I have discovered the dumbest time sink ever...

[kellinator]

http://www.fanfiction.net/

I had no idea there was so much bad fanfic in the world. I mean, really bad fanfic. Not just bad fanfic. So-bad-you'd-gouge-your-eyes-out-if-only-you-could-stop-laughing fanfic.


The most rudimentary perusal has revealed:

** a Harry Potter fanfic where Hermione gets it on with Draco, then Harry. I have fixated on the fact that Harry ties Hermione to the floor. What the fuck, dude? You can't tie people to the floor. It's flat.

** Titanic: The True and Untold Story. "Jack and Rose were walking down the port side of the ship past Gordon fisherman. He was catching some fish sticks. Then Nessy the Loch Ness monster swam by."

** one simply called Powerpuff Jackass: "The Powerpuff Girls Jackass Parody where YOU choose which dangerous stunt is used next, Join Professor Utonium and others as they perform stunts that will make you sick!"

** a Blue's Clues piece that is so foul I'm not even posting the link. It makes South Park look like Sesame Street.

** and this masterpiece, which for some reason is filed under "Blue's Clues":

"Once upon a time there was a backyard , and the sound of a chain gun echoed across the grass , die punks ! Meet your maker Tommy go to hell ! I want that boy dead or alive! Ahhhhhhhhh die die die die die die you American spy ………….. ( cut to blackness) …..AHHHHHHH …………. ( sound of blood hitting floor) Timmy NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO …………………………


( cut to card )



Rugrats in Nam the movie



FADE AWAY TOMMY HEELLEENN"

(One review of that one simply reads "Hmmm... that just dropped my I.Q. by 16 whole points.")

The best part, of course, is the reviews:

"OMG. Crack is bad for you."

"this story is crap."

"No I DON'T like it, and no I DON'T think you should write more. I wanted to give you a chance after the review I left on your tomb raider fiction but now I wish I hadn't. This is pathetic."

"This was not even a little bit funny. Do us all a favor and stop butchering this movie."

This is a lot like when I used to find bad personal ads, only a lot easier!

Comments

[weaktwos.livejournal.com]

Wow. The perilous journey of wayward fans. Wouldn't it be embarassing if someone put those holocausts of prose in a time capsule and future generations came across them?

[azurelunatic]

Heh. Blues Clues? Does it involve two women showing up, and Very Bad Things happening? If so, I know who wrote it.

Re:

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Nope, it involves Blue and Steve getting freaky.

[azurelunatic]

No thanks. So very much no thanks.

Re: Tying to the floor

[scarcrest.livejournal.com]

It's possible if you use stakes, or tie the person down using, say, the legs of chairs. (Harlan Ellison once wrote an essay about the single kinkiest sexual experience of his life to that point, and it involved a woman who wanted to be done in this fashion on her mother's freshly shampooed pristine white carpet in a Beverly Hills mansion. He apparently tied her up -- for his own protection -- then left her there, naked and bound, and told her to thank her mom for the soup, and went home.)

Re: Tying to the floor

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Jason, you've thought about this way too much. ;)

atomicnumber51 and I already had this conversation, and according to the story, "he tied her to the floor." No stakes, no furniture. That should give you an idea of the quality of this story!

I'm starting to understand why so many people think Harlan Ellison's a jackass... Remember kids, only get kinky with people you know you can trust!

Re: Tying to the floor

[scarcrest.livejournal.com]

Harlan is a jackass. But nine times out of 10, he's right. (It's okay to be a bastard, if you're a right bastard.)

For a specialized subset of these little gems,

[camwyn]

you might want to visit the marysues community. It's a group that exists for the discussion and warding off of the dreaded fanfiction character, the Mary Sue - you know the kind, perfect, beautiful, intelligent, can sing, can play five different instruments, speak six different langauges, and beat any of the main evil characters up with one hand tied behind her back.

Re: For a specialized subset of these little gems,

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I look forward to checking it out.

[hooper-x.livejournal.com]

You mean you hadn't seen this already?

Oh, jesus. I remember there was a BIG stink about taking the x-rated fanfics off. Did they ever do that? I stuck around long enough to see "Sailor Moon vs. the Transformers". THat was enough.

Because WHAT?

[azurelunatic]

I've been hearing things about certain stories disappearing.