Oscar the Grouch said it best: I love trash!

[kellinator]

As most of you have no doubt noticed by now, I love The Trash. There's something in me that not only just can't look away from a metaphorical trainwreck, but presses my nose up against the glass to get a better look. And I have discovered the Unholy Grail of trash TV: Bridezillas.

It's James' fault, really. We were in Target recently when we noticed how cheap the Bridezilla DVD was and he said, probably jokingly, "You could get that to show you what not to do." I don't think he expected me to have a Monday and decide that was a good idea. I watched the first two episodes last night.

(By the way, just in case you were wondering, James has declined to join me in my mock-the-stupid glee on this one. As it stands, I have to write him the Flavor of Love Drinking Game by Sunday if I want to watch the ghettofabulousness in peace. Expect a post on that this week.)

Wow. This shit is AWESOME. I mean, it's awful, but it's awesome. I think my favorite part was the 19-year-old bride with the "potty mouth," as the announcer titters. Because everyone knows that nice girls don't swear. Actually, you know, the show is most amusing to me not so much for the crazy brides (though 19-year-old child bride was plenty crazy, don't get me wrong) but for the schoolmarm voiceovers.

And then it occurred to me:

I would totally be the best Bridezilla ever.

I mean, look at it. Reality shows tend to boil a person down to a few trainwrecky qualities -- foulmouthed, immature, spoiled. Well, here I am. I'd be the foulmouthed, lazy, fat drunk bride with the redneck family!

I can imagine it now:

Announcer: The frazzled bride, in the depths of despair, turns to drink and wild partying.
Me: Awww hell no! We do this [BLEEP] every Friday night!

Seriously, I'd totally do it to cover wedding costs. It would be fun to fuck with these people!

Comments

[leopard-print.livejournal.com]

I think you'd be perfect.

You could teach them The Shriek!

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

THE SHRIEK!! Yeah!! I'd be the scariest Bridezilla EVAR!!

And can you imagine when I start throwing a stress-induced tantrum where I demand a Samuel L. Jackson impersonator perform the wedding?

[leopard-print.livejournal.com]

I can see you now, sloshing fruity rum drinks and/or tequila all over the place as you wave wildly and scream: "Get me Samuel L. Jackson RIGHT NOW GODDAMMIT!"

[spudmanson.livejournal.com]

that's "SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON"

true story

[oletheros.livejournal.com]

fox contacted us because they wanted to film our wedding for their reality show "weirdest, wildest and freakiest weddings." they were going to pay us $5000 to follow us around and film us, so we said yes.

a week or two later, they called to tell us that they were changing the name of the show to "weirdest, wildest and tackiest weddings," at which point we declined any further participation.

Re: true story

[kellinator.livejournal.com]

Probably a very wise move on your part. I'm a whore though. I'd do it for $5000. I'd draw the line at getting married under my parents' gazebo that has an old satellite dish for a roof though.

[weaktwos.livejournal.com]

Nah. Someone would put two and two together and find your Jeopardy footage. You were so well-behaved on that show. ;-) You'd be found out!

[spudmanson.livejournal.com]

Kelly was on Jeopardy?

[beachsomewhere.livejournal.com]

DO IT!!!!!!!

[smibbo.livejournal.com]

you are not fat.

But do it. seriously.

[spudmanson.livejournal.com]

Where do I sign up?

[jesshelga.livejournal.com]

I had friends who sent in their story for Springer "in character" as a feuding love triangle. I believe in your powers to Springer just as well as they did (even though they didn't make the cut for the show).

And that's a [bleep]ing fact.

[teague.livejournal.com]

If you did it, you'd totally have to round out the show by dumping punch on your Mom after a screaming match. Totally.

[nos4a2no9.livejournal.com]

This is the best idea ever. I'd sign up for it too - you can't get enough drunk, trashy redneck brides.

[missrachael.livejournal.com]

My friend's cousin produces that show. He wanted them to go on as "the gay bridezillas," but they wouldn't.

[the-missy.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah -- we just started watching Bridezillas a couple of months ago, and it's already appointment viewing. I love it when the announcer does that whole not-quite-rhyming, "She's about to turn from mild to wild ... from a nice girl into a foul-mouthed, gone-southed, totally out there ... BRIIIIIIDE-ZILLA!"

[alison-says.livejournal.com]

Hah!! That would be most awesome. They would even have a nice segment about your dip into and recovery from illegal drugs :P