It's for occasions like these that I needed a "Mock the Stupid" icon.

[kellinator]

CBS has announced their Survivor All-Stars.

While I've missed the last two seasons, before that I had a well-documented Survivor obsession which I think qualifies me to do a little color commentary with the list.

• Richard Hatch, winner of the original "Survivor: Pulau Tiga," along with Rudy Boesch, Sue Hawk and Jenna Lewis.

No argument with Rich. Frankly, I think he grasped the possibilities of the game long before Mark Burnett caught up, and he was a terrific villain. Rudy and Sue were great fun to watch. But Jenna? If they wanted a cute chick from the first season, why not Colleen, a cute chick with a brain? Glad to see that creep Kelly won't be back, but where is my all-time favorite Survivor, Gretchen, a great player and a good person to boot (she's used her fame to raise money for numerous charities)? For entertainment value, they should have considered wacky Greg and Dr. Sean, possibly the stupidest Survivor contestant ever. I still want to know how he got through med school.

• Tina Wesson, winner of "Survivor: The Australian Outback," as well as her runner-up, Colby Donaldson, and Amber Brkich, Jerri Manthey and Alicia Calaway.

Tina? Cool. Colby? Cool. Alicia always seemed like a cool person, but she didn't really get to show much of her personality on the show. I can see why they'd want Jerri, one of the best/worst Survivor villains ever, back. But Amber?! What is all-star about Amber? Are they really bringing her back just to lick Jerri's boots? To whoever picked Amber: What the fuck are you smoking, and can I have some? Better choices would have been Mad Dog or the guy who fell in the fire (Michael?). And I loved Elisabeth and Rodger.

• Ethan Zohn, winner of "Survivor: Africa," plus Lex van den Berghe and Tom Buchanan.

I liked Ethan, he certainly didn't seem like the sharpest knife in the drawer but whatever. I was one of Lex's biggest fans until he turned into a megalomaniac. But Big Tom? Isn't Rudy kinda covering the politically incorrect angle? Wish they'd brought the wronged and wonderfully bitchy Kelly back instead.

• From "Survivor: Marquesas," Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien and Rob Mariano.

I don't think I even remember these two. Actually, I don't remember much of Survivor Marquesas because it sucked. But if they really wanted an interesting choice from that bunch, they should have gone with Gabriel, the guy who wanted to create a new society instead of just backstabbing. Would have made for an interesting change of pace. Plus, he was cute as hell.

• From "Survivor: Thailand," Shii Ann Huang.

Okay, here's one I actually agree with. Shii Ann was a cool person who got a bad rap because she was stuck in a tribe with a bunch of assholes who looked at her funny for not being a party animal and for eating stuff they thought was weird. You go, girl. I hope you win it all.

• Jenna Morasca, winner of "Survivor: The Amazon," and Rob Cesternino.
• Rupert Boneham, from "Survivor: Pearl Islands."

Didn't watch either of these seasons, but I heard that Rupert ruled.

What's the problem with this list? Well, in addition to the astoundingly stupid move of including personality-free, motivation-free, brain-free Amber, this list seems to break into two groups: villains and unoffensive winners that I can barely remember. Great, just what we needed: a whole island full of obnoxious people who won't do chores. Gotta love how pop culture rewards those who really don't deserve it, even in terms of a game. What about some of the more interesting contestants, like Greg or Gabriel? Too weird for prime time? How about some actually nice people, like Gretchen? Whoever picked this list dropped the ball big-time. I'd been planning to watch, but now I suspect it would just do a number on my blood pressure.

EDIT: And just in case you're wondering, yes, I am quite embarrassed that I apparently have this much brain space devoted to a TV show. I mean, that's taking away brain cells from my Homicide obsession! :P

Comments

[es.livejournal.com]

What's the chance the smart, interesting, nice people were all bright enough to turn down the show? :)

- ES

[renaissancekat.livejournal.com]

It's gonna be great! You should watch, if for no other reason than to learn about the wonder of Rupert. Rupert is my hippie Survivor husband. My real Survivor husband is, of course, Ethan. Cuz he's hot. But Rupert is forevermore awesome. Please watch so we can snark!

[ariedana.livejournal.com]

I'm also sad about Gretchen, because she was really cool and showed how to really use your brains in the game. Elisabeth they couldn't do because she now works for ABC. Jenna and Sue were chosen solely because of Sue's speech about the snake at the final tribal meeting - they want to see if they'll kill each other.

I only saw two seasons of it, so that's all I can judge, but this should be pretty interesting, because all of the contestants from the later seasons learned the game primarily from obsessing about the earlier seasons. So I'd be interested in seeing how the two interact and how they treat each other. I'd almost guarantee that Richard will be one of the first to go, because everyone has him pegged.

[fanagle.livejournal.com]

I'm excited about the all-stars. Going in, they've watched each other (minus Rupert), and have an advantage that hasn't come into play before. Sue was full of crap, but she was fun to watch. I don't remember Amber at all, which says something about her I suppose. There were some great personalities on Pearl Islands that they're not tapping into, but it might be too much overkill since they were just on.

I love the show, it's fascinating to watch how their mental abilities dwindle with their lack of food. If they're well fed, I'll just watch Ethan.

[sertrel.livejournal.com]

Somewhere in the TV universe, Detective Munch sheds a tear, as one of his most devoted fans devotes this much energy to reality television... =)

[sexychicken.livejournal.com]

Mad Dog was one of my all-time favorite Survivors. I wish they'd brought her back. And I'm lame, but I thought Colleen was both genuinely adorable and really amusing, so I'm miffed they chose Jenna instead. I know, I know, everyone loves Colleen.

[blackacre.livejournal.com]

Rupert is the man. Period.

[notgruntled.livejournal.com]

EDIT: And just in case you're wondering, yes, I am quite embarrassed that I apparently have this much brain space devoted to a TV show. I mean, that's taking away brain cells from my Homicide obsession!

I see a need. Homicide Survivor, which, aside from being a great crossover, is a pleasing oxymoron.

Pemberton comes on strong early -- too strong. The other contestants see him as a threat and vote him off in week 5 or 6.

Bayliss -- whines entirely too much. Out early.

The Baldwin, the Deliverance guy and the redhead all fall in due course.

Giardello Sr. and Jr. are an unassailable voting bloc, and both make the final four. But they fall in behind the runner-up. Meldrick, and the winner, Munch.

What about Brodie, you ask? He's the producer.

[astrophysicat.livejournal.com]

Marquesas:

Kathy was the woman who went mildly insane, but also should have won the game, deserved to after all she had been through, but screwed over by evil backstabbing "I believe in Jesus more than you do" bitches.

Rob is BOSTON ROB! the laziest, snarkiest most egotistically hilarious player on survivor, though not anywhere near as intentionally funny as Rob from the Amazon, who also should have won but didn't because he's too out of shape to win a single challenge.

And while you're right, a lot of the people they're bringing back from early seasons are nobodys, I still think it will rock, I mean, Lex is doing it, what more
can you ask for? (Though I agree, Kelly from Africa is sorely missing).