AIRHEAD - she'd worked on Wall Street, ferchrissake.
I like your idea. They're not USING Munch over on the SVU squad anyway, it's turned into the damn Olivia Show Starring Olivia (with a side order of Elliot Stabler occasionally to break up the monotony of having SuperOlivia save the day ... )

[hooper-x.livejournal.com]

Olivia Saves The Day! (While Stabler roughs up suspects, Munch is basically there to collect a check, and Fin is there basically thanking god he's Ice T and not Ice Cube)

-HX, and by the way, Ice Cube, what the fuck happened to YOU, dogg?

[notgruntled.livejournal.com]

Cube is about to release "Are We There Yet?," his production company's first family comedy. He also produced all three "Friday" movies and both "Barbershop" movies.

He doesn't have as high a profile with white audiences, but I'd bet Ice Cube is making a bunch more money than Ice T.

[hooper-x.livejournal.com]

Uh... that was my point.

Remember ICE CUBE WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I'M A CRAZY MOTHAFUCKA FROM AROUND THE WAY! SINCE I WAS A YOUTH, I SMOKE WEED OUT, NOW I'M THE MOTHAFUCKA THAT YOU READ ABOUT! TAKIN' A LIFE OR TWO, THAT'S WHAT THE HELL I DO, IF YOU DON'T LIKE HOW I'M LIVIN' WELL FUCK YOU!?

And now he's doing WHOLESOME FAMILY COMEDY.

You've come a long way, baby.

-HX

[tallin.livejournal.com]

Aw c'mon. It's not always SuperOlivia saves the day. Occasionally, it's a nice game of Super Elliot Brothers wherein we save the heroic female cop from the evil King Koopa (Thank you, Elliot, but your Olivia is in another castle).

[jerel.livejournal.com]

ROTFL!!

[hooper-x.livejournal.com]

Can I give my own answer to the quiz, which is: the last minute twist was : Confusing?

-HX, man, fuck it, i'll just go watch SVU. Fucking girlfriend, all she EVER watches is goddamn law and order.

[lonejaguar.livejournal.com]

Bless you.

I'd definitely expect a lawsuit. When Jeffries was "let go" in SVU, she came back the next season suing the city for wrongful termination, so I'm sure they'll bring Serena back eventually.

[alfabettezoupe.livejournal.com]

i was watching that thinking, 'wtf?'

the phrase 'in the closet' doesn't even apply here. i guess we're maybe supposed to assume that the whole episode with gay marriage was supposed to foreshadow this.

it was quite possibly one of the worst ways that i've ever seen them have a character exit.

i liked abbie... i even liked claire and jamie (i love jack). i couldn't however stomach robinette and i just detest ben stone (he makes my skin crawl even more than fred thompson!).

[madshrubbery.livejournal.com]

I would have rather them have killed her off than deal with this bullshit!

[hooper-x.livejournal.com]

KELLY WILL YOU MAKE MORE HOTT HOTT MAKEOUTS ON LAW AND ORDER IF SO PLEASE SHOOT YOURSELF.

-hx, my favorite pairing is fanfic authors and bullets to the head.

[stevietee.livejournal.com]

Let me just say that I have never, ever spontaneously just started laughing out loud uncontrollably at the end of an episode of L&O before last night's episode. Neither S~ nor I could stop laughing!

My favorite show has gotten so bad, it's a farce!

[daf9.livejournal.com]

Hi kellinator. Hope you don't mind I dropped by.

I think the ending was quite impressive in its way. Two minutes to piss off women and possibly black rappers as well if they're offended by the idea that it might take a lesbian to sympathize with a rapper in that predicament. Probably piss off lawyers of any sex who would be offended that a lawyer could be as stupid as Arthur in delivering his speech or as Serena in delivering her non sequitor (although in my world I've decided Serena was actually being clever and delivered that line deliberately to provide a basis for her wrongful dismissal suit).