kellinator: (Steve Nash by __lovenhate)
I know what you're thinking: She's liveblogging the draft? Is she on crack? There's no actual basketball involved! True, but if you're a devotee of Spoiled Millionaires Theater, there's hardly a better show than the NBA draft. All the teams, making stupid decisions, at the same time. If you like schadenfreude, it's a smorgasboard. 

BTW, the predraft show is so not worth watching, but it totally would be if Stephen A. Smith would respond to Dick Vitale's criticism of Stephen A.'s statement that this draft is not as deep as the 2003 draft by saying "that crazy old white man, he's on crack."

7:33 PM: Man, it's awesome seeing David Stern look all uncomfortable when the crowd boos. I'd make up a draft drinking game at this point, except 1). there's probably already one and 2). if I played it I'd probably be too shitfaced to post by the time they got to the sixth pick.

7:36: You know, I like Greg Oden, I really do. He seems like a very nice young man (even if he looks like a nice old man. Dag, yo). And I like his suit, too. Portland better trade Zack Randolph before he can be a bad influence.

7:37: This is just to remind you that the main reason anyone watches the draft (next to the schadenfreude) is the suits. So far this draft class seems to be going with classy and sedate, except for Joakim Noah. Trust me, Joakim, you're a big deal. You don't have to wear seersucker to get attention. 

7:39: Awww, Greg Oden has a cold and is trying not to give it to David Stern. Isn't that sweet? If I were there and I had a cold, I'd be hacking all over him. And muttering "this is for my boys in Phoenix, jackass."

7:41: Ray Allen to Boston? I guess they really do want to make Paul Pierce happy. 

7:42: Kevin Durant at two, duh. Focusing on the suits alone, I gotta give the edge to Oden. Now that's a number-one-pick suit.

7:44: Man, I wish I had TiVo so I could fast-forward through Jay Bilas. Duke-boy, you're a wanker.

7:48: And the Hawks draft... another forward! See, this is why when a co-worker asked if I thought the Hawks could pull it off tonight, I said "hell no."

7:53: I know I already said it, but I'll say it again: Jay Bilas is an idiot.

7:56: At least Boston is trading their pick, which is good because that means they can't fuck it up. 

7:58: Stephen A. is making fun of Boston. Gotta love him.

8:02: Awww, after four championships, Timmy Duncan gets his own "it takes five" commercial. How cute. See, the problem with Kevin Garnett's commercial was every time KG said "it takes five," I yelled, "yeah, and your team won't get them for you!" at the screen.

8:04: And the Milwaukee Bucks take the chance on provoking the international incident by drafting Yi Jianlian. I must say, he's much hotter and more stylist than I expected, even if I am irritated with his whole get-to-pick-my-own-team attitude. Oh lord, one of the commentators just said "Yao is old school, Yi is new school. Yi is 50 Cent." I may have to punch my TV.

8:09: Stephen A. is now implying that Del Harris is out to screw his own kid. Wow, I'm glad he's here, because everyone else is BOR-ING.

8:10: How sad is it that in the past three years, the Grizzlies have made the playoffs more than the Timberwolves? 

8:11: Okay, I think I have to like Corey Brewer now. He's from a farm in Tennessee. Wow, other than him being an athletic black soon-to-be-multimillionaire, and me being a fat clumsy broke pasty white girl, it's just like we're twins!

8:17: You know, someone really should have noticed by now that Michael Jordan really sucks at the front office. Two words: Kwame Brown. 

8:18: See? Yet another North Carolina link. Jordan may have been a genius with the basketball, but he isn't very original when it comes to the front office.

8:22: Now the crowd is mocking Isiah. I love this game.

8:24: James asked me for a prediction on this pick and I said "Maybe Noah." I'm SO glad I was right, because now hopefully they won't feel the need to show his ugly-ass seersucker suit every three minutes. And I like Noah. I really do. But that suit... I think he might be trying to be ironic, but whatever he's doing, it isn't good.

8:28: Joakim uses Bumble and Bumble in his hair? That might be worse than Mark Miller's headband. I do not want NBA players to have better-styled hair than I do. Not that this is saying much.

8:32: Should we take bets on how long until Ron Artest gets medieval on Spencer Hawes' ass? And the lottery has its Token White Guy.

8:33: Stuart Scott to Spencer Hawes: "What do you say when you hear Jay Bilas say you're not a good athlete?" Me, speaking for Spencer Hawes: "Jay Bilas is a douche."

8:34: Oh yeah, Spencer Hawes is the guy who wants to tell everyone how much he loves George W. Bush. I think I might send Ron Artest twenty bucks to kick his ass. 

8:39: I must be hallucinating. I thought I heard them say the Hawks didn't draft another forward.

8:53: Am I the only one who thinks it's ridiculous to say that a college senior has done all the growing he's going to and that's why you draft four-year-olds, for their "upside"? That's ridonkulous. 

8:59: I cannot believe Stephen A. just said that Mike Dunleavy is going to get control of the Clippers this year. He lost it more than a year ago. Even Elton Brand was ignoring him. 

9:00: Stuart Scott to Al Thornton: "The high picks are 19. You're 24. How is your age going to affect you in the locker room?" Me as Al Thornton: "I can drink and they can't." James as Al Thornton: "Those guys will pay me to get them alcohol." I don't have the heart to tell him that those guys won't have any problem getting their own alcohol.

9:02: You know what's REALLY ridonkulous? The fact that it's taken an hour and a half to get halfway through the first round.

9:03: I am totally amused that Henry Abbott from TrueHoop is now referring to David Lee (former Gator, current Knick, rebounds a lot, is the rare white guy who doesn't suck) as "the Gatorfather."

9:06: I don't think I've ever heard of Rodney Stuckey, but I like his suit. 

9:08: Stuckey wears #3 because Dwayne Wade is his idol. I feel REALLY old.

9:12: I'm really happy for Nick Young, but I wish his mic had been working.

9:14: OH NO HE DI'INT. Isiah just traded for Zach Randolph. Now the Knicks have yet another trainwreck with a big contract on their hands and the Knick fans are CHEERING? They must have all started smoking crack to deal with the nightmare that is Isiah. 

9:23: I have to give props to any player who goes to the effort of coming to the draft on his own. Plus, Marco Belinelli is hawt.

9:25: Lakers on the clock! Man, I hope something ridiculous happens. 

9:30: Oh my gosh, Stephen A. just came thisclose to telling Dickie V he's on crack.

9:32: Oh pleasepleaseplease don't make my man Derrick Byars go to New York. He's a good guy, he doesn't deserve this.

9:37: "We acknowledge that we have had a meeting..." Man, Mitch Kupchak really sucks.

9:40: Stephen A. just said Mitch Kupchak looked like he was about to cry and then he totally dogged on the Buss family. Have I mentioned that I love Stephen A.?

9:45: Am I the only one who's wondering why everyone's carrying on about Sean Williams being such a risk when the NBA's love affair with weed is so well-documented?

9:48: I've now officially started screaming at the TV about WHY WON'T YOU FUCKERS DRAFT DERRICK BYARS. Vandy gets no respect. Also, I'm having trouble explaining to James why I don't want Derrick to go to the Knicks. I would have thought he would have figured that out by now.

9:49: On the other hand, if Derrick sticks around long enough, the Suns might draft him, and that would RULE.

9:50: Spike Lee is right: Isiah does know how to draft. Unfortunately for the Knicks, that's the ONLY thing he knows how to do. 

9:52: Oh thank God. The Knicks didn't draft Derrick.

9:53: James: "Why were the fans booing the commissioner?" Me: "I don't know. There are so many good reasons."

9:54: I'm now trying to explain to James that just because I don't know what "second jumpability" is doesn't mean I'm uninformed. It means Jay Bilas is making shit up.

10:20: Well, now at least Derrick Byars is sitting on top of the "Best Available" board.

10:25: OMG. Derrick Byars is the best player left... and Phoenix is on the clock. COME ON, STEVE KERR!!! DO THE RIGHT THING!!!

10:30: FUCK. Steve Kerr... you're on notice! 

10:37: Okay... the first round is over and it's now official: Everyone hates Vanderbilt. Teams would rather draft Finnish guys no one's ever heard of than the Southeastern Conference Player of the Year. That's the Player of the Year picked OVER those guys from Florida who went in the top ten. I hate everyone. Oh well. At least Derrick has a real degree from Vanderbilt to fall back on.

11:17: Jay Bilas just FINALLY mentioned he's surprised Derrick hasn't been drafted yet. 

11:18: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! Portland just drafted Derrick Byars... and ESPN immediately pushed him aside to talk about the Jason Richardson trade. Fuckers. That said, I think this is a WONDERFUL outcome for Derrick, aside from the loss of guaranteed money that the first round would have brought. He can hang out with Greg Oden...

11:20: Oh, FUCK THAT. Derrick's getting traded to the Sucktastic Sixers for one of those foreign guys no one's ever heard of AND cash. Talk about adding insult to injury. I quit. I'm going to go look for more alcohol. Motherfuckers.
kellinator: (Steve Nash by __lovenhate)
Just because the season is over, doesn't mean I'm going to shut up about the NBA (or that you're going to comment on it).

First of all, I was completely amused by the trade suggestions from various sports columnists that the Lakers should trade Kobe to the Suns, because last year a co-worker asked me what did I think it would be like if Kobe and Steve Nash were on the same team, and I concocted the following scenario, which is funnier if you hold up your hands and flap them like they're sock puppets, and funnier still if you grab some yarn and tape a moptop to the hand you've designated as Nash:

Nash: Hey Kobe, I've organized a team dinner tonight after the game. Wanna come?
Kobe: Black Mamba doesn't do team dinners! *flounces off*

Just try it. Make your hand flounce. It's fun.

And then for added fun, take the moptop off your Nash hand and designate it as Raja Bell. Then proceed to beat the hell out of Kobe. (As much as I hate Kobe, I would love to see him teammates with Bell so Raja could clothesline his ass on a regular basis.)

But I for one am much more interested in the proposed trades to bring Kevin Garnett to Phoenix (he and Steve are buddies, apparently). And honestly, I think I like the idea of parting with Amare Stoudemire better than losing Shawn Marion. Is Amare more of a talent? Undoubtedly. But he's also an egomaniac who's apparently been bad for team chemistry and skipped the last team meeting of the season. I've always had a sinking feeling that Amare could at some point go Ron Artest levels of crazy, and what I'm seeing from him (including a bizarre interview where he said he'd rather have Kobe than Nash and Nash gets too much attention, leading one member of the Suns to comment "What do you expect from a guy who chooses a jersey number of one?"), isn't inspiring me to revise that opinion.

Nash. Garnett. It would be the feel-good story of the year. At least until David Stern goes off his meds again.
kellinator: (Steve Nash by __lovenhate)
There are 10.6 seconds left to go in Game 3 of the NBA finals, and San Antonio is leading Cleveland by a possession, 73-70. And I just realized to my utter shock that I really don't give a damn. Like, it's not even a case of not caring who wins. It's just that the game is so ugly and so messy and so bland that I really just can't bring myself to pay any attention even though usually I love these tense moments at the end of games.

OMG these announcers SUCK. The crowd just started screaming as one "LET'S GO CAVS" and do they stop telling their boring stories/making their inane comments so we can vicariously enjoy the crowd and the atmosphere and the sheer joy of being a fan? Nooooooo. Then they wouldn't get as much face time.

Maybe I just can't really enjoy playoff basketball in the end because of the style of play. That "defense wins championships" cliche -- I'm starting to wonder if it's really just code for "you can't survive the long playoffs unless you 1). have a significant goon factor and 2). are so afraid of losing that you play cheap basketball, like the game in the '40s where one team was so desperate they just held the ball as long as they could and that was why the shot clock had to be initiated because the game was so bad people were reading the newspaper during the game." I mean, if I wanted to see people beat the hell out of each other, I'd watch boxing, which at least has footwork.

It just drives me nuts because I believe basketball is so beautiful to watch when it's graceful, and I hate to see it when it's ugly. I want to watch a game where both teams know what they're doing, instead of just trying to fake each other out with sloppy play.

Maybe what bothers me about the Spurs is that they are so coolly businesslike, that it just doesn't seem like a team to me. I like my romanticized childlike version of sports. Dynasties used to be cool, like the Celtics and the Bulls! I'm so sick of hearing about the San Antonio dynasty because it's BORING!

*watches last six seconds* Holy shit. This is just a mess. Who takes any joy in watching this? Sloppy basketball, bad officiating, game ending on a disputed call -- WTF?!

I think I'm on to why David Stern makes his wacko proclamations on high. When he announced the dress code and got all the media attention in October, of all times, he got the taste for it and decided if he made decisions that were good for the league, he would just fade into the background, while if he made ones that made people question his sanity, well then people would always be talking about him. I'm on to you, David Stern. You're an attention whore. Man, I hope nobody tells you about LiveJournal.

Oh wow!!

May. 30th, 2007 04:04 pm
kellinator: (Steve Nash by __lovenhate)
Pacino moment!! "Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in!"

That damn NBA. I've actually done a fairly good job of keeping my pledge to not watch the rest of these tainted playoffs, when my favorite punching bag comes to the rescue with a metric fuckton of the wanktastic drama that makes it Spoiled Millionaires Theater!

Kobe Bryant throws hissy fit, demands trade

Oh, how sweet it is... Karma train, choo choo choo choo! Wow! Kobe must really hate not hearing his name on SportsCenter during the playoffs! I guess he doesn't want to be The Man that bad after all! 

While I don't doubt that Jerry Buss didn't want to pay Shaq, Kobe's been caught not telling the truth too many times for me to put much stock in what he says. And not only is he demanding a trade, he wants to pick the team too! Is that your entitlement complex in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Man, I couldn't write it this entertaining. Kobe doesn't want to sleep in the bed he's made. Oh BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA.
kellinator: (Steve Nash by __lovenhate)
Because I need a little distraction, I'm going to try a little experiment tonight: Liveblogging the Suns/Lakers game.

Oh yeah, and I'm going to be drinking while I do it. I thought about taking a swig every time Kobe takes a shot, but I don't really want to give myself alcohol poisoning.

10:47 PM: One of the announcers just said this game was about the Lakers' "competitive spirit and energy." It should be a short game then.

10:48: James on Kobe's foul: "That's not a good way to start the game." Also, he looked up from his video game long enough to announce the Suns' uniforms are ugly.

 10:50:  Suns lead 11-0. What were they saying about competitive spirit and energy?

10:52: "Kobe cannot worry about the psyche of his teammates." Hey, why would he start now?

10:56: Missed the past four minutes because I misplaced my drink, stood up to look for it, and accidentally kicked it over. And I was still sober when I did this. Maybe this whole thing wasn't the best idea I've ever had.

11:05: Steve is so cute when he chews on his lip like that. Man, why did I think this would be a good game for my first liveblog? It's just going to turn out like Game 2 did and by halftime I'll have nothing to write about besides how many ways can I say "Kobe suuuuucks."

11:09: Never mind me. What will the announcers be talking about by midnight?

11:11: AIR-BALL!! AIR-BALL!!

11:14: "The Suns have now won seven consecutive quarters." I think TNT has a supercomputer dedicated to spitting out meaningless basketball stats.

11:18: Now the announcers are going on about how Kobe must be getting frustrated. Hey, he was the one who wanted to be The Man.

11:20: James: "What's wrong?" Me: "I can't think of anything interesting to write."

11:22: "The Lakers are trying to stay in this series." Not very hard.

11:23: "The Lakers have never been swept in the first round." James: "Well, they're about to be."

11:26: The only way I could give a shit about Jack Nicholson's birthday cake is if Duff from Ace of Cakes made it. Duff = TEH SEX.

11:27: They just said Phil Jackson was reminding Kobe that "great players make their teammates better." I truly think Phil is trying to give Kobe a nervous breakdown.

11:32: Katie objects to my liveblogging because she's trying to sleep on the mousepad.

11:36: James wants to use the computer and my liveblogging is pretty damn lame and nobody else on my flist care about the NBA anyway, so I hereby declare this liveblogging a failure. If anyone needs me, I'll be getting my drink on.
kellinator: (Steve Nash by __lovenhate)
I have been totally neglecting my personal favorite brand of Spoiled Millionaires Theatre -- the NBA. This is a real shame because this season has been fan-tastic, dramatastic, and wanktastic, sometimes all at the same time. And while probably only about five of you are interested in my NBA posts, I love writing them for my own amusement. It lets me pretend to be an expert on something:

Halftime of the Suns-Cavs game. Suns lead by two.
Me: See, right now the Cavs are running with Phoenix, but they're just not used to running that much, so they'll get tired and Phoenix will pull away towards the end of the third quarter.
James: Isn't that what always happens?
Me: Shut up! I'm being an expert!
Incidentally, my prediction was correct.

So I was just watching the Suns-Spurs game and reading Sports Illustrated's postseason suggestions for various Eastern Conference teams unlikely to make the playoffs. Each team had a little list explaining what the team needed, like so:

What they need: Perimeter shooting, youth, lobotomy

Yes. Lobotomy. That's actually what the article said. Mocking the Knicks is practically a SportsCenter requirement. And that's when it all hit me.

This is all on purpose.

At some point a couple of years ago, Knicks owner James Dolan realized that the Knicks were just not really doing that well in multiple senses. They were on the decline, maybe making the #8 seed to get swept in the first round. They still had the blue-collar, defense-heavy, boring-as-hell-to-watch image. And worst of all, nobody talked about them.

That's when he hired Isiah Thomas.

And ever since, the Knicks have been constantly in the news. Sure, they're known as the Titan-Knicks and the NBA's laughingstock, but there's no such thing as bad publicity! And Forbes just named the Knicks the most valuable franchise in all of sports, so it must be working!

And really, is it conceivable that one guy could continue to do the same ridiculous stuff -- trading for drama-prone players with huge contracts, overloading at one position, drafting Renaldo Balkman -- over and over again and not only get to keep his job, but get even more responsibility in the form of coach? And upon becoming coach, would add new habits like threatening to break opposing players' bones? His boss is a guy who must have some small sense of business acumen in order to afford to own the Knicks. Really, how stupid could James Dolan be?

But he's not stupid. He's crazy like a fox.

New York wasn't going anywhere interesting as far as basketball, so why not embrace the high-camp performance part of it? They've got the dysfunction of the Lakers and the haplessness of the Hawks. They're the Schadenfreude Special.

And really, the Knicks are providing the storylines Sportscenter is hoping for. After twenty years of Larry Brown's shenanigans, who didn't get a kick out of it finally blowing up in his face? And fights! They're supplying not just fights, but coach-initiated fights! Isiah's feuding with everyone in the league! He had to be held back from the Spurs' bench! And he's not getting fired! Dolan and Isiah are playing the system! This is staged like some VH1 Celebreality!

And hell, it's even working from a business sense! If I were in New York with free time and money to burn, I might consider going to a Knicks game just to have an excuse to sit there and boo Isiah for three hours!

...You know, if I can figure this out, anyone should be able to. Why hasn't David "Because I'm the Commissioner, That's Why" Stern fined somebody yet?


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