PSA/rant

[kellinator]

There's a big problem with LJ that I think should be addressed.

LJ makes us think we know people better than we really do. Yes, we read the inner workings of each other's heads. Yes, it's very intimate. Yes, you can get to "know" someone you've never met pretty well.

But you don't know someone you've never met as well as you think you do.

I've seen this play out on LJ what seems like a million times. Someone posts about something that's going on with them -- maybe a personality flaw, maybe an unhealthy behavior, something that people close to them are concerned about. And a bunch of LJers come out of the woodwork going "no! You're perfect just as you are! If they were REAL FRIENDS, they'd understand it! They'd accept you just as you are!"

And then a real friend comes along, someone who actually knows what's going on, and posts some real, useful advice. And then the sycophants dogpile on that person, accusing them of being "mean" and "not a real friend."

Stop it. Just fucking stop it.

If you've never met a person, if you only know what's going on on LJ, then you only know a tiny part of the story. What makes you think you're more qualified to pass judgment than people who actually know the story?

Friends aren't just people who post *hugs*. A real friend will tell you when you're being a jackass, or engaging in behavior that's unhealthy. A real friend will tell you when you're making a fool of yourself.

How do I know this? Because it's happened to me. Some of the best advice I've ever received has started with the words "You're not going to like this, but..." None of us are perfect. And sometimes we need that outside perspective. If close friends of mine had sat on their hands going "well, Kelly's doing some really stupid shit but I can't tell her because she'll get mad," I would probably have kept doing really stupid shit and would probably be in a really bad place right now.

Sometimes the words you don't want to hear are the ones that mean "I love you" the most. If somebody really loves you, they won't mindlessly pat you on the head while you ruin your life.

If you want to bite the hand that's reaching out, fine. Just don't be surprised when you're left with just the imaginary friends in your computer who post *hugs*.

So, next time you start to post a "you go girl/boy! Screw them if they don't like you just the way you are!" comment, think about it before you hit that button. Do you mean it? Or are you just saying that because you think it's what you're supposed to say? Are you really helping anyone? Or are you just being an enabler?

Friendship isn't just hearts and bunnies. It's having the guts to show you really care. It's called tough love for a reason.

Comments

[celeloriel.livejournal.com]

I'm putting this into my memories. And also taking a bit to process it. Thank you for posting it; my gut is that I agree.

[dwivian]

you know.... fuck you for writing this before I finished composing my own post!! DAMMIT! I was going to be all snarky on the fact that real friends are those that say "dude, you've messed this one up pretty good" and not those sychophants we see all around. I don't want yes-men, but people that are willing to tell me that I'm being stupid, and tell me why.

Now I have to go find a quiz to post. This sucks.

::grin::

[dwivian]

now, THAT'S a word that needs to be in the Wiki along with a link to this post...

[ga-sunshine.livejournal.com]

I have talked with you aside from LJ and feel like I still don't know a tenth of who you are. I'm sure you feel the same way, but in the end I do feel a bond. Sometimes I don't know what to say, but I do know you want to hear the "hugs" just to know I listened and I cared. *hug

[ga-sunshine.livejournal.com]

Remember, you asked for it.

Put on a fucking shirt. Now.

[sujata.livejournal.com]

Well said. And very courageous.

I'm proud to be able to claim you as not just an LJ friend, but a real-life friend.

Love and *hugs*,
Molly

[dwivian]

Nope. I'm standing in front of a fireplace, soaking up the heat. No need for a shirt.

[renaissancekat.livejournal.com]

As always, the voice of reason stands out.

Great post. Wish more people would take it to heart.

[shes-not-there.livejournal.com]

Whoa. When people say stuff like this, I usually look around me and go "Are you talking to me?"

I would like to know you better. Feel free to call me or chat me up online whenever you get the chance. We should go hang out or something; I'm in the metro area shortly after work.

[stevenglassman.livejournal.com]

No, she was right. She just had an extra 'n' in the spelling:

syc·o·phant
n : A servile self-seeker who attempts to win favor by flattering influential people.
n : A person who tries to please someone in order to gain a personal advantage [syn: toady, crawler, lackey]

[stevenglassman.livejournal.com]

Although now that you mention it, 'psycho pants' is kinda funny.

[photognome.livejournal.com]

Amen sister!

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

May I post this to (dear god, I can't actually read what I'm typing!) readers_list?

[deza.livejournal.com]

No, really. Put on a shirt. Please.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Kells, you are a snarktastic bitch and I love you.

*bows to the greatness*

[dwivian]

Nope.

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

I'd be honored. :)

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

Did and dood.  :)

[chicating.livejournal.com]

I think it's a different thing to post like "No matter what, I still care." or "I'll keep a good thought for you."
Sometimes we all want some strokes. And that's not all bad.
But if you want to get to that next level... you're right

[chicating.livejournal.com]

But I'll be very careful to tag my pissing and moaning as such and know that Kell would answer my "Is this fucked up, or am I?"
ooh, I know "friends" or "bunkies"?
(Aw, it's a homicide thing)
I've used the quote in your icon three times today...must be contagious.)

[tikimama.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's a little joke I like to make. Since most people who have lots of sycophants are psychos.

Don't be so serious, sweetie!

You're kidding, right?

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

I don't want yes-men, but people that are willing to tell me that I'm being stupid, and tell me why.

Really? Because the last time I told you, in the politest and most civil terms I could muster, that you were being stupid, you responded with a list of justifications longer than my arm, including an incredibly self-serving interpretation of the Golden Rule.

If you're sincere in your desire to be a minister, I think you would be well-served to spend more time developing empathy for other people and less time justifying yourself. If, however, you would prefer to be a politician, then please, continue as you are.

And please don't give me the line you did that one time about how deeply you feel. I've seen you cause too many hurt feelings to believe that. "Faith without works is dead." So are words without the actions that show you truly mean those words.

You have a choice, Dwiv. You can become the person you have the potential of being, but that's going to involve humility, compassion, and admitting you don't know everything. Or, you can continue as you are, and then wonder why people say things like this to you.

And please don't start whining about how nobody understands you and I'm being mean to you. When you posted your comment, which does not fit with any of the behavior I've witnessed from you on LJ, on this post in particular, you asked for it. Basically, you made a comment that you thought would make you look cool, when that comment did not fit with any of your past behavior (and, in fact, your behavior in the replies to that comment). This post is me putting LJ on notice: If you post bullshit in my journal, I will call it like I see it.

[nyxalinth.livejournal.com]

I have quite a few friends who won't tell me when I'm really being a fool, but I love them anyway. The one or two friends I have who do tell me when I'm being an idiot make up for the rest :)

Re: You're kidding, right?

[ariedana.livejournal.com]

*applauds*

Re: You're kidding, right?

[dwivian]

Nope. I'm not kidding.

I do want my friends to do this, as it forces me to deal with myself.

I never said I'd take it well, or that I wouldn't be defensive. And, yes, I do feel, and deeply, but I also screw up because I don't know how OTHERS feel.

So, how does one develop empathy? I have always thought of it more as a talent than a skill.

Thank you for your words.