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 James and I are watching the 1989 Batman. (He called me from Best Buy a few weeks ago to tell me the four movies in that sequence were on sale for $10 and should he get it. I said "sure, if nothing else we can get drunk and make fun of Batman and Robin.") When the Joker destroyed his second tv, I wondered aloud if he had a new one delivered every day. James said "That's how you join the Joker's gang: you bring him a tv and if you survive the encounter, you're in."

I like the Michael Keaton Batman very much; he's very human. This is the same reason I consider him one of the least canonical versions of Batman. Of course everyone knows that as far as I'm concerned, the One True Batman is Kevin Conroy. Animated Series FTW.

I'm starting to think James was right when he said I was always thinking about Batman. I visited my family recently and my brother and I had a conversation where we covered all the stuff going on with us, then moved on to Batman. I told him that though it couldn't be shown obviously because it was nominally a kids' show, it's canon that during the time Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn teamed up, they weren't just partners in crime, if you know what I mean. He got the biggest grin on his face and said "now that's what I'm talking about!" 

We're now moving on to Batman Returns, which somehow I've never seen. By the time we get to Batman and Robin, we should be good and drunk. I'm just worried since somehow James hasn't seen Batman and Robin, he might decide he actually wants to watch it and then he won't want me to snark.

I just screamed "CHRISTOPHER WALKEN is in this?" James can never remember any actor's name, so he just said "who's Christopher Walken?" and I'm still bitching at him. 

ETA: I just counted and three of my last ten posts have something to do with Batman. Maybe James is right.

ETA2: "How have I never seen this movie before? It has KITTIES!!"

ETA3: The Christopher Nolan movies do a good job of actually keeping Batman in the picture. I think I've seen Keaton three times so far in this. 

ETA4: Keaton actually sold me on Bruce truly believing he and Selena could make it work. And the only thing cooler than penguins with missiles? Penguin pallbearers.

I just said to James "so much for the good Batman movies! Now on to the crappy Batman movies!" I mean, really? Going from the last scene of Batman Returns to the ridiculous "I'll get drive-thru" joke that starts Batman Forever? I remember how excited I was about the casting of Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face, and then he just sucked. Not that that was all his fault, Schumacher. Really, what's the point of Two-Face if you don't do his origin story? 

I am not drunk enough for this. 

ETA5: GAHHHHHHHHHHH Kilmer sucks. He walks in as Bruce Wayne, knocks down a door, sees a bat in a Rorschach blot, and basically announces "I'm Batman! Have I mentioned I'm BATMAN?" (James adds "and the doctor is too stupid to notice.") I can't believe I didn't realize how much this movie sucked when I first saw it. The only good thing about it is Jim Carrey's whackadoodle performance. 

ETA6: I'm not even pretending to watch this gawdawful shit anymore. Instead I'm reading Wikipedia and getting pissed off over the DC Universe's universally shitty treatment of Crispus Allen.

ETA7: Cris Allen is now a Black Lantern? What the fuck is a Black Lantern anyway? DO SOMETHING RENEE!!!

ETA8: Not that my drunk ass can make sense of either Wikipedia or DC's cracked-out plotting, but apparently Cris Allen is dead again? I HATE YOU DC. I HATE YOU SO VERY MUCH. 

ETA9: I just screamed at Chris O'Donnell "you know why I hate you as Robin? Because you're a PUNK-ASS BITCH!! Robin is never a punk-ass bitch! Unless he's Jason Todd!"

In these movies, Alfred's main interest in life seems to be getting Bruce laid. 

ETA10: Generic Love Interest: Bruce, what are you trying to tell me?
James: That I'm a moron! 

ETA11: Oh no, you hit Alfred. If you hit Alfred you go to the special hell. At  least this Alfred. Michael Caine Alfred can defend himself.

ETA12: I just commented that a scene between Batman and Robin was slashy. James said "I know you read it in secret", which is actually not true. I watched the Star Trek Tic Tok video 500 times but that wasn't in secret. I said these movies lacked any sort of meaningful Bat-Relationship between Bats and Commissioner Gordon. James said he was surprised I didn't call it a Bat-Ship. We then got into a disturbing conversation about the difference between a relationship and a ship.

We just got to the "Holey rusted metal, Batman!" joke. I screamed "DON'T EXPLAIN THE JOKE!" at the screen. Thank you, TVTropes.

ETA13: Time for the MAIN EVENT, Batman and Robin. Man I hope I can make it through this. I also hope I can avoid a hangover, but at this point that may be unrealistic.

Batman and Robin starts with closeups of all the Bat-Anatomy. I saw this in the theater with my mother. How did I not die of embarrassment? At least the opening joke about why Superman works alone beats the drive-thru line (which was directly connected to a Taco Bell promotion if my memory serves me), 

Me: Why is he Mr. Freeze instead of Dr. Freeze? Because he seems like the kind of guy who would never let you forget that he's a doctor.
James: He doesn't have a lid on his car this time so he doesn't get shot at.
Me: That doesn't EVEN answer my question.

ETA14: Though he never got credit for it, Clooney is miles better as Batman than Kilmer. It's just that no one could tell because the movie is so outrageously bad you can't take your eyes off it, as opposed to Batman Forever which was boring enough to sleep through. 
 
ETA15: Performances like these are why I was so shocked when Uma turned out to be a revelation in Kill Bill.

Even by this series' standards, Ahhhhnold is ridiculous.

ETA16: This is turrable. I'm going to bed. 

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