kellinator: (Steve Nash by __lovenhate)
Okay, so it's actually Strongbow cider. But beer sounds cooler and you know it.

So this is the night when the NBA drafts its rookies, and I drink and yell at the tv a lot. I don't really know how the picks are going to shake out, but I will make a few guarantees for draft night: Jay Bilas will say dumb shit. Dick Vitale will say really dumb shit. Stephen A. Smith will say dumb shit, but I will forgive him because he makes me laugh and because there's always the chance he might look at Dickie V and say "that crazy old white man, he's on crack."

Booing David Stern! Something that all NBA fans can agree on!

Blahblahblah bullshit blahblahblah my global empire blahblahblah I swear the games aren't fixed. Shut up, Stern.

If the crowd is going to yell funny shit, they could at least bother to enunciate so I can hear it.

I really do not get why everyone's having such a fit over Derrick Rose. He's a point guard. And I love to watch point guards, but let's be honest, and this is coming from the world's biggest Steve Nash fangirl here, point guards don't win championships. At least not these days. Iverson, Kidd, Nashie-poo honey-buns... You know what they have in common? No championships. You know who does have a championship? Rajon Rondo. Not to diss Rondo, I think he's terrific, but that wasn't exactly a point guard-led team, you know?

Oh good, Michael Beasley went second. Pat Riley does still have brain cells. Good to know.

John Paxson: yet another former NBA player who doesn't actually know shit about running a team, despite being white. And before you give me shit about being racist, I'd like to point out it's not my fault every team assumes white guys know what they're doing in the front office. I give you Kevin McHale, Larry Bird, and I guess I can't say Danny Ainge anymore, so I'll say Kevin McHale again, because he deserves it for the mess he's made in Minnesota. And that's just former Celtics of the '80s.

Though I've got plenty of concerns about OJ Mayo, he has given us the first good suit of this draft. Why is his mom wearing a prom dress? When Tim Floyd says he didn't know about the NCAA violations, he's full of shit. OJ's rep walked in his office and said "OJ wants to play here for a year so he can start marketing himself." That's what we call a red flag. Though to be fair, I'd probably have an ego the size of Manhattan if I'd been in Sports Illustrated since I was a preteen.

James just pointed out that I don't follow college basketball enough to know who these guys are, so why am I interested? Because it's an excuse to drink and yell at the tv. And I will go on the record as saying I may just be a drunk fan, but I could still do better than half the GMs in the league. Well, not really. But I still think I could do better than Kevin McHale.

James: "Why does nobody care about Memphis?"
Me: "Because they SUCK and don't want to win and traded Pau Gasol for spare change."
James: "Did they really?"
Me: "No, Kwame Brown. Same thing really."

I wonder if there has ever been a Knicks pick the MSG crowd hasn't booed... I miss the "Fire Isiah" chants though. As bad as Isiah sucked, I hated to see him go. He was the best soap opera going.

The Rooster?! Congratulations Daniel "Boobie" Gibson, you no longer have the worst nickname in the NBA.

I only just now found out about the Yi-Simmons-Jefferson trade. Either ESPN sucks or I'm not paying attention.

Gee Brook Lopez, how does it feel to go from projected third pick to actual tenth?

Blah blah blah. I must be losing interest because I learned a lesson last year and am not expecting a Vandy player to get drafted just because he was SEC Player of the Year. More beer!

Phoenix fans, what do we end up getting in the Joe Johnson trade? The twin brother of the guy who fell from third to tenth. If I weren't drinking already, I'd start now. TRADE NASH!!!

I predict Portland just got the steal of the draft with Darrell Arthur.
kellinator: (Steve Nash by __lovenhate)
I don't know which disturbs me more: the fact that I can recite those damn Barkley D-Wade T-Mobile commercials, or the fact that I really enjoy doing so.

Some of you oughta comment on this one. You may not follow the NBA but I know you've seen those commercials. Gimme dem socks!
kellinator: (Steve Nash by __lovenhate)
I am such a fangirl. This morning I seriously considered sending a get-well-soon card to Steve Nash.
kellinator: (Steve Nash by __lovenhate)
I have been totally neglecting my personal favorite brand of Spoiled Millionaires Theatre -- the NBA. This is a real shame because this season has been fan-tastic, dramatastic, and wanktastic, sometimes all at the same time. And while probably only about five of you are interested in my NBA posts, I love writing them for my own amusement. It lets me pretend to be an expert on something:

Halftime of the Suns-Cavs game. Suns lead by two.
Me: See, right now the Cavs are running with Phoenix, but they're just not used to running that much, so they'll get tired and Phoenix will pull away towards the end of the third quarter.
James: Isn't that what always happens?
Me: Shut up! I'm being an expert!
Incidentally, my prediction was correct.

So I was just watching the Suns-Spurs game and reading Sports Illustrated's postseason suggestions for various Eastern Conference teams unlikely to make the playoffs. Each team had a little list explaining what the team needed, like so:

What they need: Perimeter shooting, youth, lobotomy

Yes. Lobotomy. That's actually what the article said. Mocking the Knicks is practically a SportsCenter requirement. And that's when it all hit me.

This is all on purpose.

At some point a couple of years ago, Knicks owner James Dolan realized that the Knicks were just not really doing that well in multiple senses. They were on the decline, maybe making the #8 seed to get swept in the first round. They still had the blue-collar, defense-heavy, boring-as-hell-to-watch image. And worst of all, nobody talked about them.

That's when he hired Isiah Thomas.

And ever since, the Knicks have been constantly in the news. Sure, they're known as the Titan-Knicks and the NBA's laughingstock, but there's no such thing as bad publicity! And Forbes just named the Knicks the most valuable franchise in all of sports, so it must be working!

And really, is it conceivable that one guy could continue to do the same ridiculous stuff -- trading for drama-prone players with huge contracts, overloading at one position, drafting Renaldo Balkman -- over and over again and not only get to keep his job, but get even more responsibility in the form of coach? And upon becoming coach, would add new habits like threatening to break opposing players' bones? His boss is a guy who must have some small sense of business acumen in order to afford to own the Knicks. Really, how stupid could James Dolan be?

But he's not stupid. He's crazy like a fox.

New York wasn't going anywhere interesting as far as basketball, so why not embrace the high-camp performance part of it? They've got the dysfunction of the Lakers and the haplessness of the Hawks. They're the Schadenfreude Special.

And really, the Knicks are providing the storylines Sportscenter is hoping for. After twenty years of Larry Brown's shenanigans, who didn't get a kick out of it finally blowing up in his face? And fights! They're supplying not just fights, but coach-initiated fights! Isiah's feuding with everyone in the league! He had to be held back from the Spurs' bench! And he's not getting fired! Dolan and Isiah are playing the system! This is staged like some VH1 Celebreality!

And hell, it's even working from a business sense! If I were in New York with free time and money to burn, I might consider going to a Knicks game just to have an excuse to sit there and boo Isiah for three hours!

...You know, if I can figure this out, anyone should be able to. Why hasn't David "Because I'm the Commissioner, That's Why" Stern fined somebody yet?


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July 2013

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