Too good not to share

[kellinator]

reannon has pointed me in the direction of the Last Man on Earth poll. Which wildly unappealing man would you choose to sleep with?

My answers, for my own amusement.

Bud Selig vs. Woody Allen: I'll take Woody. Skanky, but occasionally very, very funny.

Michael Jackson vs. Howard Stern: Howard. No question. And hey, maybe he can set me up with Richard Belzer!

Steve Buscemi vs. Yassir Arafat: No question. Steve is one of the few people on the poll I have a crush on anyway. Yes, he looks like his parents didn't feed him. Yes, he could play the Taco Bell Chihuahua in the movie. But he is also smart, talented, and noble (a former NYC firefighter who spent September 11 pitching in at Ground Zero and has refused to exploit it in interviews). That makes him pretty damn sexy in my book.

Keith Richards vs. Patrick Ewing: Keith. Hey, I like the Stones. More on that later.

Richard Simmons vs. Dennis Franz: Dennis. There's no way I'm touching Richard Simmons with a ten-foot poll.

Lyle Lovett vs. Dick Cheney: Lyle is cute as a bug. In fact, he falls in the "so ugly he's cute" category which I'm so fond of, along with Bob Dylan, the aforementioned Steve Buscemi, and my most favorite bizarre celebrity crush Richard Belzer. I'm starting to understand why guys never seem flattered when I tell them they're cute.

Randy Johnson vs. Ozzy Osbourne: Ozzy. He reminds me of an old boyfriend I'll always have a soft spot for.

Marilyn Manson vs. Wayne Knight: I'll go with MM, just because I think I could probably slap him into normalcy for a few minutes.

Clint Howard vs. Larry King: Clint is the less annoying choice. Also, not quite old enough to be my grandfather.

Saddam Hussein vs. Gary Coleman: This was the hardest one. I went with Gary because he's less violent.

Rodney Dangerfield vs. Paul Reubens: Paul. Oh wait, didn't he get caught with kiddie porn? Fuck.

Jimmy Swaggart vs. Don Knotts: Don, because I actively detest Jimmy Swaggart.

Mike Tyson vs. Bill Clinton: Bill. He has charisma; Tyson has none.

Mick Jagger vs. Meat Loaf: Mick is proof that sexy is all in the attitude. He's ugly as sin, but when I saw the Stones at Vanderbilt in '97, after a few minutes of him prancing around onstage, I was forced to admit that he was hot.

Kim Jong-Il vs. Carrot Top: Carrot Top may be annoying, but at least no major magazine has described him as "Dr. Evil."

George W. Bush vs. Charles Manson: Shockingly, they found someone I'd pick the Shrub over. Thank God this is only a mental exercise.

Comments

[weaktwos.livejournal.com]

We made most of the same choices. Though I picked Meat Loaf over Mick. I'm sure Mick is bright and hot, but he gets enough action as it is. I've always liked Meat Loaf. I am strangely attracted to any man who plays a testicular cancer victim who acquires "bitch tits".

[elizabethf.livejournal.com]

And when he dropped all his weight and I saw him on VH1 Storytellers, he was actually an attractive looking guy. Besides, he's got a ton of charisma.

[ardentdelirium.livejournal.com]

why does Saddam have mickey mouse ears in the pic?

[football-swan.livejournal.com]

Senator Ted Kennedy v. Jabba the Hut??

Hmm, that would be forcing you to choose between twins. Not a fair thing. So sorry.

[wintersweet.livejournal.com]

On certain questions, just redefine "have sex with" to "sodomize with a large rake" and I believe you'll find your choices suddenly much easier. XD

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

*ding ding ding* We have a winnah!!

[wintersweet.livejournal.com]

Heeheehee.

[whysoblue.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on Steve Buscemi and Lyle Lovett, but I've got to disagree with Ozzy Osborne and Don Knotts and Keith Richards for precisely this reason: too old = too gross. Besides, Ozzy is all shaky and twitchy and not in a good way. And Carrot Top? Too skinny = too gross and jesus, could you imagine the horrid things he might say while you were screwing? I shudder to think.

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Ah, but that's why, as atomicnumber51 pointed out, you duct-tape his mouth shut!!

[reannon.livejournal.com]

Hey, that idea makes the whole list a lot more palatable, doesn't it?

[hotcoffeems.livejournal.com]

Saddam Hussein vs. Gary Coleman: This was the hardest one. I went with Gary because he's less violent....Kim Jong-Il vs. Carrot Top: Carrot Top may be annoying, but at least no major magazine has described him as "Dr. Evil."

For these two quotes alone I would say that while Steve Buscemi is mine, I would share him with you and only you.

Mick? Ergh...he looks like a mummified baboon corpse.

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Yaaaaaay!!! We are the Pervy Steve Buscemi Fanciers!!!

[printemps.livejournal.com]

I can no longer speak to you. You chose Carrot Top.

[canciona.livejournal.com]

Gotta say, if Keef was the last man on earth (and let's face it, he should have been dead half a million times by now, so it's pretty lucky), I'd be thrilled to play last woman. How can you not love a musical genius who has a million wrinkles but every last one is a laugh line (watch him smile while he's playing sometime, you'll see what I mean), who's funny and adores women, and who's just generally awesome?? Sorry, rhapsody over, but that one was a no-brainer!

[kmeghan.livejournal.com]

holy crap. the Saddam Hussein/Gary Coleman was the hardest for me to chose. Saddam would probably have me stoned afterward, and Coleman would be annoying as hell the whole time!

[pinkeffigy.livejournal.com]

I dunno... in the cases of many of these options, the world just would end with two humans not repopulating. I am not doing Woody Allen or Bud Selig! Eep!