kellinator | This is either the brightest thought I've had in a while or reallllllly fucking stupid.

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This is either the brightest thought I've had in a while or reallllllly fucking stupid.

I've been thinking a lot lately about all the misery I see around me, all the unhappiness that I'm powerless to fix, the shit that seems to just keep coming for so many who don't deserve it.

But I've started to wonder: Do some of us create misery for ourselves because it's familiar, it's safe? I'm starting to think that some of us, either consciously or subconsciously, manage to keep ourselves in the situations that make us so desperately unhappy. We think about how we want to change things, but we don't.

Now I'm not saying I agree with Hamlet that "there's nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so." Honestly, if you just lost your job and broke up with your SO and your dog died and you're not depressed, dude, I think I'll hide under my desk, because if that doesn't depress you, either you're Superman or you're completely denying your emotions. But sometimes we don't move as quickly to change things as we should, because we're used to it. It's really sad, because then it becomes a self-perpetuating cycle until you don't know how to break out of the misery anymore.

Not that I really have any useful advice on how to break out of the misery. What worked for me might not work for anyone else, especially those with much bigger problems than I have. I'm just observing here.

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I think that's a very astute observation. Sometimes, it's easier on us to just remain in the place where we are, rather than getting up off our asses to actually DO something about it, because doing something would require effort and courage--and often, a good hard look at yourself and the way you're living.

And I know I've been frustrated endlessly by people who wail and moan that they can't keep living the way they are, their life sucks, whatever...but they refuse to take a look at things, or change anything. I know it's scary, but at the same time, dude, at what point does enough become enough?

Actually, I can't help but agree with you.

This same idea (i.e. people make their own misery) occurred to me a few years ago when I was working in a larger office setting. It seemed like everyone else would come into work everyday with a brand new bit of personal misery to share. Yes, some of it was real and tragic but a good deal of it was...well...it wouldn't have been anything had they not embraced it and turned it into an excuse for a pity-party.

I blame gossip.

Sure, I'll participate in office chit-chat but what I REALLY want to talk about is politics, social problems, the weather, what was on TV the night before, etc... I'm not interested in hearing about the personal woes/sex lives/tragedies of those with whom I have to share office space.

Bottom line, I think you're right that there ARE people who prefer the misery niche, but I won't say that they inflate their personal misery merely because they're unwilling to escape a comfort zone. Rather, I believe a great many of them have martyr complexes that require regular feeding.

Yes, I know people like that, or who appear to be. They will say every reason in the world why they can't make a change, and in some cases it's legit, because either it is impossible or they perceive it to be. But sometimes, yeah, people are martyrs.

I think you are right... Humans fear change, bad or good.

Humans don't fear change. They fear the unknown.

Change that you can predict and know the effects of is not nearly as frightening.

You're right... it is rooted in the fear of the unknown.

Many people just enjoy being comfortable - it doesn't matter to them/us that comfort has come to mean a constant level of dull pain or numbness. When someone dares to suggest that there may be something outside that zone, you are right: they/we may act or react to fear of the unknown. Sometimes the world can seem so unpredictable and chaotic that self-created comfort zones are the only stability people may have. I'm not sure that we should be telling people it is wrong to want some sense of stability - somewhere - in a chaotic confusing world. That said, learning to embrace/accept change gracefully has been a lesson I have been consciously working on for about a year now...

My dear, I do believe that is the most profound idea I have heard in some time...kudos. love, ro

"There are people who have an appetite for grief; pleasure is not strong enough and they crave pain. They have mithridatic stomachs which must be fed on poisoned bread, natures so doomed that not posperity can sooth their ragged and dishevelled desolation."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

I think that's very true. Some of the reading I've been doing about depression lately talks about how there is a chemical aspect to it, but there is also a sort of negative loop that people who are depressed get into -- we get into these patterns of thinking that are really detrimental to recovering from depression, but it's much easier to continue in these patterns than it is to break out of them. Especially since when one is depressed, it's hard to see one's way out of any situation. It's one of the reasons why antidepressants by themselves rarely work as well as antidepressants combined with therapy.

Yeah, what she said. No, seriously, I was going to use this example of why people tend to stay depressed--it's familiar and therefore comforting.

Of course, either with or without depression, it's not easy to make those changes. A lot of times it takes concious though. It's kind of like reprogramming yourself.

Bingoooooooooooo. We have a winner!

Totally spot-on.

It's inertia -- it takes more effort to get moving or stop moving than to stay still or stay in motion.

Oh, and I got out of my morning misery. The wet shirt is removed, and my cardigan, now zipping, is acting as torso-cover. ;P

See, resisting inertia! :D

I always found it hard to make changes, and still do. I do my best by changing what I can change, making small steps, and re-examining what I feel can't be changed, or deciding what is important enough to change, or if there's an alternate solution.

for instance, my weight. I am overweight by anyone's standard--240 pounds at 5'9", though I look about 160-170, still big. My choices are:

Bitch about it.
Lose the weight.
Accept myself as I am, and look for others who do as well.

But I've started to wonder: Do some of us create misery for ourselves because it's familiar, it's safe? I'm starting to think that some of us, either consciously or subconsciously, manage to keep ourselves in the situations that make us so desperately unhappy. We think about how we want to change things, but we don't.

Okay, Snarky Carrie Bradshaw ("I couldn't help but wonder..."), what an excellent post!

In my oh so humble opinion, you are absolutely correct with what you said in that paragraph. People do make themselves miserable because it's familiar and comfortable. One of the things from my Tony Robbins weekend that really stuck with me was this idea: People will do more to avoid pain than to seek pleasure. And I've found it to be true. Sometimes being in a miserable life is easier than risking being happy.

That being said, I was thrilled that you ended that last sentence with "we don't" instead of "we can't" because so many people convince themselves that change isn't possible. It is. Anything is possible if you believe in it strongly enough.

--This inspirational post has been brought to you by the letter 'A'.

You are OH so right, doll. I've spent most of my life wallowing in my depression and life dramas. I know that a certain amount of that is necessary, but I used to be horrible about it. I still don't know what turned the switch to make me concentrate on the good and what I CAN do, but it still fails occasionally. :-/

I had posted a long response to it, but I looked back at it and realized that it was complete shit. So I'll just say that I agree, I've seen it before and done it before, and hopefully I've learned a lesson in not doing it anymore. I think most of it is inspired by self-hatred, and that's a tough place to get out of.

I know I seek conflict. It's how I'm wired. I see it as a method for personal and professional growth; I honestly don't distinguish between the two.

I left everything I knew to go to San Francisco to take my old job because it was the biggest and coolest challenge available to me. I left my old job because I had run out of things that honestly challenged me in more than a day-to-day way. I came to lawschool to engage in the conflict of a competititve education. I want to be a litigator because the whole point of it is conflict.

I know that this trait is both my greatest strenght and greatest weakness. It's the source of all of the suffering I'm doing right now. It's worth it.

I guess that coming to grips with the fact that I seek out conflict professionally is the first step to finding happyness and conflict in the same life.

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*blush* Thank you!

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