Well, that was weird.

[kellinator]

Well, that was a weird weekend.

The funny thing is, nothing "weird" per se actually happened. In fact, it was actually a very sedate weekend. Just... it felt weird. Like, thinking too much about too much stuff that I didn't really want to think about.

Have you ever got to thinking, what's really you? The real you, not the you that acts that way because your parents told you to or people expect you to or you think people expect you to. Like, who the hell am I? Sometimes I think I have a good idea, sometimes I don't know. I usually think being compulsively nice is just a part of my personality, but what if it's just an act to get people to like me, an act I've been doing for so long that I've internalized it to the point where it's a subconscious act?

I think my brain just exploded.

Someone told me I'm the most insecure person she's ever met. I wonder if that's part of my personality too?

Comments

[canciona.livejournal.com]

If you're being nice without consciously telling yourself "well, I'd rather say 'fuck off', but I'll say 'thank you ever so much for your input' instead, because otherwise so-and-so might not like me"...it's a safe bet that you're really a nice person, after all. I know what you mean, but if you're being nice and not regretting or resenting it, then you're nice. Period.

And everyone with any sort of self-awareness wonders these things. If someone tells you that these thoughts mean you are insecure, chances are that said person is either a) completely lacking self-awareness and perception themselves, b) not terribly honest with themselves, or, perhaps most likely, c) trying to make you insecure.

You're not insecure, you're trying to know yourself better. That's a wonderful thing, and actually probably means you're not particularly insecure - if you were, you wouldn't consider yourself worth knowing. So wrap your brain around that one for a while. :)

My $.02, free of charge...

Re:

[10dimensions.livejournal.com]

Ah, actually I believe I said that to her, coming from someone who knows insecure because she looks at it every day in the mirror. I'm both self-aware and perceptive enough to see this, understand that it ultimately stands in the way of my happiness, and to be in therapy for it. Which, I believe, was the context of this conversation I had with Kel. She and I both struggle with internal conflict over whether or not we subconsciously make doormats out of ourselves because of our desire for positive feedback from others.

Re:

[canciona.livejournal.com]

My apologies. I misinterpreted your intent and was out of line. I am sorry, and mean no offense.

Re:

[10dimensions.livejournal.com]

No worries...I wasn't offended. I just didn't want anyone to think that Kel's friends suck that much. ;)

I've been meaning to come back and clarify...sorry it took me forever to do it!