Well, that was weird.

[kellinator]

Well, that was a weird weekend.

The funny thing is, nothing "weird" per se actually happened. In fact, it was actually a very sedate weekend. Just... it felt weird. Like, thinking too much about too much stuff that I didn't really want to think about.

Have you ever got to thinking, what's really you? The real you, not the you that acts that way because your parents told you to or people expect you to or you think people expect you to. Like, who the hell am I? Sometimes I think I have a good idea, sometimes I don't know. I usually think being compulsively nice is just a part of my personality, but what if it's just an act to get people to like me, an act I've been doing for so long that I've internalized it to the point where it's a subconscious act?

I think my brain just exploded.

Someone told me I'm the most insecure person she's ever met. I wonder if that's part of my personality too?

Comments

If you have to ask...

[weaktwos.livejournal.com]

On moments like these, I am reminded of the quote, "You are who you pretend to be."

Unfortunately, I don't remember who said it, and it could be a paraphrase.

Not to make your brain baby kick further, but I believe you are the sum of your actions. So if you want you to be different, behave differently.

[kmeghan.livejournal.com]

I worry sometimes that there really isn't a "real" me. I have to be so many things to so many people. The real me is probably 100 times more boring than the person I am at work/school etc.

[streamweaver.livejournal.com]

Well I think we're all a little bit of everything.

[stevietee.livejournal.com]

Everyone goes through those feelings, I think, at least at some point in their life.

All of our public personalities are different aspects of our true persona. Try to find the way all those aspects overlap and you'll start to see the "real" you!

[mizdandylynn.livejournal.com]

the parts of us... that are us.. are the ones that get us the payoff we want to have. Sometimes we are not as positive as we wish to be.

What does being nice do for you? What does it get you? I like nice people. It doesn't mean there is no snark, etc... it just means that generally they are pleasant, helpful and fun to be around. Is there anything wrong with people like that? Not that I can tell...

And I don't think it is insecure to question yourself and your values.. if you didn't... I would worry then.

Hang in, Kel.... I think no one knows the real "them" until they get a few years on them... I didn't learn much about me until after I was 30...

[canciona.livejournal.com]

If you're being nice without consciously telling yourself "well, I'd rather say 'fuck off', but I'll say 'thank you ever so much for your input' instead, because otherwise so-and-so might not like me"...it's a safe bet that you're really a nice person, after all. I know what you mean, but if you're being nice and not regretting or resenting it, then you're nice. Period.

And everyone with any sort of self-awareness wonders these things. If someone tells you that these thoughts mean you are insecure, chances are that said person is either a) completely lacking self-awareness and perception themselves, b) not terribly honest with themselves, or, perhaps most likely, c) trying to make you insecure.

You're not insecure, you're trying to know yourself better. That's a wonderful thing, and actually probably means you're not particularly insecure - if you were, you wouldn't consider yourself worth knowing. So wrap your brain around that one for a while. :)

My $.02, free of charge...

Re:

[10dimensions.livejournal.com]

Ah, actually I believe I said that to her, coming from someone who knows insecure because she looks at it every day in the mirror. I'm both self-aware and perceptive enough to see this, understand that it ultimately stands in the way of my happiness, and to be in therapy for it. Which, I believe, was the context of this conversation I had with Kel. She and I both struggle with internal conflict over whether or not we subconsciously make doormats out of ourselves because of our desire for positive feedback from others.

Re:

[canciona.livejournal.com]

My apologies. I misinterpreted your intent and was out of line. I am sorry, and mean no offense.

Re:

[10dimensions.livejournal.com]

No worries...I wasn't offended. I just didn't want anyone to think that Kel's friends suck that much. ;)

I've been meaning to come back and clarify...sorry it took me forever to do it!

[astrophysicat.livejournal.com]

If it's making your head explode, I'd say you're thinking about it too hard.
You are responsible for your actions, even though your environment influences how you act and think. I like to think that I am what I'm like when I'm most comfortable. And this is true to the extent that I am working on making myself more comfortable in every situation, either by changing my attitudes or my actions, or by caring less about other's opinions when necessary.

Right now, you are insecure, and you are nicer than you can afford to be. Both are in your current personality, but people do change, or can change, and if you examine why you act nice even at the expense of your own frustration, then maybe you'll figure out someway to avoid it. But it would take some digging to sort out your influences that make you act like that.

But, I'm getting away from my point. My point was, you are being way way way too hard on yourself! Relax take a step back, accept a couple flaws in yourself, at least for a little while, it won't kill you.

[maida-mac.livejournal.com]

What is it, time for everyone to think to hard? I'm in the same place.

[sassysmile.livejournal.com]

This weekend I wondered the same about myself...for different reasons...I hope we find the answer...

[10dimensions.livejournal.com]

I told you to stay out of my brain! ;)

I could've written this entry.