Because if we have a low opinion of ourselves we mistrust anyone who doesn't. If they're nice to us, there must be something wrong with them. But if we can make the assholes like us, then by gaining worth in their eyes we can gain some in our own. That's why you see so much of it in high school...no one is emotionally mature at that age, everyone is looking to everyone else on how to act, looking to their peers for validation.
I've been there, although not with an asshole but with someone who was a nice person. But I wanted so badly to be "best" friends with someone...I thought if I could just have a "best friend" then it would erase all the snubbings of my youth. So I went out of my way to be the very best friend I could be...always calling this person, always trying to do things for them. I poured my energy and emotions into trying to make things come about how I wanted them to, instead of just letting things develop naturally if they were going to.
And of course it backfired. Because it was never about that person, it was about me trying to find my worth in another person, wanting them to give me something that they could never give me in the first place. Constantly needing reassurance and looking to another person to prop up the way you feel about yourself is emotionally draining on that person. When you cling that hard to someone, in the end you just push them further away. Even a best friend can't hold up your self-esteem for you. And when you're giving it all away like that, you lessen the value of what you're giving.
It doesn't matter how many other people like you. It doesn't matter how many time your friends reassure you that yes, you're really okay, and yes, we really like you. None of that will be worth anything until you belief it within yourself, for yourself.
Everyone has insecure moments. Everyone needs reassurance sometimes. Everyone gets nervous in certain situations, or has times when they feel they don't belong. And everyone makes the occasional bad choice about who to call a friend. That's human, and there's nothing abnormal about that. But if you don't have a basic core belief in your own self-worth, those moments will eat you alive.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2004-07-29 01:27 pm (UTC)I've been there, although not with an asshole but with someone who was a nice person. But I wanted so badly to be "best" friends with someone...I thought if I could just have a "best friend" then it would erase all the snubbings of my youth. So I went out of my way to be the very best friend I could be...always calling this person, always trying to do things for them. I poured my energy and emotions into trying to make things come about how I wanted them to, instead of just letting things develop naturally if they were going to.
And of course it backfired. Because it was never about that person, it was about me trying to find my worth in another person, wanting them to give me something that they could never give me in the first place. Constantly needing reassurance and looking to another person to prop up the way you feel about yourself is emotionally draining on that person. When you cling that hard to someone, in the end you just push them further away. Even a best friend can't hold up your self-esteem for you. And when you're giving it all away like that, you lessen the value of what you're giving.
It doesn't matter how many other people like you. It doesn't matter how many time your friends reassure you that yes, you're really okay, and yes, we really like you. None of that will be worth anything until you belief it within yourself, for yourself.
Everyone has insecure moments. Everyone needs reassurance sometimes. Everyone gets nervous in certain situations, or has times when they feel they don't belong. And everyone makes the occasional bad choice about who to call a friend. That's human, and there's nothing abnormal about that. But if you don't have a basic core belief in your own self-worth, those moments will eat you alive.