kellinator: (Steve Nash by __lovenhate)
Dear Steve Nash,

Wow. I am so sorry I doubted you, Steve My Man. At some point during the regular season I looked at you looking pissed on the TV and promptly told James, "The Suns are going to win it all this year, because Steve Nash is PISSED." I'm sorry I forgot about that for a while this week. What you did Monday night was freakin' spectacular. And even though that asshat David Stern has screwed the Suns, I know you're going to find a way to pull it out tonight. Go Suns!

Love love love,
Your Number-One Crazy Obsessed Fan

PS -- I never thought I'd see you go after another player, but when you tried to take Robert Horry's head off? Totally hot.

Dear Robert Horry,

Wow, what a shame. You had like the best current nickname in the NBA -- Big Shot Bob -- and you had to go and change it to Cheap Shot Bob, which let me tell you doesn't sound nearly as cool. Plus, you tried to turn Steve Nash into Canadian bacon. Therefore, in addition to being a thug on general principle, you're a thug who tried to kill my basketball boyfriend, which means I double don't like you. Pbbbbthp. 

No love,
A Basketball Fan (and Somewhat Rabid Fangirl)

Dear San Antonio Spurs,

Wow. I've given you the benefit of a doubt for a long time because you used to be pretty classy, but now I'm with Amare. Dirty!

Go take a bath or something,
Not Amused

Dear David Stern,

Wow. You used to be the official Best Commissioner In Sports, but I'm starting to think you just got lucky hanging on to Bird, Magic, and Jordan's coattails. You've been getting increasingly erratic and draconian over the past few years, and now you've allowed the Spurs to play you, or is it pay you? And what do you have against the Suns anyway? All they ever did to you was make basketball interesting again and make your ratings go up. Are you actually trying to kill the NBA? Because I remember who watched the last Spurs-Pistons finals: NO ONE. I POOP ON YOU.

If I had a cock, I'd tell you to suck it,
Pissed, and Not Just Because I Like the Suns

Dear Eastern Conference,

Wow. You are boring. Like, watching the paint dry boring. I guess you guys must be in a hurry to get the games over with so you can go home and watch the real playoffs. 

Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn,
An Irritated East-Coaster

Dear Kobe,

Wow. You have nothing to do with the playoffs at this point, but I just wanted to let you know I still hate you.

No love,
Laker-Hater and Proud of It
kellinator: (gaming)
Dear Guy at the Venture Brothers Panel Who Would Not Shut Up with His Mediocre Observations that He Thought Were Brilliant,

You know that part in the Venture Brothers panel where you started ranting about "that character was an orphan, because in one of the later episodes of Captain Planet he told the story about how his parents died"? I can't decide whether it's worse that you knew that, or that you spouted it in a Venture Brothers panel. Anyway, just for that, you deserve to never ever get laid again. Actually, I'm not so sure about the "again," as it would imply you'd gotten laid before.

STFU, n00b,
Kelly

Dear Amateur "Musician",

See the crowd of people listening to the professional musicians? They paid a lot of money to come here and hear these musicians. Which is why they are called professional musicians. They did not pay a lot of money to come here and hear you. But if you don't stop banging on your damn drum while I'm trying to listen to the Brobdingnagian Bards, I'm going to give some kid five bucks to steal your drum. If the Bards wanted you to perform with them, they would invite you up on stage. They haven't, so try and remember the manners your mama gave you and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

STFU, n00b,
Kelly

Dear Chick on the Escalator Wearing the "These Are Not the Breasts You're Looking For, Move Along" T-shirt,

I'm sorry, but in case you haven't noticed, you're flat as a board. You don't get to wear that shirt. Pass it over here and let me show you how it's done.

STFU, n00b,
Kelly

Dear Hilton Family,

What the hell is up with those notes in the bathroom asking me if I really need a clean towel every day? At these prices, you bet I do. Stop trying to make me feel guilty, I'm not the one responsible for Paris.

STFU, rich n00bs,
Kelly

Dear Hyatt,

I know you love us more than the other hotels because you get us a crossing guard.

Love,
Kelly

Dear James,

I'm sorry I didn't actually manage to wear the fairy costume. But look on the bright side -- Halloween's next month!

Love,
Kelly

Dear Dragon*Con,

You make me poor, sick, and inebriated. How I love you.

Love,
Kelly

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