Movie snark

Dear Hollywood,

If you can't make good comic-book movies, you shouldn't make them at all.

Love,
Kelly

This unsent letter was inspired by the morning DJs reporting that the latest casting news on the potential Superman movie is... Beyonce as Lois Lane.

Uh... NO. Not just no, but HELL NO.

Don't get me wrong, folks. I liked Beyonce just fine in the last Austin Powers movie. However, Beyonce was smart enough to pick, for her movie debut, a part that called for her to look good and have attitude and not much else. But Lois Lane? All I can hear in my head is "I'm Lois Lane and I'm a whole lotta woman!!"

Whatever happened to the good ol' days when actors were actors and singers were singers? I mean, we all know how well it turned out for Mariah Carey (can you say "straight to video", boys and girls?).

And that's not even the worst part about this supposed movie.

Playing Lex Luthor, Johnny Depp. Okay, that doesn't suck. That has potential.

Some British guy playing Superman. Okay, okay, there's a grand tradition of casting Brits to play very American roles (Vivien Leigh as Scarlett O'Hara, for example). But I have a feeling even Garth Ennis would object to this. (Ennis has said Superman's the one and only superhero he'd be interested in writing, and if you've read The Pro or Superman's appearance in Hitman, you might understand why. I think Ennis, for all his near-relentless cynicism, is interested in the idea of Superman because he's purely a good guy. But I digress.)

And worst of all... McG as the director. Yeah. That McG. Music videos and Charlie's Angels.

STOP TRYING TO MAKE SUPERMAN COOL!!!! Superman ISN'T cool!! He's a Boy Scout!! It's part of his charm!! Have you people never read a comic book?!

...Oh yeah, of course they haven't. They're movie execs.