kellinator | State of the Kelly

It's time.

"Adorably Neurotic" has been my secondary username on here for years and years. I used to change it a lot (a couple I remember were "Soap Opera Girl" and "Facing Down the Whirlwind"), but when I hit on that one I kept it. It described me so perfectly. And it became a persona. I think most of us who spend substantial time on LiveJournal end up with personas, even though we usually try and deny it. And that was mine.

But there have been changes.

Last night I got to go to

not_hothead_yet's party, and saw her and

aka_baphomet and

ladylabyrinth and

the_yellow_king, none of whom I'd gotten to see in quite a long time. They all told me how much I'd changed.

the_yellow_king even said he didn't recognize me at first. I said "is it the hair color? the weight loss?" and he said "You're smiling!" I've known it for a while, but hearing them say how much I've changed and all for better was a really good feeling.

vernard, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite people, told me the other night that I'm in better shape than I realize, and in better shape than a lot of people, because I know who I am. I know I'm not totally there yet; there are still things about myself I want to change and improve, and there are still things I'm finding out about myself. But yeah. I really have come a long way. And

vernard's right; it's time for me to be easier on myself, and start cutting myself some slack, and treat myself the way I treat my friends -- love myself.

See, I had some friends my freshman year of college, and we went through this phase where we all took every online personality test we could find, and then they made fun of me because they were Thinkers and I was a Feeler and therefore obviously I was stupid and not as "good" and "logical" as them. (It's worth pointing out that they were the ones who did really stupid things like getting married at 20, but I digress from my original disgression.) And I internalized it. (

atomicnumber51: "Don't you know you should internalize anything anyone tells you during your freshman year of college?") I became a Feeler who looked down on myself for being a Feeler, and was ashamed of it. But now I see that being a Feeler is part of what makes me who I am, and it's a good thing. The world needs Feelers just as it needs Thinkers too.

vernard told me that's it's okay to have feelings, and he's right. It's okay. I'm okay.

So yeah. Anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah. Adorably Neurotic just isn't who I am anymore.

So what's the new name?

Do you even have to ask?

I've resisted claiming this name for a while because it felt, I don't know, like I didn't deserve the title or something. But half my friends list uses it to refer to me, I even have an icon that says it, so it's time to own it.

I am the Queen of Snark.